Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Mayor and the Elephant

A young City Council member was selected to participate in a UN sponsored local government exchange program.  He was invited to work in Africa for 30 days.  While in Africa he would  able to observe and study the various functions of local African village government.

On the evening prior his return back to the States, the young council member took a walk through the bush and amazingly came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised.  The young elephant seemed to be in distress. The  City Council member timidly walked over to the elephant, got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. Immediately he noticed a large piece of wood embedded deeply into the sole of the elephant's foot.

The City Council person took out his pocket knife and as gently as he could extracted the large sliver.  The elephant put down his foot and gingerly leaned on its foot several seconds then with what appeared to be a smile on his face the elephant slowly turned and started to walk away. Suddenly the elephant stopped, turned around and looked directly at the young City Council member; it raised its leg then trumpeted loudly before it ran off into the jungle as to say 'Thank You'

Years quickly passed and that young City Council person was now the Mayor. While giving a tour of the new City Zoo to a group of visiting dignitaries a large bull walked up to the bars on the elephant enclosure and starred at the Mayor. 

The elephant’s eyes followed the Mayor’s every move. One of the visitors said "Mayor I believe that that elephant is looking at you". The Mayor stopped and gazed at the elephant. They both stood silent and looked at each other. Finally, the elephant lifted its front leg, wagged it side to side then trumpeted loudly. Recalling his encounter years earlier in Africa the Mayor wondered if this could be the same elephant he met in the bush.

Summoning up his courage, he stepped over the outer fence and walked up close to the bars. Slowly the elephant snaked its trunk through the bars and gently touched the Mayor's face. As the Mayor moved closer the elephant wrapped its lovingly trunk around the Mayor as though he were caressing him. Then without warning the elephant squeezed the Mayor’s torso tightly, raised the Mayor high in the air then repeatedly slammed him into the ground several times killing him. Obviously this was not the same elephant the Mayor had met years ago.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Differences Between Local Dairy Farmers

You have two cows. You create a corporation and sell one of your cows but lease it back to your corporation then do an IPO on the 2nd cow. You tell your foreman to raise the milk production of each cow and are surprised when one dies. You immediately send out a press release stating your dairy farm will downsize to reduce expenses and the price of your stock goes up.

You have two cows, one is of French descent, the other of English descent. Your English cow won't share any hay with the French cow and the French cow wants to control all the English cow's milk.

You have two cows. After analyzing their actions you redesign them so they are 40% smaller than most cows however they yield 35% more milk per milking. All your cows are good students, they study hard and excel in both math and science.

You have two cows. You want purity in your herd so you start to gentically engineer your cows. Your goal is to have blond haired, blue eyed cows who can drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk and run extremely fast on the autobahn.

You have two cows. You demand the government give you one more and go on strike. While on strike you drink lots of wine. Life is good.

You have two cows but don't know where they are. You go in the fields to look for them and meet a beautiful woman. You invite her to lunch and the two of you enjoy the afternoon. Life is good.

You government representative has given you two cows and a case of vodka. Later that day you go out to your field to count your cows and learn you now have five cows. Excited you have three extra cows you decide to drink another bottle of vodka. Later in the evening you re-count your cows and learn you now have 14. Life is good.

You have two cows; however they have gone into hiding somewhere in the caves in the nearby mountains. Occasionally your cows release audio and video tapes of their mooing so you know they are still alive. Life good.

You have two bulls. Several of your farm hands have been seriously maimed and a two have been killed trying to milk your bulls.

You possess all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. Neither you or your farm hands milk them because you are not allowed to touch the private parts or any animal. You apply for and receive a $40 million grant from the US Government to find alternatives to milk production. Your grant is approved however when the money arrives you use it to buy weapons for local tribal leaders.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Alcohol and a Mayoral Candidate

A candidate running for Mayor was asked his thoughts on alcohol. If you mean the demon drink that poisons our minds, pollutes our bodies destroys marriages and ruins careers then I assure you I am against it. However if you are referring to that delicious elixir of Holiday cheer, that shield against a cold winter chill, that taxable potion that generates needed funds to maintain our schools and build new senior citizen centers then I'm 100% for it. That is my position and I promise the good people of this fair City that I will not compromise. The Candidate was elected Mayor.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Excused From Jury Duty

A jury was needed for a trial. After going through a jury pool a jury was impaneled – 12 jurors and two alternates. On the day of the trail all 14 jurors were escorted into the courtroom and seated in the jury box. As soon as Judge walked in juror # 8 raised his hand and asked the Judge if he could be excused. Bewildered the Judge asked why? Juror # 8 responded “poor jury selection”.

The judge looked sternly at the Clerk of the Court and motioned for her to approach the bench. Well asked the Judge? That’s impossible your honor! We use a sophisticated software system that indiscriminately selects two hundred random names from our county resident data base. Those 200 names are then fed into another independent software program that analyzes critical data such as age, sex, arrest records, date of residency etc. to randomly identify 40 potential names for a jury pool.

Those 40 names are printed off and placed in a steel drum in my office. Two nonpartisan witnesses are summoned to watch as the drum is spun and I pull out 14 names. The 14 names I pull out of the drum are all mailed a juror selection notice along with specific instructions as to when and where to report for jury duty. As they report to my office on the day of the trial they are assigned a number. The first 12 are our jurors and the last two are our alternates. I assure you Your Honor, all 14 of these people were selected using only the highest acceptable standards.

The Judge turned and now looked at Juror # 8 and said son, the only way I can release a juror is if I am provided with a compelling reason as to why that person (or persons) cannot render a fair and impartial decision. Do you have such a reason for me? Yes sir I believe I do said juror # 8. Well what is it asked the Judge. Juror # 2 is my ex-wife Your Honor and I guarantee we will not be able to agree on anything." The Judge excused both jurors .

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The High School Bathroom Mirror Problem

The new school year had begun and just like always a number of the 7th grade girls at the middle school were beginning to wear lipstick. Most would leave home without any lipstick; however they would quickly apply it once they arrived at school. The routine was to go into the bathroom, apply the lipstick, then when they were done many they press their lips against the mirror. Those little lip prints all over the mirrors were once again upsetting the custodial staff.

Tired of hearing the custodians complain, the new principal decided it was time do something so she had all the 7th girls report to the bathroom on the second floor at 2PM. There she, and the custodial supervisor were waiting. When all the young ladies had arrived the principal explained that lip prints on the mirrors were causing a problem for the custodians who have to clean them each night. Many of the girls now giggled.

The Principal asked the girls to watch how hard it was for a custodian clean lipstick off a mirror. She took out a tube of lipstick and made several marks with it on the mirror then asked the custodial supervisor to demonstrate how hard it is to remove it. The supervisor grabbed her squeegee, dipped it into the toilet bowl and pulled it across the mirror several times. She dunked her squeegee into the bowl a second time and this time rubbed it vigorously across the mirror. With a fair amount of effort she was soon able to have the mirror clean.
Amazingly, not a single lip print has appeared on any bathroom mirrors for the rest of the school year.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Oldest Profession

It was a hot August Saturday afternoon; most of the staff and many of the elected officials from city hall were at a city park enjoying their annual summer picnic. The Medical Examiner, the City Engineer and the Mayor were sitting at a picnic table and each was enjoying a refreshing beverage. While they sat and sipped their beverages they became engaged in a lively discussion as to which one of their professions was really the oldest profession.

The Medical Examiner spoke first and said, "Gentleman, let us not forget that on the sixth day God took a single rib from Adam and made Eve; therefore it is clear that God was the first surgeon and thus you’ll have to admit that medicine is the oldest profession."

The Civil Engineer quickly interrupted and said "Not so fast Doc. Remember before that day God had already created heaven and earth from chaos and confusion; therefore you’ll have to concede that God was really the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is obviously the oldest profession" After tipping his can up in the air and savoring the last drop the Mayor slowly wiped his lips and quitely said "But who gentlemen do you think created all of the chaos and confusion that God had to deal with?"