Is It or Isn't It?

The County Board Chair had just returned from a six-week vacation to Florida and there was a County Board meeting scheduled at 4PM.   Being the conscientious person he was, he arrived at the courthouse early, around 2PM.   He wanted to walk around the building to make sure all was okay and also to touch base with a few key people to find out if anything significant happened while he was away.

His first stop was the Zoning Department where he met with the Zoning Director.   Immediately the Zoning Director asked, “Have you met Nookie Green our new Public Health Nurse?" 

 

"No, why?" asked the County Board Chair.   "She is definitely a knockout; wait till you meet her."

 

After leaving the Zoning Department, the County Board Chair walked down to the Veteran's Service Office and met with the VA coordinator.  The first thing the VA Coordinator asked was, “Have you met Nookie Green yet?”

 

“No," said the Board Chair, "Why?" 

 

"She is absolutely gorgeous the VA Coordinator replied.
 
Finally, the Board Chair went to the Treasurer's Officer to speak with the County Treasurer.   The Treasurer immediately asked, "Have you met Nookie Green yet?" 

 

"No," he replied.

 

"Well, wait till you do – she will blow you away ... she is just so stunning it is unbelievable."

Well, it was getting close to 4PM so the County Board Chair made his way to the board room.   As he took his seat and began to lay out his board meeting documents, he could not help but notice a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman enter the board room.  Immediately the eyes of every man in the board room focused on her as she slowly sashayed to a seat up in the front row.

She was wearing an attractive, form-fitting, short, bright green dress with matching, shiny (patent leather) emerald-green shoes.   When she sat down, she sat with her legs slightly parted and it appeared to the County Board Chair that she wasn't wearing any under garments.

Flabbergasted, the County Board Chair turned slowly to the  Board colleague on his right and whispered, "Look at that redheaded woman in the front row -  is that Nookie Green?" 

 

Appearing shocked by the question, his  colleague looked up at the woman for a few seconds then calmly turned to the Board Chair and whispered ..."No, I think that's just a reflection from her shoes."

Why Some States Have A Fiscal Crisis

A mayor from a large urban community took his family on a week’s vacation to a rustic cabin in a rural part of the state. On the second morning, the mayor decided to go for a jog with the family dog along a scenic nature trail.  While jogging, a coyote ran out of the woods, growled fiercely, then  attacked the mayor's dog. 

The mayor tries to pull the coyote off and is bitten in the hand.  While holding his bleeding hand, he reflects on one of his favorite childhood movies - "Bambi".   The mayor realizes the coyote is only doing what comes naturally.  After a few minutes, the coyote releases its hold on the dog and runs back into the woods.

The mayor carries his wounded dog back to the cabin and  calls 911 to report the incident.  An animal control officer is dispatched and captures the coyote.  The coyote is taken to a local veterinarian clinic and tested for diseases.  No diseases are found and the coyote is relocated to a less populated part of the state.

The mayor, on his own, calls another local veterinarian to examine his dog.  The dog's wounds are cleaned, the dog is given several stitches and pain pills are prescribed.

To insure he is alright, the mayor’s wife insists he go to the local hospital emergency room to get checked for any diseases and have his hand looked at.   The doctor in the ER, has blood drawn, gives the mayor four stitches, then bandages up his wounds.

 
The County Board - to be safe - decides to close the jogging trail for 90 days and asks the State Fish & Game Department to conduct a survey of the area to make sure the area is free of any other dangerous coyotes.

To prevent future coyote encounters, the County has the Sheriff's Department, in conjunction with the Public Health Office, establish a Coyote Awareness Program (CAP).

PETA hears about the relocation of the coyote to another part of the state and files a federal injunction to prevent any  future relocation of coyotes.  A trial date is currently pending with a federal judge in district court.

Veterinarian bill to test the coyote for rabies - $200. 
Cost to relocate the coyote - $750.
Veterinarian bill for examining the mayor's dog - $150.
Emergency room bill for the mayor - $1,100
Cost for the Fish & Game Department survey - $9,000.
Cost to fund the Coyote Awareness Program - $13,000 

*********************
Across the border in another state - a local township officer is out taking his morning jog with his dog.  They are in a rural area on a nature trail.  As luck would have it, a coyote jumps out of the woods and prepares to attack his dog.   The township officer pulls out a small pistol from his fanny pack and shoots the coyote before it can harm his dog.  The township officer and his dog continue their jog.  Crows soon fly in the area and eat the dead coyote. 

 

The costs?

Estimate $.06 for a .22 hollow point cartridge.

And this my friends helps explain why some states have a fiscal crisis and others don't.

A Government Service Performed on the Surface of the Moon

Many people can clearly remember July 20, 1969, when Astronaut Neil Armstrong first set foot on the surface of the moon.  The first words he spoke when he stepped down on the lunar surface are etched in the hearts and minds of people all over the world - "That's one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind."

Unfortunately, most people are unaware that 55 minutes later when he prepared to reboard the Lunar Lander - before his last foot left the surface, Neil Armstrong said loudly - "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

The engineers and support technicians at NASA thought that  causal remark was something to get the ire of the Soviet cosmonauts.  Never, ever did Neil Armstrong explain or reveal this remark until July 5, 1995.

On this hot Wednesday afternoon during a press conference, a senior reporter who had covered the space program for many years asked Neil point blank about that often forgotten Gorsky comment on the surface of the moon. "What was that about?  Was it really to make a jab at the Russians?"

Neil smiled with that wonderful grin of his and said, "Well, I can probably explain that remark now; Mr. Gorsky passed away a few years back and I don't think he would mind." 

"You see, when I was a kid in a small Midwestern town back around 1938, I was playing baseball with some friends in my backyard.  One of the guys hit the ball hard and it flew over the fence into a neighbor's yard and I ran over to get it."

"As I was walked into their yard, I heard our neighbors - Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky - in a very heated argument.  I had no idea what caused the argument and I did not stay to listen; but I distinctly remember hearing Mrs. Gorsky tell Mr. Gorsky the next time you'll have sex with me is when that little Armstrong kid next door walks on the moon."

 

Road Rage

When the light turned yellow, the driver could have sped through the intersection and beaten the red light, but he did the right thing; he stopped and waited at the crosswalk.  The woman driver behind him, who had been tailgating him for the last half mile, was furious and began to honk on her horn.

Repeatedly the woman honked and then rolled down her window and began to yell out a tirade of filthy obscenities at the driver in front of her.  It was obvious she was furious because she missed the opportunity to make it through this intersection.

As she began to scream out another volley of choice cuss words, a young but serious looking police officer approached her vehicle.  The officer ordered her to exit her vehicle and place her hands up over her head.  After cuffing the woman, he put her in the squad car and took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

Almost an hour passed before the Chief of Police personally walked down to her cell, opened the door and then escorted her back to the booking area.  There waiting near the entrance was the young officer who brought her in holding a bag with all the personal effects he had confiscated from her.

The police chief said, "Council Member Smith, this is Officer Johnson.  He is new to our department and I believe he has something he would like to tell you." 

"Council Member Smith, I am very sorry for this terrible mistake and sincerely hope you will forgive me. You see, when I pulled up behind your vehicle and you were blowing your horn, flipping off the driver in front of you, and cussing out your window, I could not help but notice the "What Would Jesus Do?" rear window sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bump sticker, and the chrome-plated "Christian fish" emblem on the trunk of your car as I approached?  I just assumed you had a stolen vehicle.  Will you please forgive me?"

The Bronze Rat

A local resident was furious; the County Board had raised his property taxes once again.  He called the courthouse and demanded to be put on the next County Board agenda.  He wanted to explain his disgust with his taxes being raised and to ask the County Board to reconsider his new tax assessment.  The County Board voted unanimously to keep his tax assessment at the new rate.

What really made him mad though was that his very own County Board representative, a person whom he supported over many years, voted against his request to lower his tax assessment.  Upon leaving the courthouse, he was furious and headed directly for a filthy little curio shop in a seedy part of town.  He planned to purchase a fitting gift for his County Board representative who voted against him.

While in the little curio shop, he looked at all kinds of exotic merchandise but nothing captured his true feelings of contempt for his County representative.  Then, in the corner of his eye, he noticed a very life-like, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat.  "How much for the bronze rat?  he asked the elderly store clerk.

 

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely my son,”  said the shop owner.  “It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story that goes with it,” said the old man.  The young man opened his wallet and handed the clerk two singles and a ten and said, "I just need this rat; you keep the story."

The man walked proudly out of the store carrying the bronze rat which he was now going to give to his County Board member.  However, as he walked, he noticed a few real rats running out of the alley and following him.  Since this was a little unnerving, he began to walk faster.  A few feet later, he turned around and, to his horror, he saw a large pack of rats crawling out of the sewer and following him.

Fearful for his life, he started to run as fast as he could, but the number of rats kept growing.  There were now nearly 500 rats all squealing and chasing right after him.  As he ran across the downtown city bridge, he threw the bronze rat statue as far as he could off the bridge into the icy cold water and amazingly, all the rats jumped off the bridge after the bronze rat statue. Once the rats hit the icy water, they all drowned.

Relieved he had gotten rid of all those rats, the man walked straight back to the little curio shop.  When he walked in the  owner immediately spoke, "Ahhh, you have come back for story?"

 

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze statue of any locally elected government official."

How Fast Is a Local Public Official

Most local public officials, even under ideal conditions, will occasionally have trouble:

     Locating their car keys,

     Finding a phone number saved on their cell phone,

     Retrieving a document saved on their computer, or

        Even trying to "pin the tail on the donkey."

However, every local public official I have ever met has told me they can find and push the snooze button on their alarm clock from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, with their eyes closed, first time, every time, on the morning of a board or council meeting when a public hearing scheduled.

The Bragging Mayor

A young Mayor from a Midwestern city bordering the Great Lakes was appointed to be a representative to a conference in Canada to discuss the ecological concerns with the Great Lakes.  Upon arriving in Toronto for his first time, the Mayor hailed a cab, jumped in the back seat, and asked the driver to take him to his hotel. 

On the way to his hotel, the cab passed a tall building and the young Mayor asked the driver, "What's that building?"

 

"That's the Royal York Hotel," replied the cabbie.  "The Royal York - wow its pretty big!  How long did it take to build it?" asked the Mayor.

 

"About 5 years, I believe," replied the cabbie.  

 

"5 years?  Why in my city we can build a hotel twice as high as that and we can do it in 10 months."

A little while later the cab passed the Metro - Toronto Convention Centre.  "What's that?"  asked the Mayor.

 

"That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre," replied the cabbie.

 

"Convention Centre?  How long did it take to build it?" asked the Mayor.

 

"About three years, I think," replied the cabbie.

 

"Three years?  Why in my city we could build a convention center three times as long and four times as wide as that and we could do it in about four months."

Shortly thereafter the cab came upon the CN Tower.  "What's that?" asked the Mayor, pointing at the tower.

 

"Danged if I know," replied the cab driver.  "It wasn't there this morning when I drove by." 

County Officials Held Hostage

A group of extremists burst into the Conference Room of the Hilton Hotel where the National Association of County Association (NaCO) was holding its annual conference.

More than 700 County Supervisors, County Commissioners, Parishes Commissioners, Parish Supervisors, Borough Commissioners and Borough Supervisors from across the Country were in attendance. 

Several local news media outlets arrived on the scene with their news cameras turned on.  Finally, the terrorist leader came out and addressed the media.  He announced that unless all their demands were met, they would release one  County official every hour.

Sheriff's Deputies To the Rescue

An elderly gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden but he was old and the ground was hard.  Every year, his son, James Jr., dug the garden behind the garage but Junior, his only son, was currently serving time in the county jail for a series of alleged burglaries.

Frustrated by his inability to dig his garden, the old man went in the house and wrote his son a letter.

Dear Junior,

Hope you are doing well.  I am sad today; I am not sure if I will be able to plant my tomatoes this year.  I'm old and it's too hard for me to dig the soil behind the garage by myself.

Junior, you were always a good son and dug my plot for me.  I know if you weren't in jail, you would dig it for me just like you always did.  However, since you are not available, I plan to call your cousin, Billy, to see if he can come over next weekend and dig the plot behind the garage for me.

 
Love,  Papa

A few days later the father received a letter from his son, Jimmy, in the county jail.

Dear Pop,

Please, please, please, whatever you do, don't have Billy dig  any dirt behind the garage; that's where I buried the money and the loot from all the burglaries.  Love, Jimmy

At 4 a.m. the following morning, a dozen sheriff's deputies arrived at the old man’s home.  They had a search warrant and immediately proceeded to the backyard behind the garage.  After digging up the entire area behind the garage for several hours, they found nothing.  As they left, they apologized to the old man.

Later that afternoon the old man received a collect call from  the county jail.  It was Junior who said, " Hope you'll be able to plant your tomatoes now Pop.  That was the best I could do under the circumstances.   Love you!  Jimmy

The Power Of Newly Elected Officials

Anything in local or municipal government (i.e. County, City, Village, Township, Borough or Parish) is possible when  newly elected  public officials don't know what the heck they are talking about.