Thursday, December 18, 2014

Local Government Officials - Be Careful When You Offer To Lend a Hand

A township officer drove to town early one morning to an auto repair shop. He wanted an oil change and the tires rotated on his pickup. It was a busy morning and the shop owner said they couldn't possibly get to his car until early that afternoon. Since the township officer lived close to the repair shop, he decided to leave his car and just walk home as he could use the exercise.







On his way home he stopped in at the hardware store and bought a large plastic bucket and a gallon of paint for a project his wife was working on around the house. Then he made a second stop at the local feed store where he bought two chickens and a goose for his grandson who was going to begin a 4-H project. However as he started walking home, he now struggled with how to best carry all these cumbersome items.

While stand and scratching his head looking at all his items, he was approached by a very attractive woman close to his age who said she was lost. She was new in town and wanted to get to 1603 S. Mockingbird Lane.

The township officer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my house is very close to that house. I would gladly walk you there but I can't seem to carry all this stuff I bought."

The lady looked at what he had and then suggested, "If you put the can of paint in the bucket, then carry the bucket in one hand and put one chicken under each of your arms you would be able to carry the goose in your hands.''

"Why thank you lady.  That is a great idea." He did exactly what she said and they proceeded on their walk. On the way he suggested, "We can take a short cut through this alley and be there in no time."

The lady stopped, looked him over cautiously and said, "Sir, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that once we get halfway down the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

He laughed and explained that she had nothing to fear because he was an elected township officer.  “Besides lady, I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly be able hold you up against the wall and do all that to you that you described?"

The lady replied, "Well if you set the goose down, covered it with the bucket, put the gallon of paint on top of the bucket, and let me hold one chicken while you hold the other I am pretty sure you could easily have your way with me."

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

There is No Humor in This Post

I created this blog to share good, clean, local government humor with those who serve in public office.  This post has no humor but it may make a few of you readers smile --- which I sincerely hope.

Many of us, especially those close to my age, can easily remember that terrible disease polio. Several of us saw family members, relatives, neighbors and colleagues afflicted by this terrible illness.  

Rotary International, an organization which I am active in and proud to be a member, has been trying to eradicate this disease from the planet for years.  Please take a moment and review the poster below. 

Hopefully you will see that there may be a light at the end of this long tunnel and this tragic story may eventually make us smile.  I know today is Veteran's Day and we should all focus on thanking the Vets we know who served.  But maybe tomorrow or the next day, if you see a Rotarian in your community, you might just want to say thanks as well.

Gabe Gabrielsen



Saturday, November 8, 2014

I THINK MOST LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS WILL AGREE WITH THIS


Thursday, November 6, 2014

I Love All Local Government Public Officials

Some I love to be around.

Some I love to avoid.

Some I love to punch in the face.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Should Local Public Officials Know All The State Capitals?

One of the large states on the east coast was hosting its' annual Mayor's convention. Mayor's from all over that state came to attend the convention. At the end of the first day's workshops several of the Mayors decided to stop in the hotel's lounge to enjoy a relaxing adult beverage and mingle with some of their colleagues.








Within minutes of gathering in the lounge, one of the Mayors - and older gentleman who was a long time office holder from a very small and rural city - began bragging to his younger colleagues about all the knowledge he acquired during his numerous years serving as Mayor.

"Why," he said, "I know all of the state capitals." Go ahead." he dared the other Mayors, "ask me, the capital of any state and I will tell you - cause I know em all."

Tired of listening to this guy bragging, another Mayor, a much younger Mayor sitting a few bar stools down, said, "OK, what's the capital of Montana?"

That's easy said the Mayor "M". 
            

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Little Billy Got Expelled From School

Little Billy came home from school crying. "What's wrong asked his father?"  

Trying to hold back his tears Billy replied, "I got expelled from school for one week."

"Why?" asked his father.

"Well my math asked me how much is 2 x 3 and I said 6," Billy replied.







"But that's right!" said his father.  

"Yeah, but then she asked me how much would 3 x 2 be then Billy?''

"What's the f***ing difference?" asked his father.

"That's exactly what I asked her Dad before she sent me to the principal's office and he 
decided to expel me for a week".

Friday, October 3, 2014

The New City Employee


Charley was a newly hired city employee.  Being retired Navy, he had a wealth of experience backed with great writing skills.  However after two weeks on the job, it was obvious Charley couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he would be 5,10 or 15 minutes late. But he was such a damn good worker, so tidy, sharp minded, and always demonstrating great customer service skills that few wanted to push the issue of his tardiness.

One day Charley's department head called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, we all like your work ethic; we think you do a bang-up job but your being late so often is quite bothersome for me."

"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."

''You are a good team player and that's what I like to hear.  That's why I find it odd that you come in late so often. I know you're retired Navy so I have to ask, What did they say if you came in late when you were in the Navy?"

"Well generally they would say, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?'"

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Local Government Politics - Chicago Sytle

Uncle Frank was a staunch conservative, and voted straight Republican until the day he died in Chicago.

Since then he has voted Democrat.




Friday, September 12, 2014

Use Both Hands

The largest rancher in Summit County was an elderly German gentleman who had immigrated to America over 30 years ago. Even though he had lived most of his adult life in America he often preferred to speak German. 



One day while driving home from town he noticed a Summit County vehicle out in one of his fields. He soon noticed a man standing by one of his stock ponds using his hand to drink some water.

The rancher immediately stopped his truck rolled down the truck window and shouted, "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen" which literally translates to mean, “Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have defecated in it."

The county employee out in the field shouted back, "I'm the new county property tax assessor and I came out to do a new assessment of your property. I can't understand you. Can you please speak in English."

The old German rancher replied, "Welcome.  Use both your hands; you will get more water that way."
 
 

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

How One High School Teacher Made her Point

A high school English teacher had become frustrated with the lack of writing skills her students were exhibiting.  She felt it necessary to address the class regarding her concerns.
Below is what she said to her class - it was short and to the point and is good advice for all of us:  

"In a world of hi-tech gadgetry, I have noticed more and more people - especially young people - who send text and email messages frequently that seemed to have forgotten the art and importance of using capital letters in their writing. 


For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

Capitalization is very important.  It is the difference between:

1) Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse.

2) Helping your uncle jack off a horse.
"
 

Saturday, August 23, 2014

The Row Boat

A county board member is driving along a country road with very few cars on it.   There were large fields on both sides of the road. As he looks out his passenger side window, he sees a township officer in the field in a rowboat rowing and rowing. 

The county board member stops his car, gets out, and yells to his colleague, "You know it's guys like you that give the rest of us local public officials a bad name!"


Receiving no reaction from his colleague in the rowboat, he screams, "If I could swim - I'd swim out there and punch you out!"
      

Township Officers New Dog

A wealthy township resident who was an avid hunter bought a bird dog which he was told was one of a kind. It was a unique breed that was specifically bred to walk on water. Everytime he saw his dog walk on water he couldn't believe it. He always saw it as a miracle.

Wanting to show off his new dog, he invited several neighbors over to his lakeside house. After some time, they shot a few ducks and the man ordered his dog to run and fetch the birds. The dog ran on water and kept fetching the birds all day long. The owner was expecting a comment or a compliment about his amazing dog, but never got one. As they were returning home, he asked his friend if he had noticed anything unusual about his dog.

The friend replied, "Yes, in fact, I did notice something unusual. Your dog can't swim."

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The Western Wall - also known as the Wailing Wall - in the Old City of Jerusalem

A female journalist heard a story about an elderly Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall (also known as the Wailing Wall) in the old city of Jerusalem twice a day, every day, his entire life to pray.  She thought this might be an interesting heartwarming story to share with her readers so she convinced her news director to let her travel to Israel to check this story out. 






Upon her arrival in Tel Aviv she and her camera man took a cab straight to the Western Wall where the two of them waited. Soon they saw an old man walk slowly toward the holy site. They watched as he prayed for nearly 45 minutes.  Then using his cane, he slowly turned around and began to walk away.
  
Since he was moving slowly the female journalist approached him, introduced herself and asked for a brief interview to which he agreed. 

"What is your name Sir?"  

"Morris Feinberg," he replied. 

"Mr Feinberg, how long have you been coming here to the Western Wall to pray every day?"

"For about 60 years now."  

"Sixty years!" she exclaimed "That's amazing! What do you pray for when you come hear to the wall?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."  I pray for all wars and hatred to stop. I pray for all our children so they can to grow up safe and become responsible adults and love their fellow man. I pray that our federal, state and local government officials will tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own selfish interests."

"Well Sir, how do you feel after praying at the Wailing Wall for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f-ing wall."

Friday, August 8, 2014

The New Traffic Camera





A new city council member voted against the Police Chief’s request to install traffic cameras throughout the city.  One night as he was driving home he thought he saw the saw the flash of a camera mounted on a pole when he passed through an intersection.
He instinctively thought this must have been one of the new traffic cameras that the Police Chief had recently installed.  He reasoned his picture was taken because he was either exceeding the speed limit or he ran a traffic light; however, he knew he wasn't speeding and did not run the traffic.

Just to be sure, the city council member went turned around the block and once again passed the same spot; this time, driving even slower. Again the traffic camera flashed again.

The City Council member began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove around the block a third time and again the camera would flash.

Having so much fun, he tried driving around the intersection a fourth time with the same results. On his fifth time, he drove at a snail's pace and looked straight at the camera and laughed when it flashed. 

Approximately two weeks later, when the city council member arrived home he had five traffic tickets in the mail - all were for driving without a seat belt.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Is It Possible for Local Government Officials to Really Give More Than a 100% Effort? The Answer Appears To Be Yes.

Ever wonder if it is really possible for a local public official to give more than


For those of us who have had the privilege to serve in local government, we can remember being approached by a community resident or local taxpayers {who never ran for public office - and who could never get elected to a local government office even if they tried} who demanded that every public employee and all local government officials give more than a 100% effort.

Can someone?  Anyone? Who is serving in a local government public office really give more than a 100% effort???

Let's look at this question logically - say from a mathematical perspective.  It seems a p
rofessor at MIT recently devised a numeric formula that might help us understand what giving a 100% effort actually means for a local public official.  

Now, it's somewhat complicated but try to follow this reasoning - personally I think it's true but then again I could be wrong.

Now if:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Are represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Would equal 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Would equal 96%


As we can see Hard Work and Knowledge will get most local government officials really close to a 100% effort. 

But this I found amazing -

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = Gets us to 100%.  
A positive serving Attitude is the only thing that gets local government officials to a 100% effort.

So is it impossible for a local government official to give more than a 100% effort??

Look at this -

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = Equals 103%.

and this blew me away -

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = Will get a local government official all the way to 
118%.

So, based on this formula, most of us can safely conclude with mathematical certainty that Bullshit and Ass Kissing will make it appear to many people in a community that some of their public officials are giving them more than a 100% effort.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Something Every Local Public Official Should Remember

A day in your community without sunshine is – well – night.
.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Never Be Afraid of Lawsuits Against Your Unit of Local Government

Don’t ever worry, fret or be afraid of a lawsuit filed by a local resident or group of local residents against your unit of local or municipal government. 

Should you have to go to court to settle that lawsuit, the resident or group of residents who filed the lawsuit will have to explain the complexity of their reason for filing the lawsuit against your unit of government to twelve of their fellow residents who were not smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Please Advise

An elderly city council member and his wife decided it was time they step into the 21st century so they went out and bought cell phones. With their cell phones came the ability to text messages which the city council member's wife just loved.



She was the romantic type and loved sending her husband texts - especially when he was in a city council meeting.  The husband - the city council member - however, was a no-nonsense, practical type of guy and did not like sending texts and actually disliked receiving them.  He preferred to use his cell phone just to make and receive phone calls.

One day his wife was invited out to have coffee with some lady friends.  She arrived early at the coffee shop and while waiting for her friends she decided to send her husband a romantic text message and wrote:

"If you are still sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking coffee, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love youSee you tonight."
The city council member received her text and decided to reply by sending her his first ever text message. "I'm on the toilet.  Please advise."

Thursday, July 3, 2014

The 50 - 50 - 90 Rule of Local and Municipal Government

Never forget the 50-50-90 rule of local and municipal government

If there is a 50-50% chance of getting something right ... a locally elected government body has a 90% probability of getting it wrong.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Elderly City Council Member Joins New Club


The daughter of an elderly city council member asked her father why he didn't do something more useful with his time than just attend city council meetings.




It seemed talking about him doing something useful with his life was her favorite topic of conversation lately.   

She didn’t think spending so much time worrying about city issues and attending so many meetings was good for him so she suggested he go down to the new senior center and hang out with some of the other people his age. 

So to make her happy he did as she suggested; he spent an afternoon at the new senior center. When he got home, he decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of his business. 

So when she asked, “How did it go at the senior citizen center, Dad?” he told her he joined a parachute club. 

She immediately said, "Are you nuts, Dad? You’re almost 79 years old, and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

So he proudly showed her the membership card he was given. 

She read the card and yelled, "Dad, were you wearing your glasses? This is a membership card to a prostitute club, not a parachute club!" 

"Damn," said the old city councilman.  "I'm really in trouble now and I don't know what to do."


“What kind of trouble are you in now, Dad?” his daughter asked. 

“I signed up for five jumps a week".

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Local Government and Change

Change is generally inevitable except when it comes to rewriting local government policies and ordinances.

Public Safety Advisory

I just received this information from a friend and wanted to get it out ASAP. The US Homeland Security Agency has just issued its latest advisory notice and we should all take heed. If your work involves serving the public or dealing with a lot of foreign customers, this information could save your life.

According to Homeland Security, the number one tactic terrorists and "disturbed US citizens" are now using is to conceal their weapons.


Concealing or disguising their weapons from the public is necessary especially when they enter government buildings, large transportation centers, metropolitan business centers and outdoor public gathering places.

Please look closely at the picture provided. 








At first glance - to an untrained eye – this might look like a normal “Red Solo party cup”; however if you study the picture carefully, you may be able to notice there is a fully loaded, automatic Glock 18-C pistol carefully hidden inside the cup.

Analyst and forecasters at Homeland Security believe terrorists and disturbed American citizens may soon be using this ‘Red Solo cup’ disguise to conceal their weapons.

During these troubling times it is important we all stay vigilant. Share this information with your colleagues, co-workers and neighbors. 

Remember, if you, your co-workers or neighbors, are not able to spot a weapon disguised like this, you might just be the recipient of a cup of hot lead.  

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Knowledge All Local Public Officials Need to Know.

Without exception the locally elected public official who laughs last is the one who thinks the slowest.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Scientific Fact - Public Officials Need to Know

It is a scientific fact that light travels faster than sound – that’s why so many of your colleagues on a local government body appear exceptionally bright until they open their mouths and begin to speak.

Local Government Officials - Be Leary of Offering Assistance to Strangers

A township officer drove the short distance to town to drop his truck off at a local dealership to have something fixed. He had planned to wait for the repairs but was informed they would have to order the part. Since he didn't live far, he decided he would just walk home.   

On the way home he stopped at a local hardware store and bought a metal bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped at the local feed store and picked up a chicken and a goose which he promised his visiting grandchildren they could play with during the summer. However, he soon began to struggle with his diverse load outside the store. It was going to be almost impossible carrying his entire purchase home.

While standing there scratching his head trying to figure out what to do, he was approached by an elderly lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to1603 Maple Street?"


The township officer answered, "As a matter of fact, my house is on Maple Street and I would gladly walk you there but I just can't seem to carry all this stuff I bought."


The lady looked at what he had and suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Then place the chicken under one arm and the goose under your other arm and carry the bucket by the handle with one of your free hands?''


"Why thank you very much," he said. He did exactly what she suggested and was able to walk with the lady. On the way he said to her, "Let's take a short cut - we can go down this alley and save two blocks of walking. We'll be there in no time."

The lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"


He explained to her that he was a respected township officer who has lived in the community all his life and, “Besides lady, I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, and have a chicken and a goose under my arms. How in the world would I be able hold you up against the wall and do all that to you?"


The lady replied, "Well if you set the goose down, cover it with the bucket, put the gallon of paint on top of the bucket to weight it down and let me hold the chicken, I am sure that if you really area a township officer, you could easily do all that to me."

Saturday, May 31, 2014

What Happens When Local Governments Delay Making a Decision

The things that come to local governments who wait before they make a decision - or who can't make a decision - are generally the things left over and given to them by the local governments who were able to make decisions and got theirs first.

Foolproof Ordinances

There has never been an ordinance passed by any local or municipal government that has been foolproof enough to fool the sufficiently talented fools living in their communities.

Local Public Officials in a Barbershop

A township officer and a county board member who were known to have a very contentious relationship somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As each sat in his chair being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. Even the barbers were afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn into a issue of local political debate.








As the barbers finished their haircuts and shaves, the one barber who had the township officer in his chair reached for the aftershave.

The township officer immediately raised his hand, stopped him and said, “No thanks, my wife will smell that on me when I get home and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”

The second barber turned to county board member and said, “How about you sir?” The county supervisor replied, “Sure go ahead; my wife has never been inside a whorehouse.  I bet she’d be interested to know what one smells like."

Thursday, May 22, 2014

County Fair Awards



John was a chicken farmer in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens) called "pullets" and ten roosters whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.











John kept detailed records and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was immediately replaced. Keeping an eye on each of the roosters took an awful lot of John’s time so he bought a set of tiny brass bells and attached them to his roosters’ necks. Each rooster was given a different bell tone so John could tell from a distance which roosters were out and about doing their job. Now John could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

John’s favorite rooster was Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on one particular day, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung all morning so John went to investigate. All the other roosters were out chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover back in the coop.

But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak so it wouldn't ring. He'd then sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next pullet. John was so proud of old Butch; he decided to enter him in the county fair which was scheduled the following month.  At the fair Butch became a sensation with all the county fair judges.

The result ...The county fair judges were unanimous with their decision. They awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize along with the Pullet Surprise Award as well.

Clearly old Butch was a political figure in the making. Who else but a local government official would devise a way to win two of the most highly coveted county fair awards by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in your local government elections ... the bells may not always audible!


 

Friday, May 9, 2014

When I Was a Kid


Saturday, April 26, 2014

This Is So Sad But True


Thursday, April 17, 2014

What Many Americans Really Don't Like

Monday, March 24, 2014

Breeding Bulls at the County Fair

It was a beautiful summer day and a young newly wed couple decided to go to the county fair for the afternoon.  One of the first exhibits they came upon was “The Breeding Bulls.” Both were city kids and neither knew much about ranching or farming so they walked up to the first pen and saw a massive creature.  There was a sign attached to the pen that said, "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR". 
 
The young wife nudged her husband in the ribs, smiled and said, "Hey, that means he mated almost once a week."
They walked up to the second pen and there on the pen of this humongous creature was a sign that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR".
 
 
The young wife jabbed her husband in the stomach and said, "WOW!  That’s more than twice a week; can you believe it?  Maybe you could learn a lot from him."

Finally they walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached to it that said, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR".
 
 
 
The young wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke two of her husband’s ribs and said, "That’s once a day  ...You could REALLY learn from this one."

The young husband couldn’t take it anymore and turned to his wife and said, "Why don’t you go over and ask the owner if all that mating was with the same cow."
 
Preliminary reports released from the County Hospital so far indicate the young husband is doing fine.  He is in stable condition and is expected to make a full recovery.   

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The Mayoral Race

Local elections were just one week away and the mayoral race was going to be a close call. Several candidates were in the running as the long-seated and well-respected mayor had decided to retire and move to Arizona. As luck would have it, one of the candidates, “a dark horse candidate” with very little political savvy, was out doing door-to-door campaigning when he heard many residents in the neighborhood shouting that a young lady was about to jump off the Murray Street bridge.
 








Thinking this was a significant event which he, as a mayoral candidate should be a part of, he ran as fast as he could over to Murray Street to see first-hand what was going on. When he arrived at the bridge, a large crowd had already gathered there and everyone was trying to walk up on the bridge to get a closer look. However law enforcement officers from the city, some surrounding townships and the county sheriff’s department were all lined up on the bridge desperately trying to hold back the crowd and the media crews.


Seeing this as great opportunity to get his name in the paper, the candidate pushed his way through the crowd and told the law enforcement officers to let him through as he was a candidate for mayor. He ran up to the county deputy who was by the railing trying to talk the young lady off the railing and said, “Officer, I will take over from here.”

Without any formal training or special knowledge of how to handle a situation like this – a person about to commit suicide - the candidate walked over to the young woman, looked her square in the eyes and said, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" 

She tearfully replied, "I'm going to jump and commit suicide!!"

Wanting to appear sensitive, because he knew if he played his cards right this was going to be a once in a lifetime "be-a-legend" type opportunity so he asked her a question. "Before you jump, Honey, would you come over here and give me a big kiss that I can always remember? Be sure to make it your best kiss ever as it will be your last and my last from you."

Stunned by the question and obviously hesitating, the young lady finally leaned toward the railing, wrapped her arms around the mayoral candidate and did just what he requested. She gave him the best kiss she had ever given in her life. It was a long, deep, passionate, lingering kiss followed by several more, each one better in intensity than the last. The media crews and reporters were going wild; their film was rolling and they were snapping up photos.

After the mayoral candidate and would-be jumper breathlessly finished their kisses, the would-be mayor heard a thunderous applause from the crowd; even the local law enforcement officials on crowd control showed their support with their applause. 

Just then the county deputy standing next to them leaned over and grabbed the young lady and pulled her back on the bridge. At the same time the reporters and media crews broke through the line and rushed over with their films still rolling and their cameras still clicking away. Wanting the media to get all of this, the candidate kept on going.

"Wow Baby! That was the best kiss I have ever had! You have a real talent as a kisser and I should know, I am a pretty good kisser myself. Are you sure you want to waste your talent by jumping? I honestly believe you could be famous with kisses like that. How would you like to ride with me in my car tomorrow in the Founder’s Day parade? All of the other candidates running for mayor will be in this special parade and I would be proud to have you sit by me, by my side, in my car and wave to the crowd. Why the hell is someone as beautiful as you even thinking of committing suicide anyway, Sweetie?" 

"My parents, especially my Dad, don't like me dressing up like a girl."

The following week elections were held; this candidate did not win. In fact, final results showed he came in dead last. 

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Why State and Federal Stimulus Packages Seldom Work


It was a slow day in a small town located down state; the streets were deserted. Times have been tough the past year and everybody, especially the business owners, were all in debt. Just about every resident has been living on credit. 


Just then a staffer from the Governor's office in the state capital drove into town. He stopped in front of the local motel and looked around Main Street. 

Eventually he walked into the motel and laid a $100 bill on the front desk. He explained to the owner that he wanted to inspect every room in the motel to see if they were suitable for an Economic Summit the Governor was considering having in this small hamlet. The Governor wants to invite nonpartisan business and political leaders to gather together so they can shed light on the state’s economy and come up with a list of ideas he can consider to improve the state’s troubled economy.  

Since all the rooms were empty, the owner gladly handed the state official his master key. As soon as the state representative walked upstairs, the motel owner grabbed the hundred dollar bill on the counter and ran next door to pay down his debt with the butcher. The butcher thanked him and then took the hundred dollar bill down the street to retire his debt with the pig farmer. The pig farmer picked up the money and headed straight over to the co-op to pay off his debt with his feed supplier.

The feed supplier at the co-op, who happens to be single, grabbed the $100 and ran around the corner to pay off some of his debt with the local “lady of the night” who he had been spending considerable time with the past year.

Since times we hard for her as well the past twelve month had outstanding credit she had to pay off as well.  So took the money and rushed over to the motel and handed the $100 bill to the motel owner to pay down part of her motel room bills for all the rooms she has used over the past few months but wasn’t able to pay for.  

The motel proprietor takes the money from her and places it back on the center of the counter exactly where it was when the state official laid it down. 

Soon the governor’s staff employee returns from his room inspections and sadly announces the rooms would not be satisfactory for the planned summit the Governor wants to have.  He he will continue to look at other small rural towns. 

He hands the master key back to the motel owner, says thanks then picks up his $100 bill and leaves the motel, gets in his car and drives away.

Now it is important for everyone to note that nowhere in this example did individual produce anything or earn anything new; however at this very point in time, many small business owners in this small town have paid down their debt and are extremely grateful the state intervened. 

With the debt burden decreased there is now a genuine atmosphere of optimism throughout this town that things will soon be getting better. 


This my friends, is a prime example of how most "State and Federal Government Stimulus Packages" actually work!

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Local Government Quiz - Auto Accident

If a township officer, village board member, city council member, school board official and county commissioner are all in separate vehicles and traveling - in a single line - at a constant speed of 60 mph - in a forward direction - on a clear day - with no obstacles on the road, at which point is one of one of them unexpectedly likely to stomp on their brakes and cause a major pile up on a state or federal highway?











 

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Can You Hear It?

The mayor of a small rural community was asked to be one of the judges at the high school science fair. Proud to be asked, he gladly accepted the invitation.  As he walked through the maze of tables displaying all the student's science projects, he and his fellow judges were extremely impressed with the caliber of science projects the students came up with.










As the judges stopped to review the project of a student whose project focused on living in space one of the judges spoke:

"I wonder, if you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name would you be able to hear it?"  

Since none of the other judges made a comment, the mayor spoke up, "Well is the vacuum on or off?"           

Thursday, February 20, 2014

The Elementary School Field Trip

A group of third, fourth, and fifth graders went on a field trip to the new racetrack that was recently built in the community. The idea behind taking the children there was they could learn about thoroughbred horses and actually get to see some of the horses in their stalls. The children were accompanied by two female teachers.



After walking around the race track for a couple hours, it was time to take the children to the bathroom. Since there were only two teachers, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's room. All of a sudden one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinals - they were too high.

Feeling awkward but having no choice, the teacher had to go inside to help each one of the boys. First she undid their pants, then she hoisted them up one by one. It was obvious she was going to have to hold their "you know what" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted the fourth boy, the teacher could not help but notice that this boy was unusually well endowed for his age. 

Trying not to show her embarrassment she said, "You must be one of the boys in the fifth grade." 
 
"No, ma'am", he replied, "I'm riding 'Silver Arrow' in the seventh race today and I really do appreciate your help."

 

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Every Local Public Official Can Change


Monday, February 3, 2014

51 Days - Just 51 Days

Four village board officials walk into a local bar; they're laughing and appear to be in a jovial mood.  They sit down at a table and one asks, "Bartender can you bring us a round of beers please?"  It's obvious they're excited about something as they are all smiling and just having a gay old time. 

When the bartender brings their beer over, they stand up, raise their glasses, and propose a toast - "51 days! 51 days! Just 51 days!"  Soon they order a second round and this time they all jump up and do a happy dance around the table, exchanging high-fives while still chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days." 
The bartender is dying of  curiosity and asks, "What's all the excitement about boys?"  


One of them points to a beautifully framed child's picture puzzle of Ronald McDonald - completely put together - laying in the middle of the table.  "There ... can you see it?" they ask with excitement. 


 
The bartender stares at the small puzzle of Ronald McDonald laying in the center of the table. "Well do you see it?" asks one of the village officers.


"Well I must be slow today," says the bartender, "can you boys help me out; I don't get it?" 

"Well, many people in this village think our village board is run by a bunch of idiots so we decided to set the record straight. Last month, the four of us got together and bought this puzzle of Ronald McDonald over at Wal-Mart.  Together, we worked as a team a few hours each night and today we finished putting this puzzle together. The label on the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we were able to put it together in just 51 days!"