Sunday, March 19, 2017

Elected Official's Marital Problems Averted

A married County Board member began having an affair with one of the secretaries in the courthouse. One day their passions overcame them and they left the courthouse in the afternoon to spend time together at her apartment.

Exhausted from their afternoon’s activities they both fell asleep on her bed and awoke around 8PM. As the County Board member began putting his clothes on he asked his lady friend to take his shoes outside and thoroughly rub them through the grass in the backyard several times.

Though somewhat confused by his request, she did as told and rubbed his shoes over and over again in the tall grass in the backyard. When she returned he put his shoes on, kissed her, said good-bye and jumped in his car and drove home.

When the County Board member arrived home his wife was furious. She said she had called the courthouse several times during the afternoon and early evening hours and no one had seen him or knew where he was. She demanded to know where he had been.

Darling he said – I can’t lie. I met a woman and we have been having an affair. This afternoon we went to her house and spent the afternoon there. I fell asleep in her bed and did not wake up until after 8PM. 

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said – Liar!. You have been out playing golf again haven’t you?

County Jail Escape

Did you hear about the midget fortune-teller who escaped from the County Jail? She is listed officially classified as a small medium at large.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Potential Public Safety Advisory

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Good Humor for rural and non-urban Government Officials

A young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field.

Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife.

She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Local DMV driver testing

A newly arrived immigrant from Warsaw, Poland went to the local DMV office to apply for a driver's license. First, he was administered a written exam which he passed with a score of 100% correct.

Next he was directed to take the regulation eye sight test. The DMV agent had him stand with his toes touching a white line on the carpet then he directed the man to read out loud all the letters on the third line of a chart hanging on the wall. 

The driver license applicant squinted then read out loud:

 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'
'Did you have any problem reading that? asked the DMV agent'? "Not at all, I know the guy - we went to school together.'

Sunday, February 19, 2017

The Mayor's Annual Prostate Exam

After the Mayor's annual Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.

As the Mayor was about to get dressed there was a soft rap on the door and a nurse came in. As the nurse shut the door, she uttered three words the Mayor did not want to hear:

"Who was that man who was just in here with you?"

Monday, December 5, 2016

The Old Man Who Was Speeding On a County Hwy

A County Deputy pulled over an elderly gentleman for speeding. The old guy was doing almost 20 miles over the legal speed limit. The Deputy asked to see the elderly driver's license then went back to his squad car to run a check on the license.  Incredibly this old man who had been driving for nearly 47 years never once been given a traffic citation.

Upon returning to the old man’s vehicle the Deputy said "I don’t want to spoil your driving record Sir so if you can give me any possible excuse why it was necessary for you to be driving 20 miles over the speed limit I will let you go with a warning".

Without batting an eye the old man looked at the Deputy and said "25 years ago my wife ran off with a Deputy from this County and when I saw you driving behind me I thought you were him trying to bring her back".

After laughing hysterically the officer replied. “Slow down old timer and have a nice day”.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Hot Things Hot - Cold Things Cold

A township officer from an extremely rural area drove 75 miles to the 'big city' to do some shopping at a brand new Wal-Mart that had just opened the week before.   The Wal-Mart was the largest store the township officer had ever seen.

Why walking up and down the many aisles he noticed a long cylindrical shiny object behind one counters where a clerk was working.  He walked over to the employee behind the counter and asked "Miss What's that shiny object behind you on that ledge." Oh this, she replied, "That's my thermos."

"A thermos"? replied the township officer "What does it do?" The employee replied, "It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold."

Boy o boy, the township officer thought; that was just about the most incredible thing he had ever heard of. What a wonderful device. The employee said we sell them here at the store they are down in aisle 5. The township officer immediately went down to aisle 5 picked it up and bought it.

The following week the township officer brought his new thermos with him to the township meeting. When the other township officers saw that shiny object they asked him "What is that thing?"

"Why that's a thermos" said the proud township officer.  "What does a thermos do" asked one of the township officers?  "Well it keep my hot foods hot and cold foods cold".

"Really they all said - what do you have in it now" they all wanted to know. "Well, right now I have a Popsicle and my coffee in it."

Friday, September 2, 2016

Great Answer to a TV Reporters Questions - This is a great lesson for all government officials.

General 'Sir Peter John Cosgrove', AK, MC (born 28 July 1947) is a retired senior Australian Army officer and currently the 26th the Governor-General of Australia

He was made a Knight of the Order of Australia.  
General Cosgrove was recently interviewed on TV by Leigh Sales a reporter from the ABC.

If you are a local government official do yourself a favor and take a moment and read his reply to the reporter question when she asked him about guns and children. My thought is this is probably one of the best replies given to a reporter.

Below is the portion of the interview between ABC journalist Leigh Sales and General Cosgrove - who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

LEIGH SALES  (The reporter):

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?


We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?


I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.


Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?


I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.


But aren't you equipping them to become violent killers.


Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Neighbor Used The City Council Members Wife and Now Has Remorse.

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor who just happens to be a city council member. The text he sends reads:

"Bob, I'm sorry.  For the last six months I have been riddled with guilt and I want to confess to you. There is no easy way to say this but the truth is I have been helping myself to your wife when you were not at home.

When you would leave for city county meetings or go out to conduct city business and I saw you weren’t home I took those opportunities to hop on and use your wife.  Bob, I know there’s no excuse for my behavior but I stopped getting it at home and I wanted it bad. I can't live with this guilt any longer and hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. I promise it won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob went to the closet and grabbed his gun. He walked straight into the bedroom where his wife was reading a book and without a word shot her two times.

Moments later Bob, the city council member, received another text from his neighbor which read: Really should have used spell check Bob! That last text I sent should have read “I have been using your ‘wifi’ - not your wife”.