Sunday, February 19, 2017

The Mayor's Annual Prostate Exam

After the Mayor's annual Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.

As the Mayor was about to get dressed there was a soft rap on the door and a nurse came in. As the nurse shut the door, she uttered three words the Mayor did not want to hear:

"Who was that man who was just in here with you?"

Monday, December 5, 2016

The Old Man Who Was Speeding On a County Hwy

A County Deputy pulled over an elderly gentleman for speeding. The old guy was doing almost 20 miles over the legal speed limit. The Deputy asked to see the elderly driver's license then went back to his squad car to run a check on the license.  Incredibly this old man who had been driving for nearly 47 years never once been given a traffic citation.

Upon returning to the old man’s vehicle the Deputy said "I don’t want to spoil your driving record Sir so if you can give me any possible excuse why it was necessary for you to be driving 20 miles over the speed limit I will let you go with a warning".

Without batting an eye the old man looked at the Deputy and said "25 years ago my wife ran off with a Deputy from this County and when I saw you driving behind me I thought you were him trying to bring her back".

After laughing hysterically the officer replied. “Slow down old timer and have a nice day”.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Hot Things Hot - Cold Things Cold

A township officer from an extremely rural area drove 75 miles to the 'big city' to do some shopping at a brand new Wal-Mart that had just opened the week before.   The Wal-Mart was the largest store the township officer had ever seen.

Why walking up and down the many aisles he noticed a long cylindrical shiny object behind one counters where a clerk was working.  He walked over to the employee behind the counter and asked "Miss What's that shiny object behind you on that ledge." Oh this, she replied, "That's my thermos."

"A thermos"? replied the township officer "What does it do?" The employee replied, "It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold."

Boy o boy, the township officer thought; that was just about the most incredible thing he had ever heard of. What a wonderful device. The employee said we sell them here at the store they are down in aisle 5. The township officer immediately went down to aisle 5 picked it up and bought it.

The following week the township officer brought his new thermos with him to the township meeting. When the other township officers saw that shiny object they asked him "What is that thing?"

"Why that's a thermos" said the proud township officer.  "What does a thermos do" asked one of the township officers?  "Well it keep my hot foods hot and cold foods cold".

"Really they all said - what do you have in it now" they all wanted to know. "Well, right now I have a Popsicle and my coffee in it."

Friday, September 2, 2016

Great Answer to a TV Reporters Questions - This is a great lesson for all government officials.

General 'Sir Peter John Cosgrove', AK, MC (born 28 July 1947) is a retired senior Australian Army officer and currently the 26th the Governor-General of Australia

He was made a Knight of the Order of Australia.  
General Cosgrove was recently interviewed on TV by Leigh Sales a reporter from the ABC.

If you are a local government official do yourself a favor and take a moment and read his reply to the reporter question when she asked him about guns and children. My thought is this is probably one of the best replies given to a reporter.

Below is the portion of the interview between ABC journalist Leigh Sales and General Cosgrove - who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

LEIGH SALES  (The reporter):

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?


We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?


I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.


Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?


I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.


But aren't you equipping them to become violent killers.


Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Neighbor Used The City Council Members Wife and Now Has Remorse.

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor who just happens to be a city council member. The text he sends reads:

"Bob, I'm sorry.  For the last six months I have been riddled with guilt and I want to confess to you. There is no easy way to say this but the truth is I have been helping myself to your wife when you were not at home.

When you would leave for city county meetings or go out to conduct city business and I saw you weren’t home I took those opportunities to hop on and use your wife.  Bob, I know there’s no excuse for my behavior but I stopped getting it at home and I wanted it bad. I can't live with this guilt any longer and hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. I promise it won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob went to the closet and grabbed his gun. He walked straight into the bedroom where his wife was reading a book and without a word shot her two times.

Moments later Bob, the city council member, received another text from his neighbor which read: Really should have used spell check Bob! That last text I sent should have read “I have been using your ‘wifi’ - not your wife”.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

The City Council Member's Son and a Popsicle

The City Council meeting ended earlier than expected so when the City Council member got home, he asked his wife if she would like to have sex.

There was however, one problem.  Their young son was home so they decided to do what they had frequently done before.  They sent him out on the balcony of their apartment building with a popsicle and asked him to report on everything he saw outside. 

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot across the street," the boy shouted.

"Hey, an ambulance just drove by with its lights on!"

"Looks like the Anderson's have lots of company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving; they are loading a big rental truck!"

"Jason is on his skate board and he is not wearing his helmet!"

After a few moments he announced...

"The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, the City Council member and his wife shot up in bed.

The City Council member cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"

"They just sent Jimmy out on the balcony with a popsicle.”

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

New Concept In Traffic Sign Design

In an attempt to get young children to read stop at intersections this new traffic sign design has been created. Hopefully children will read it and pay more attention to traffic condition. 

Friday, October 30, 2015

Possible Labor Law Violation

A man owned a large rabbit ranch in the upper mid-west. His State's Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to all his help and it sent an investigator out to interview this rabbit rancher.

The investigator drove up in his big flashy state vehicle and walked up to rancher flashed his badge and said "I am with the State Department of Labor and I need a complete list of your employees and how much you pay them," .

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my barn manager over there.  He's been with me for 5 years now. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board."

"And over there is my breeding supervisor and feeder. He’s been with me 3 years and I pay him $450 a week plus free room and board. Finally there is cook - she’s over there.  She has been with us almost 11 months and I pay her $325 a week plus free room and board."

"Oh and then there's the half-wit we have here at the ranch. He’s been here since we started the ranch; he’s a hard worker and a jack of all trades. He can do just about anything on the ranch and he works about 18 hours every day - including Saturdays and Sundays.  He seldom takes a day off and I am pretty sure he does about 90% of all the work around here on the ranch. He makes just a little over $70 per week however he pays for his own room and board."

"But, I have to admit I buy a bottle of Jim Beam every Saturday night, and once in a while I let him sleep with my wife."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit. Where is he" asked the investigator?

"You're talking to him," replied the rabbit rancher.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

The Unique Relationship Between Brass Monkeys and Cold Weather

 With winter rapidly approaching across many parts of the U.S., it might be wise for you to know the historical connection between "cold weather" and "brass monkeys". I was stunned when I first heard this.  Since organizational leaders and local government public officials are often expected to know everything and have all the answers, hopefully this story will provide you with some information you can use in the future. 

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons on board. Those cannons fired heavy iron cannonballs. It was necessary for each ship to keep a good supply of cannonballs near each cannon should they be attacked by a hostile vessel.

The problem each ship faced was how to prevent the round cannonballs from rolling around the deck. The solution was to stack the cannonballs in a square-based pyramid with one ball on top which would rest on four which would rest on nine, which would rest on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 29 cannonballs could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem with this method - how do you prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling about from under the others? The solution was the invention of a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls resting in the indentations would quickly rust with the salt water spray. So to prevent the rusting problem, "Brass Monkeys" were developed.

Brass is not a perfect metal and few people are aware that brass contracts more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the wind temperatures on the ship dropped too far, the indentations in the brass monkeys would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs on the bottom tier would roll right off the monkey.

Therefore whenever the outside temperature fell to around 32 degrees, it was quite literally "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."

Now I am thinking - like most people you probably thought this was an improper expression to use in public.

Hope you enjoyed this brief history lesson.  Remember learning can and should be fun .  That's the reason so many professional associations, business organizations and units of local government invite Gabe Gabrielsen to solve their problems and provide their employees and staffs with great educational programs.  


Wednesday, September 2, 2015

"Complete" or "Finished" how should they be used?

Here's is an English lesson for every local public official.

This does not require you to put on your thinking caps.

So get ready for a great English lesson --- regarding "Complete" or "Finished"?

Here goes.  No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished".  However, during a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this, "Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished'.  Please explain the difference in a way that is "easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response, "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete'.  If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished'.  And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished'."

His answer received a five-minute standing ovation.