Monday, March 24, 2014

Breeding Bulls at the County Fair

It was a beautiful summer day and a young newly wed couple decided to go to the county fair for the afternoon.  One of the first exhibits they came upon was “The Breeding Bulls.” Both were city kids and neither knew much about ranching or farming so they walked up to the first pen and saw a massive creature.  There was a sign attached to the pen that said, "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR". 
The young wife nudged her husband in the ribs, smiled and said, "Hey, that means he mated almost once a week."
They walked up to the second pen and there on the pen of this humongous creature was a sign that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR".
The young wife jabbed her husband in the stomach and said, "WOW!  That’s more than twice a week; can you believe it?  Maybe you could learn a lot from him."

Finally they walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached to it that said, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR".
The young wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke two of her husband’s ribs and said, "That’s once a day  ...You could REALLY learn from this one."

The young husband couldn’t take it anymore and turned to his wife and said, "Why don’t you go over and ask the owner if all that mating was with the same cow."
Preliminary reports released from the County Hospital so far indicate the young husband is doing fine.  He is in stable condition and is expected to make a full recovery.   

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The Mayoral Race

Local elections were just one week away and the mayoral race was going to be a close call. Several candidates were in the running as the long-seated and well-respected mayor had decided to retire and move to Arizona. As luck would have it, one of the candidates, “a dark horse candidate” with very little political savvy, was out doing door-to-door campaigning when he heard many residents in the neighborhood shouting that a young lady was about to jump off the Murray Street bridge.

Thinking this was a significant event which he, as a mayoral candidate should be a part of, he ran as fast as he could over to Murray Street to see first-hand what was going on. When he arrived at the bridge, a large crowd had already gathered there and everyone was trying to walk up on the bridge to get a closer look. However law enforcement officers from the city, some surrounding townships and the county sheriff’s department were all lined up on the bridge desperately trying to hold back the crowd and the media crews.

Seeing this as great opportunity to get his name in the paper, the candidate pushed his way through the crowd and told the law enforcement officers to let him through as he was a candidate for mayor. He ran up to the county deputy who was by the railing trying to talk the young lady off the railing and said, “Officer, I will take over from here.”

Without any formal training or special knowledge of how to handle a situation like this – a person about to commit suicide - the candidate walked over to the young woman, looked her square in the eyes and said, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" 

She tearfully replied, "I'm going to jump and commit suicide!!"

Wanting to appear sensitive, because he knew if he played his cards right this was going to be a once in a lifetime "be-a-legend" type opportunity so he asked her a question. "Before you jump, Honey, would you come over here and give me a big kiss that I can always remember? Be sure to make it your best kiss ever as it will be your last and my last from you."

Stunned by the question and obviously hesitating, the young lady finally leaned toward the railing, wrapped her arms around the mayoral candidate and did just what he requested. She gave him the best kiss she had ever given in her life. It was a long, deep, passionate, lingering kiss followed by several more, each one better in intensity than the last. The media crews and reporters were going wild; their film was rolling and they were snapping up photos.

After the mayoral candidate and would-be jumper breathlessly finished their kisses, the would-be mayor heard a thunderous applause from the crowd; even the local law enforcement officials on crowd control showed their support with their applause. 

Just then the county deputy standing next to them leaned over and grabbed the young lady and pulled her back on the bridge. At the same time the reporters and media crews broke through the line and rushed over with their films still rolling and their cameras still clicking away. Wanting the media to get all of this, the candidate kept on going.

"Wow Baby! That was the best kiss I have ever had! You have a real talent as a kisser and I should know, I am a pretty good kisser myself. Are you sure you want to waste your talent by jumping? I honestly believe you could be famous with kisses like that. How would you like to ride with me in my car tomorrow in the Founder’s Day parade? All of the other candidates running for mayor will be in this special parade and I would be proud to have you sit by me, by my side, in my car and wave to the crowd. Why the hell is someone as beautiful as you even thinking of committing suicide anyway, Sweetie?" 

"My parents, especially my Dad, don't like me dressing up like a girl."

The following week elections were held; this candidate did not win. In fact, final results showed he came in dead last. 

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Why State and Federal Stimulus Packages Seldom Work

It was a slow day in a small town located down state; the streets were deserted. Times have been tough the past year and everybody, especially the business owners, were all in debt. Just about every resident has been living on credit. 

Just then a staffer from the Governor's office in the state capital drove into town. He stopped in front of the local motel and looked around Main Street. 

Eventually he walked into the motel and laid a $100 bill on the front desk. He explained to the owner that he wanted to inspect every room in the motel to see if they were suitable for an Economic Summit the Governor was considering having in this small hamlet. The Governor wants to invite nonpartisan business and political leaders to gather together so they can shed light on the state’s economy and come up with a list of ideas he can consider to improve the state’s troubled economy.  

Since all the rooms were empty, the owner gladly handed the state official his master key. As soon as the state representative walked upstairs, the motel owner grabbed the hundred dollar bill on the counter and ran next door to pay down his debt with the butcher. The butcher thanked him and then took the hundred dollar bill down the street to retire his debt with the pig farmer. The pig farmer picked up the money and headed straight over to the co-op to pay off his debt with his feed supplier.

The feed supplier at the co-op, who happens to be single, grabbed the $100 and ran around the corner to pay off some of his debt with the local “lady of the night” who he had been spending considerable time with the past year.

Since times we hard for her as well the past twelve month had outstanding credit she had to pay off as well.  So took the money and rushed over to the motel and handed the $100 bill to the motel owner to pay down part of her motel room bills for all the rooms she has used over the past few months but wasn’t able to pay for.  

The motel proprietor takes the money from her and places it back on the center of the counter exactly where it was when the state official laid it down. 

Soon the governor’s staff employee returns from his room inspections and sadly announces the rooms would not be satisfactory for the planned summit the Governor wants to have.  He he will continue to look at other small rural towns. 

He hands the master key back to the motel owner, says thanks then picks up his $100 bill and leaves the motel, gets in his car and drives away.

Now it is important for everyone to note that nowhere in this example did individual produce anything or earn anything new; however at this very point in time, many small business owners in this small town have paid down their debt and are extremely grateful the state intervened. 

With the debt burden decreased there is now a genuine atmosphere of optimism throughout this town that things will soon be getting better. 

This my friends, is a prime example of how most "State and Federal Government Stimulus Packages" actually work!

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Local Government Quiz - Auto Accident

If a township officer, village board member, city council member, school board official and county commissioner are all in separate vehicles and traveling - in a single line - at a constant speed of 60 mph - in a forward direction - on a clear day - with no obstacles on the road, at which point is one of one of them unexpectedly likely to stomp on their brakes and cause a major pile up on a state or federal highway?