Thursday, December 29, 2011

A One Question Survey

This is A one question survey which will verify where you stand on a very important issue.  This survey is designed to address a "completely fictional situation" in which you will have to make a spilt-second decision.

Remember, the response you provide should be both honest and spontaneous.


You are a professional photographer and you and your family are on vacation in Hawaii.  A major tsunami hits the island and there is chaos all around you caused by the severe flooding.  The flood unfolding before your eyes is of biblical proportion. 

You work for a major news service and now, here you are,  caught in the middle of this once-in-a-lifetime epic disaster.  All around you houses, cars, and debris are swirling and people are disappearing under the water.  Mother nature is unleashing her destructive fury at its worst.

You suddenly realize you have before you an opportunity of a lifetime - to shoot a career-making photograph of this hopeless situation


You see a man floating in the water; he is fighting for his life.  The man is doing everything he possibly can not to be taken under the water or be hit by the debris floating in the water. You move in closer and realize the man looks vaguely familiar.  Suddenly you realize he is a city council member from your hometown who is also on vacation and the raging waters are now about to take him under.


1) You can save this person's life
2) You can capture a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo
    documenting the actual death of a tsunami victim which
    will bring you fame and fortune for the rest of your career.


and please, please give an honest answer...

Would you

(a) Select a high contrast color film
(b) Go with the classic simplicity of black and white film?

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Compassionate Township Officer

A township officer was driving home from a township meeting thinking of what he and the other township officers were briefed - the growing number of homeless people now in their community.

As he drove home, he saw two men along the roadside eating grass in the ditch.  Remembering what he heard at the township meeting, he was disturbed and immediately pulled his truck over.  He yelled to the men, "Why are you guys eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," one man replied.
"We're homeless and all we have to eat is grass," the other said.  
"That's terrible; you poor fellows jump into the back of my pickup and I will take you to my house and feed you," the township officer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children, one said.  "They are over there, under that tree."  
"Bring them along," replied the township officer.

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "Sir, I also have a wife and three children!" 
"No problem.  Bring them all as well.  I have enough to feed all of you," the township officer replied.

The men helped their wives and children into the back of the pickup and then they hopped into the cab.  Once under way, one of the men turned to the township officer and said, "Sir, you are very kindThank you for taking all of us with you.
The  township officer replied, "Glad to do it; its no problem. I think you and your families will really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high and not full of weeds like that stuff you guys were eating back there in the ditch."

Monday, November 21, 2011

The Problem with Transparency in Government

The city council decided to "get tough on drunk drivers" and passed a resolution authorizing the police chief to hire a new part-time officer.  The local media reported that the sole purpose of this new position within the police department was to crack down on drunk drivers on Friday and Saturday nights.  When a part-time officer was finally hired, the newspapers reported that he would start working this Friday and Saturday night.  

On his first night on patrol, the new officer staked out a local night spot with a longstanding reputation for its high number of DUI violators.   Ten minutes before closing time, the officer saw a man stumble out of the front door of the bar and then trip on the sidewalk and fall face down.  After laying on the sidewalk for several minutes, the man finally picked himself up and wobbled towards the parking lot.

Once in the parking lot, the man fumbled for several minutes to locate his keys.  He then tried to open five different cars before finding the one his keys would  open. 
Meanwhile, other patrons were leaving the bar and were driving off, but the officer stayed with his man.

After several minutes of trying to start his car, the driver finally got it in gear and pulled it out of the parking lot.  The new officer immediately turned on his lights and siren and pulled the driver over.   Because the officer had witnessed this man’s actions, he didn't waste time with a field sobriety test.  Instead he proceeded right to the breathalyzer to capture the man’s blood-alcohol content.  

Amazingly, the results of the man's blood alcohol came up with a 0.0 reading.  Puzzled, the officer demanded to know how this could be.  He witnessed the man stagger, fall and fumble.  
"It’s easy," replied the driver.  "We have all read the paper over the past few months and know that the city  hired a new DUI officer.  We also saw on the news tonight that today was going to be the officer's first night on duty so we drew straws and I lost.  I had to be the designated decoy tonight."

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Why the Dog in Fire Department?

It was that dreaded time of year when the city council had to approve the new city budget.  The city council chambers was packed with members of a local group known as C.A.N.T. - Citizens Against New Taxes

As the Mayor opened the budget hearing, members of CANT began chanting, "Eliminate government waste - eliminate government waste - eliminate government waste -eliminate government waste." 
Having heard enough of the chanting, one city council member spoke up.  "We have cut all the waste in our city government.  If your group believes there is any waste in our city government, tell us were you think it is."

The leader of CANT stood up from the back of the room and yelled, "The fire department." 
Shocked, the mayor asked, "Where in the fire department do you see waste?" 
"The dog." replied the CANT leader.  The fire department has a dog.   Why?  That dog must be fed, groomed, housed, trained, and exercised, all of which cost local tax dollars.  Why is our fire department so damn special that it needs to have a dog?  I have personally checked with several surrounding cities and none of their fire departments have dogs."  

The mayor saw the fire chief sitting in the room and asked, "Chief, would you come forward and respond to this issue?"
"Sure," replied the chief and he walked up front.

"What exactly is your question?" the fire chief asked the members of CANT?

A member of CANT yelled, "Why does your fire department have a dog?"

Before the chief could respond another member of CANT yelled, "Does that dog help you fight fires?" 
"No," said the chief.

Another member then yelled, "Does that dog help with crowd control when you fight a fire?"
"No," said the chief.

Well, does the dog bring your fire department good luck when you're fighting fires?" another chuckled. 
"No again," the chief said.

"Well then, why in heaven’s sake is your department so damn special that it needs a dog when other cities don't have dogs in their fire departments?" the CANT leader asked.

"That's easy," said the chief.  "Three years ago, because of your organization's concerns to lower local taxes, the city council voted to terminate six full-time fire fighter positions.
Two years ago, because of your group's demands to reduce taxes, the city council voted to eliminate the global positioning system (GPS) software in our fire fighting vehicles.  And last year, because of your organization's demands to freeze taxes, the city council passed a resolution banning all city departments from purchasing new maps, reference guides, and plat books," said the chief.

"What does any of that have to do with our question tonight about the damn dog in the fire department?" asked the leader of CANT.  "Will you please tell us why your fire department needs to have a dog?"
"Sure," said the chief.  "That's simple; we need the dog to help our volunteer fire fighters locate the fire hydrants when they arrive at the scene of the fire."

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Best Job In The County

Most people think of Las Vegas as a city dominated by casinos; however, that is far from the truth.  Yes, there are many casinos in Las Vegas; however, a simple check with the Clark County Courthouse will confirm that their are more permits issued by the County Board for churches then there are for casinos. 

The large number of casinos throughout Clark County does, however, present a significant problem for the many churches in Las Vegas, regardless of their denomination, because most of the churches receive a large number of casino chips in their collection baskets each Sunday.  It seems many of the locals, as well as hundreds of visiting tourists, seem to toss casino chips into the collection plate rather than actual cash as the plate is passed on Sundays. 

Consequently many churches, especially the large number of Catholic Churches which dominate much of Nevada, wind up with a wide assortment of colorful chips from various casinos that are scattered throughout the city of Las Vegas and surrounding communities in Clark County that have casinos.

To aid its local parishes in Clark County with this casino chip dilemma, the Bishop of Nevada created a system that seems to work fairly well for all churches in both Las Vegas and the rural churches in Clark County.
Every Monday, all the Catholic churches place all the casino chips they received over the weekend in a bright red bag that has the church name on it.  The Archdiocese has assigned one monk from a Franciscan monastery the sole responsibility of driving around to each church and collecting all the red bags of casino chips. This one monk then brings all the red bags back to the monastery where he sorts all the chips by their casinos of origin.

On Wednesday, this one monk takes the monastery's van and travels to all the various casinos on his list so he can cash in the all the chips he has collected.  

After this one monk has cashed all the chips in for cash, he deposits all the money received in a special diocesan bank account.  When he returns to the monastery, he writes checks for  each one of the churches in the amount of the chips they turned in  minus a 2% church administrative fee to cover the cost for gas, postage, and maintaining the checking account, etc.

This arrangement, to have only one monk responsible for all the casino chips collected by the Catholic churches, saves all the individual parishes in Las Vegas and Clark County both time and money.  It also ensures complete 100% accuracy of funds collected and financial integrity for the entire diocese. 

The one monk chosen for this very special "Chip Collection" position is assigned this duty for one year.  This position is  considered a very privileged position within the Clark County diocese .  Not only does this one monk have contact with all the churches in Clark County; he also has the privilege to leave the monastery once each week and visit every one of the air-conditioned casinos in Las Vegas where he has to cash in the chips.  

Because this monk's job is totally different than every other monk's job in the monastery, his special position is considered the best job in the monastery and the best job in Clark County, Nevada.  Every monk who has been with the monastery for at least four years is eligible to apply for this casino chip position when it comes available each year.  

To distinguish this one monk position from all the other monks in the monastery, the Bishop has personally given this monk a special title.  The title given to the monk who is responsible for the casino chips is the Chip Monk.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

The County Board Member's Lie

Bob, the oldest member on the county board at age 70, was an extremely wealthy widower.  Though his wife passed away several years ago, Bob still continued to make their annual trip to Florida during the month of January.  Maybe it was out of respect for his wife or maybe it was just to get away from the cold north woods; no one really knew for sure, but Bob continued to go to Florida.

This year, when Bob returned from Florida, he showed up with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy looking 25-year-old blond-haired woman.  The woman was stunning and just knocked every one's socks off with her figure, charm, dark tan, and absolute sex appeal.  Where ever they went, she hung on to Bob's arm as they walked and listened so intently to every word Bob spoke.

A few days after returning from Florida, Bob brought the young Florida woman to a county board meeting and all his colleagues on the board were aghast.  When the opportunity presented itself, one of Bob's colleagues asked, "Bob, I gotta ask, how'd you find such a beautiful young girlfriend?"
Bob replied, "Girlfriend?  She's not my girlfriend.  She's my wife!"
Now his colleagues were all dumbfounded.  Immediately, another colleague asked, "Bob, how did you ever persuade a woman that young and gorgeous to marry you?"

'It was easy; I lied about my age," Bob replied.
"What! You told her you were only 50?" 
Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was 90."

Friday, September 30, 2011

Fiscally Conservative County Supervisors

In order to prove their point about the need to cut expenses and save money, two very fiscally conservative county board members brought brown bag lunches to a county board meeting.  When the county board recessed for lunch, several board members left the courthouse and walked over to a nearby restaurant for lunch.  The two conservative board members with their brown bag lunches went along with their colleagues.

When all the board members were seated, a waitress came over and took their beverage orders.  Once the drinks arrived at the table, the two fiscally conservative county board members opened their brief cases, took out their brown bags, and began to eat their sandwiches.

Upon seeing this, the hostess of the restaurant ran over and informed the two of them - in a very stern voice - that they could not eat their own sandwiches in the restaurant!  The two tight wads looked at each other with disbelief, apologized to the hostess, said they know that, and then exchanged their sandwiches

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Average Local Public Official

The more we know about local public officials, the better we can understand how they think. Below are ten interesting, yet totally superfluous, tidbits of information regarding . . .

"Local Public Officials" . . .

the men and women who serve our townships, villages, counties, cities, parishes, boroughs, school boards, and special operating authorities across America.
The Average Local Public Official:

1)    Is 54 years of age.

2)    Is married.

3)    Is retired, semi-retired, or self-employed.

4)     Is a high school graduate with two additional years of

        higher education or training.

5)    Cannot lick his or her "left elbow."

6)    Has an annual income greater than $45,000.

7)    Has two or more children (the actual statistical mean

       is 2.6 children).

8)    Has lived in his or her community for over 18 years.

9)    Will serve two complete terms in public office.

10)  Since reading this article, has tried to lick his or her

       left elbow twice.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Desireable Physical Characteristics of Male Local Public Officials

A study recently conducted by the League of Women Voters  revealed that there are two characteristics that women find attractive in male candidates running for local public offices (i.e. county board members, city council persons, school board members, township officers, village boards, parishes and boroughs, etc.).

The characteristics that attract women voters to a male candidate appear to differ significantly based on three primary factors:   the age of the woman, the marital status of the woman, and the income level of the woman.
It should come as no surprise that the League's year long research concluded that:

1) Younger, single and vibrant female voters with minimal financial responsibilities seem to be attracted to male candidates who are tall, broad-shouldered, and have rugged facial features.

2) Mature female voters, especially those nearing retirement age or those divorced and now a single head of a household, generally prefer male candidates running for local public office to be tied to a post, with duct tape over their mouths, a spear embedded deep in their chest, and waiting for the fire to be ignited.

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Atheist Public School Science Teacher

A science teacher at the local high school who was a well-known atheist loved trekking in the woods.   One day while out hiking in a remote part of the county, he heard the rustling of bushes and then he saw a large bear charging  towards him.

Though he ran as fast as he could, he could not lose the bear who was now closing in on him.  In his confusion, he slipped and fell on the ground.  When he rolled over to pick himself up, he saw the bear right behind him, reaching for him with his left paw and getting ready to strike him with his right paw.  At that moment, the science teacher cried out, "Oh God, help me!" 

Time stopped - the bear froze and the county forest went totally silent.   The clouds parted and a bright light came down from the sky and was cast upon him.  He heard a deep voice bellow out from the sky,
"You deny my existence for all these years, you tell your friends I don't exist, and you teach your students that the creation of this wonderful planet you call Earth was just a cosmic accident.  Do you really expect me to help you in your time of need?"
The science teacher looked directly into the bright light, and said, "No, I guess not.  It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now in my hour of need; however, Lord, would it be too much of me to ask you to make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the bellowing voice and then the bright light faded away, the sounds of the forest slowly returned and the bear's right paw dropped.  The bear brought both his paws together and grabbed the science teacher around the head.

The bear then bowed his head and spoke, "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Village President's Daughter

Little Bruce and his girlfriend Jenny were only 10 years old but they knew they were very much in love.  Bruce made an appointment to meet with Jenny’s father, who happened to be the Village President where they lived; to ask for her hand in marriage.  When Bruce arrived at the Village Hall he bravely walked into the President's Office and introduced himself to the receptionist.  She asked him to take a seat. 
When the Village President came out he invited little Bruce into his off where upon little Bruce immediately said "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for your blessing to marry her."  Thinking this was just the cutest thing, he had ever heard the Village President replied, "Well Bruce, you and Jenny are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without  taking a moment to think about his answer, Bruce replied, "In Jenny's room Sir. It's bigger than mine and we are sure we can both fit in there nicely."

Still thinking this was just adorable, The Village President asked with a grin, "Okay Bruce then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job and you'll need money to support my daughter." Again, Bruce instantly replied, "Our allowances Sir. Jenny gets 5 bucks a week and I get 10. That's 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

The Village President was really amazed that Bruce had put so much thought into this.  Trying come up with something that Bruce wouldn't have an answer for the Village President thought for a moment then said, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one final question before I can give you my blessing. What will you and Jenny do if she gets pregnant?" Bruce just shrugged his shoulders and said "Well, Sir, we've been lucky so far." The Village President no long thought Bruce was adorable and asked him to leave his office.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Explaining The Federal Stimulus Plan

After class ended a young college student approached his economics professor and said, "Sir I don't understanding why the economic stimulus bill  passed by Congress a few years ago has not benefited our local community as expected. Can you explain why?"

"Sure, I’d love to, replied the professor but I don't have time right now; however if you will come to my house this evening after supper I'll be glad to explain why the federal stimulus bill has not worked and you can help me with a special project I am working on." 

Around 7PM the student arrived at the professor's home and was told by the professor’s wife to go around backyard. The Professor who was in the backyard near his pool raking leaves and saw his student and walk over. He greeted the young man and handed him a large plastic bucket. "Watch carefully said the Professor as I demonstrate what I would like you to do. First, go to the deep end of the pool and fill this bucket with water. Then bring the bucket back down here to the shallow end and empty it here in the pool.  Got it?"  The student nodded.

After three or four trips to the deep end with the bucket the student walked over to the professor and asked, "Sir, what are we trying to accomplish with this activity?" The professor replied 'we are trying to make the shallow end deeper".  Rather then question his professor the student went back and make a few more trips with his bucket.  Finally feeling frustrated he walked back to his professor's side and said "Sir I am sorry to say this but I believe we are wasting time." "What!" asked the professor - what are you talking about?

"Well Sir it seems to me that no matter how much water we take from the deep end and put in the shallow end the water levels at both ends of the pool are going to remain the same" 
The professor put down his rake, stood straight up, grabbed the student by his shoulders and said, "Congratulations. You now understand why the federal stimulus plan has not achieved the desired results it was suppose have in our local communities."

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Brain Trusters and Natural Born Citizens

Every community across the county has a small group of residents who meet daily at one of the local coffee shops. These groups tend to be comprised mainly of men who are either retired or self-employed.  People who live in the area {especially every local public official} are aware of "their local group" because they proclaim to be the experts on everything. They believe they know what is wrong and who screwed it up.

Generally these groups are given affectionate names like the "the good ole boy club" or the one I like best "the local brain trust'

Ironically no one in the community can actually recall when the, brain trust resolved anything or did anything good for the community;  that's because the brain trust doesn't focus on solving problems, its delight comes from only identifying problems and then deciding who should be blamed.  Sometimes the brain trust takes on the problems in the State and national government but their primary focus and real thrill comes from finding local problems - problems in the cities and counties they live and the school boards that serve their communities. 

On one particular day the brain trust was discussing the qualifications to run for President of the United States.  Some  members in the brain trust believed that two of the existing requirements to run for President: 

      a) Be a natural born citizen, and

      b) Be at least 35 years of age

were outdated and may only serve only to prevent capable people from running for President.  One long time member of the brain trust - named Charlie - one of the more vocal members of this group openly stated the requirement to be a natural born citizen was totally unfair and down right discriminatory.

Few of the other brain trust members agreed with Charlie on this point and none were ready to concede to eliminate this requirement which really upset Charlie something fierce.

Charlie couldn't take it any more and finally shouted out: What makes a natural born American citizen any more qualified to lead this country than an American citizen who was born by C-section?"

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Local Public Official Prayer

Lord, Please keep your arm tightly wrapped around my shoulder and keep your hands firmly over my mouth. . . AMEN!

Friday, April 15, 2011

High School Paper Reporter and the Law Enforcement Officer

A High School reporter wanting to do a human-interest story for his School's Newspaper approached a local Law Enforcement Officer and asked "What kind of weapon do you carry"?

The Officer responded "Why a Smith & Wesson 45".  "Why a Smith & Wesson 45?" asked the inquisitive young reporter" 'Because Smith & Wesson doesn't make a 46" replied the Officer.

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Haircut

One day a florist went to his local barber on Monday morning. After his haircut, he pulled out his wallet to pay his bill and the barber replied, "I cannot accept any money from you today.  This weekend my wife and I talked and we both agreed life has been good to us in this city and consequently this week I will do a community service  and all haircuts will be free." The florist was extremely impressed when left the barber shop. Bright and early the next morning a package arrived at the barber shop. It was a 'Thank You Card' and a dozen roses'.

The first customer at the barber shop on Tuesday morning, was the local baker.  When he tried to pay for his haircut, the barber replied,  "Life in this city has been good this week I cannot accept any money for haircuts - I want to do a community service." The baker was happy as he left the barber shop. The next morning when the barber arrived to open up shop there was a 'Thank You Card' and a two dozen donuts' waiting for him at the door.

The first customer on Wednesday morning was a local City Alderman, when he went to pay his bill, the barber replied, "I cannot accept your money; I am doing a community service this week to say Thank You to this wonderful community."  The Alderman smiled as he left. Within 30 minutes the other five city Alderman were at the barbershop waiting in line for their free haircuts and donut.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

No Dog for the Fire Department

It was that dreaded time of the year when the city had to approve its new annual budget. The council chambers at city hall were packed with the Citizens Against New Taxes – CANT. As the Mayor opened the meeting the citizens of CANT began chanting “eliminate government waste eliminate government waste”.


One member of CANT yelled “The Fire Department.” Shocked the Mayor asked “where in the Fire Department do you see waste?” “The Dog” someone yelled. “You have a dog assigned to the Fire Department. Why? The dog must be fed, groomed and housed which all costs money. Why do you have to have a dog in the Fire Department? Other surrounding fire departments don’t.”

“Chief” the Mayor asked “would respond.” The chief stepped forward and said “sure”.

“Does the dog help you fight fires?” “No”, said the Chief.

“Does the dog help with crow control another asked?” “No”, said the Chief again.

“Does he bring your department good luck when you’re fighting fires” another chuckled? No, again the Chief said.

“Well then why in heaven’s sake do you need a damn dog in the fire department” the leader of CANT asked.

Well the Chief said two years ago because of your concerns the city council voted to eliminate our GPS support system.

Last year because of your demands to reduce taxes the city council passed a moratorium on the purchase of new maps, reference guides and plate books.

“Well what does any of that have to do with the dog in your fire department?” Asked the group leader. “We need the dog” the chief said “so our volunteer fire fighting personal can locate the fire hydrant when they arrive at the scene of a fire”.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Township Officer and his Guns

A reporter was sitting in the frontroom of the newly elected Towship President conducting an interview when out of the blue she asked asked "Do you have a gun in the house". "I sure do, I have several of them around the house" replied the Township President. 

"Are they all loaded!" "Why of course they are all loaded, none of them can work without bullets!" The reporter then asked, "Are you that afraid that someone evil might come in your house?" The Towship Officer replied “No not at all  - and I assure you I am not afraid of the house catching on fire either, but I do have several fire extinguishers around the and they are all loaded too.”

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Sheriff and the Local Awards Banquet

A County sheriff was invited to attend an awards banquet hosted by a local Chamber of Commerice to recongize the outstanding citizens of the year. When he arrived one of the ladies on the planning committee commented 'Sheriff, I see you are wering your revolver tonight. Are you expecting trouble tonight?' 'No Ma'am,' the Sheriff replied. 'If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'

Thursday, February 10, 2011

The County Nursing Home

A newly elected County Board Member campaigned on the platform of “No new taxes”.  Upon entering office he quickly discovered skyrocketing costs at the County’s nursing home and scheduled an appointment to meet with the Chief of Staff.

Not one to beat around the bush, he came right out and asked: "Doctor,  what criteria do you and your staff use to determine if a county resident should be admitted to our nursing home?  "Well," said the Doctor, "We normally meet with family members and ask lots of questons. If our interviews with the family prove  inconclusive, we fill a bathtub with warm water and bring the county resident in for questioning.  We stand near the sink where a teaspoon, a teacup and 3 gallon plastic bucket have all been put on display and then we ask the county resident to empty all the water out of the tub as quickly as possible.

"Oh, I get it said the new County Board Member, a normal person would take the plastic bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the cup." "No" said the said the Doctor "A normal person would just pull the drain plug."

Friday, February 4, 2011

The Phone Call

The newly elected Mayor arrived at city hall office early on the morning of January 2nd.  He wanted to bring in his personal effects to his new office before the employees and public arrived. While hanging pictures and plaques on the wall he noticed a man coming down the hallway headed straight for his office.

Wanting to create a good impression with the first visitor to his office the Mayor put down his hammer, jumped in his chair and picked up the phone. Immediaely, te began pretending he was negotiating a big deal for the city. He voice was loud and he spoke in a firm tone. He kept reminding the person on the phone to look at the big picture and assured him that his financial commitment to the city would pay big dividends for years to come. All the while he talked the visitor in his office waited politely.

Finally, the Mayor said, Thank you, I look forward to working with you.  After he put down the phone, he recognized his visitor and asked how can I help you? I’m with the phone company and I am here to connect your phone the visitor said.

Friday, January 28, 2011

The Murder Trial

A wealthy businessman’s son was on trial for murder; if convicted his son could receive the death penalty. It just so happened the businessman’s neighbor was assigned to this jury. Since his neighbor was the township board president officer the businessman came right out and asked neighbor if he would use his communication skills and powers of persuasion to influence the rest of the jury to come back with a “reduced charge” of manslaughter, not murder.

After the attorneys gave their closing arguments the jury was escorted to the jury room for deliberation. The jury deliberated for just over a week before returning to the courtroom with its verdict. The verdict it rendered was: Manslaughter.

Overjoyed the local business man sent his neighbor and township officer a Thank You card with a short note explaining his gratitude and a check for $5,000. A few days later the businessman’s received a letter from his town ship officer acknowledging the businessman’s thank note. osed was the $5,000 check. The township officer’s note said, I am returning your gift as that there is no need for such a gift it as it was pleasure to be of service. However I have got to tell you it wasn't easy convincing the rest of the jury to render a charge of manslaughter all eleven had initially voted not guilty.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Cold Water

It was election time and a candidate running for the office of County Clerk went out to meet with potential voters. Eventually he arrived in a very secluded part of the rural county.  After introducing himself to the homeowner he was invited in and offered a cup of coffee. Upon receiving his coffee the candidate noticed a film like substance coating his cup and politely asked 'Is this cup clean?' "Sure" replied the homeowner "its as clean as cold water can get em".

After a few minutes the homeowner’s wife came out to join them  bringing them some cake she had made that morning. Again, the candidate noticed a film covering his plate plus tiny specks around the rim of the plate. 'I don’t’ mean to be rude the candidate asked but are you sure these plates are clean?' 'I swear that plate is as clean as cold water can get them said the wife  now don't fret, eat your cake'. As the candidate left the house the family dog started to growl and would not let the candidate off the porch. The candidate yelled back at the house “Excuse me can you see to your dog?'. The old man shouted from the screendoor! 'Coldwater, lay down and let that man along!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Did You Know

The words "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"? ...that "eat" is the only word in the English language that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense, "ate"? And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "local government officials," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Let’s get rid of those arrogant, ignorant, ridiculous rule making, resource-sucking, money spending fools who run our local government." How weird is that???

Thursday, January 6, 2011

What To Wear to the City Council Meeting

Bob Johnson was outraged after receiving his tax bill. He called City Hall and demanded his he be put on the agenda for the next City Council meeting. Bob wanted to appeal his proposed property tax assessment which he thought was totally outrageous.

A few days later he was informed that his request was approved. Bob immediately called his accountant and asked fro advice on what he should wear when he went before the city council. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let the city council think you are a pauper; show them that raising your taxes will pose an undue financial burden on you and your family" his accountant insisted.

Just to be on the safe side, later that day, Bob called his long time attorney and asked the same question. - What should I wear when I go before the City Council? His attorney gave him a completely different response. He said "The main thing is not to let any of those city council members intimidate you. Wear your most expensive suit and your most elegant tie. Look successful, talk confident and demand your property tax assessment be lowered or you will have no recourse but to sell your house and move to a more understanding and taxpayer friendly community."

Bob was now thoroughly confused. As he walked home that night he walked passed his church where his Priest was out in front tending his flowers. The priest could tell by Bob's walk that he was not his chipper self. "Bob what is the matter" the Priest asked. Bob explained his situation and the conflicting advice he received from his accountant and attorney. Bob then asked his Priest what he thought he should wear to the City Council meeting.

"Well Bob”, his Priest began, “let me tell you a story about a young woman - Margaret O'Malley who got married last summer - it was a beautiful wedding. However before the wedding Margaret asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night." 'Be sure to wear your pink flannel nightgown the one with long sleeves and the high collar that goes all the way to your neck' her mother said. "Well to be on the safe side Margaret then went to her maid of honor and asked her what she thought she should where on her Wedding Night." Her Maid of Honor responded “Go to Fredericks of Hollywood and buy the sexiest negligee you can find - one with lots of silk and lace; and mist yourself with the most exotic perfume you can find".

"Wait a minute Father", Bob interrupted "what does this story about a young woman getting married and wanting to know what to wear on her honeymoon have to do with my going before the City Council next week to appeal property taxes?" "That's simple", replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter a damn thing what you wear. You like poor dear old Margaret can plan on getting screwed!"