Friday, December 20, 2013

The Mayor at The Air Force Base

One day, the mayor of a city that was home to a US Air Force Base was invited to lunch by the base Chaplin. Upon arriving at the Chaplin’s office the Chaplin suggested they have lunch at the Officer's Club. Fine idea said the mayor.  I always enjoying eating there; it’s a wonderful facility.

When they entered the "O" Club, the dining area was packed; however the Chaplin noticed three young lieutenants sitting at a table that had two empty chairs. He suggested they join the lieutenants.  The mayor said, "That's fine with me; I always enjoy talking to young officers."

The Chaplin asked the lieutenants if they could join them and after they sat down, they listened in on the lieutenants'  conversation. At one point, the mayor mentioned that he had lived his whole life in this town and had seen many Air Force officers come and go.  He had learned to observe the characteristics of officers and was fairly good at determining the source of their officers' commissions.

The young lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked the mayor if he could tell them how they each received their commissions. The mayor turned to the lieutenant on his left and said, "You, Sir, went through ROTC."

The lieutenant confirmed that the mayor was correct and asked how he knew. The mayor replied, "Well, through your conversation you convey a strong academic background but you appear to have limited actual military experience."

The mayor then turned to the lieutenant seated on his right and said, "You, Sir, obviously went through Officers Training School (OTS) and have previous enlisted service."

The lieutenant confirmed this was correct and asked the mayor how he had determined this. The mayor said, "Through your conversation, I could tell you had a firm military background and a lot of practical common sense."

The lieutenant seated across from the mayor asked if he had determined his source of commission. The mayor replied, "Yes indeed, Sir, I have.  You, Sir, are a graduate of the United States Air Force Academy."

The lieutenant smiled proud and stated that the mayor was correct.  He then asked the mayor if he determined that because of his high level of intelligence or his precise military bearing or was it some other superior quality he had acquired while attending the Air Force Academy. The mayor replied that it was actually none of those things. The mayor said, "I simply observed your Academy class ring while you picked your nose."

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Don't Always Listen To Your Constituents

Frequently, constituents will stand up at a public meeting and begin to cite some statistics which they think will bolster their preferred position on the matter being discussed.

It is important that locally elected officials not be swayed by these statistics during a public meeting.  83.6% of the constituents are making them up and the other 34% are just wrong; they are providing inaccurate information.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

This Might Be an Ideal Place for Local Public Officials Who Want to Make a Fresh Start

Friday, August 9, 2013

More Examples of Local Government Paraprosdokians

More examples of Paraprosdokians - those wonderful figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected ,yet many times humorous - which are appropriate for local public officials.  
1. Many locally elected bodies, to be sure they hit the target, shoot first then call whatever they hit the target.

2. The men and women who serve in local government public offices don't really get any smarter while they are in office; they just learn how to act better in public.

3. Serving as a local public officer reinforces the notion that you are never too old to hear something utterly stupid in a public meeting.

Does Serving In Local Government Affect Your Judgment and Decision-Making Ability? your

The wife of a local elected official was concerned because her husband was thinking about running for his fourth term in local government.  She was concerned because she was beginning to believe that his serving so long in local government was beginning to affect his decision-making ability.
While visiting with her family doctor during her annual physical, she explained her concerns to her doctor, asking if a person serves many terms in public office can it affect their judgment and decision-making ability?  Her doctor explained it very well could; however, there was a simple test she could perform at home to actually see if her husband’s judgment and decision-making process was affected by serving so many terms in local government.
He said, “Tonight when you go home fill your bathtub half-way with water.  On the edge of the tub place a teaspoon, a coffee cup, and a two-gallon plastic bucket.  When your husband comes home, ask him to empty the tub the fastest way he can."

The wife said, “Oh, I understand – If he chooses the bucket because it would be the fastest way to empty the tub – faster than the spoon or the teacup - then there is no problem with him running for a fourth term in public office.”  

"No,” replied her Doctor.  If he pulls the drain plug and asks what do you want me to do now dear, then serving in public office has not affected his judgment."

Monday, August 5, 2013

City Council Member Keeps Losing Temper

The wife of a City Council member goes to the doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The doctor asks, "What's the problem?"

The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home from a city council meeting or a meeting of a committee he serves on, he seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The doctor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says, "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home from a city council meeting and started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The doctor says, "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut when he arrives home after a city council meeting that does the trick."

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Mayor Avoids Catastrophic Injury Due To Quick Thinking And Actions of A Township Officer

A local mayor was reported to have narrowly escaped injuries this week as the result of a quick-thinking township officer. We were informed that the mayor was attempting to mount a horse - a small golden palomino - even though he had never ridden a horse before.   

Bystanders at the scene confirmed that as the mayor was positioning himself in the saddle, the small palomino bolted and took off in a full gallop. Startled by the horse's unexpected actions the mayor lost control of the reins and began to slide out of the saddle. To stop his sliding, the mayor attempted to grab the horse’s mane but no matter how hard he tried, the mayor could not maintain a firm grip. 

Frantic that he would fall under the horse’s galloping hoofs, the mayor threw his arms around the horse’s neck and held on tight but even then he continued to slide off the saddle. The horse meanwhile was totally oblivious to the mayor’s plight and continued to run at full speed.  

Realizing it was just a matter of time before he would fall off the horse and perhaps land under the horses legs, the mayor decided to leap from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot was now entangled in one of the stirrups making it impossible to jump.

Just moments before falling completely off the horse, a local township officer from a nearby community who was entering Wal-Mart at that time saw the mayor’s plight and quickly ran over to his aid. She unplugged the cord and assisted the mayor in getting down from the horse and then checked him for any injuries. Though the mayor was considerably shaken up by this horseback riding ordeal, he appeared unhurt so the township officer left and entered Wal-Mart to continue on with her shopping.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Local Government Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of the sentence or phrase is generally an unexpected surprise.  Often times paraprosdokians come across humorous. 

Here are some great parapsdokians which would apply to local government.  I hope you find them of interest.  If you think they are true - let me know. 

1. When Commissioner Jones was first elected to the county board, he was often indecisive; now that he is in his third term in office, he’s just not sure.

2. The last thing we want to do is raise your property taxes...but we still have that option on our list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, Council Member Smith appears very bright until you hear him speak.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Though This Is Not Humor Related - It Sure Did Make Me Smile.

Your blog post "How Local Government Decisions Are Really Made" was just featured on GovLoop  - Knowledge Network for Government....because it was awesome.

Keep up the awesome
- Steve

To see your blog post featured, visit:

Monday, July 8, 2013

The Irate Taxpayer and The City Council Member

An irate taxpayer walked into a bar following a city council meeting. He had attended the city council meeting to ask the council for a zoning variance to build a wooden deck on his new house. The city council disapproved his variance.

He is about to order his drink when he sees the city council member who made the motion not to approve his variance walk into the bar. The taxpayer shouts over to the bartender so loud everyone can hear, especially the city council member and yells, "Drinks for everyone bartender, accept that damn city council member at the end of the bar. "

Soon after everyone's drink was served, the city council member gives the guy a big wave, smiles and says, "Thank you!" which infuriates the taxpayer even more.

A few minutes pass and once again the taxpayer shouts out "Drinks for everyone bartender, except for the damn city council member.

As before, this does not seem to bother the city council member. He again smiles and yells, "Thank you!"

The taxpayer once again loudly shouts, "Drinks for everyone except the city council member." 

As before, the city council member city smiles and again yells, "Thank you!"

The taxpayer calls the bartender over and asks, "What the hell is the matter with that  city council member? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar accept him, and all that idiot does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts or what?"

"No," replies the bartender. "He owns the place".

The Best Local Government Joke I Ever Heard

A County Board member, a City Council person and a township officer were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

The Truck Driver and The County Deputy

A truck driver was driving along a rural county highway in the middle of nowhere on his way to make a special delivery.   All of a sudden out of nowhere he notices a sign that reads: Low Bridge Ahead.

Before he knew it, the bridge was in front of him and his truck got wedged under it. The few cars that are on this rural county highway are now backing.

A sheriff's deputy quickly arrives on the scene.  The deputy gets out of his car and walks over to the truck driver who is standing beside his truck.   The deputy puts his hands on his hips and smartly says, '"Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver, not in a mood for any law enforcement sarcasm says, "No, Officer, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."

Monday, June 17, 2013

The Results of Federal Government Actions - not a typical post on this blog

For those of you who are regular readers of this blog, you know my "humor" is always aimed at units of local government - because that is where I spent a career.  

However, over the weekend a friend of mine sent me this thought which made me smile and I just felt compelled to share it with you.  For those of us who have had the privilege to serve in any unit of local government, we know first-hand the impact of federal government actions.

If you agree or disagree with the statement below, please share you thoughts. 



Friday, June 14, 2013

Why Teachers Get Frustrated

A third grade math teacher saw that little Larry wasn't paying attention in class one day.  She was going over the importance of integers and it was important she got his attention.

To get his attention, she called on Larry and in a stern voice and said, "Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"  Without missing a beat, Larry looked up from his desk and replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Local Volunteers

During the American Revolutionary War, General George Washington had to recruit a group of local volunteers to cross the Delaware river and help fight the British.  Thirty-three men volunteered in all; however, each had little training in warfare.

It was late at night, pitch black, and a storm was brewing  causing the river water to toss the boats about something fierce.  To ensure all the boats carrying the volunteers would stay together during the river crossing, General Washington asked Corporal John Peters to stand on the bow of the lead boat and swing a lantern back and forth high in the air.  General Washington thought the swinging lantern would give all the other boats a clear direction to follow. 

Ever so slowly, General Washington and his group of local volunteers started to cross the raging Delaware River.  Unfortunately, just before they reached the other side, a large swell hit against the side of the lead boat and Corporal Peters fell off the bow into the icy Delaware River.  All the boats gathered around and began a search but, alas, there was no sight of Corporal Peters and General Washington was forced to call off the search and head for shore.

When all the boats full of local volunteers made it safely to the other side, one of the men noticed a light flickering in the distance.  From what they could tell, it appeared to be a farmhouse of some type.  Needing to get his men shelter and out of the storm, General Washington marched everyone up to the farmhouse.  Once at the farm, General Washington knocked on the door.  A farmer, his wife and their three beautiful daughters greeted him and then they saw the large gaggle of men in their yard. 
General Washington asked the farmer if he and his men could come inside to warm up and rest; he insisted his men needed to get out of the storm.  The farmer looked at his wife and then his three daughters, all beaming large smiles.  Reluctantly, the farmer asked General Washington, "How many men do you have in your party?"
Washington responded, "Thirty-two without Peters."
"Well, heck yeah, General.  You can bring your men in, warm up, and make yourself at home."

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Is It or Isn't It?

The County Board Chair had just returned from a six-week vacation to Florida and there was a County Board meeting scheduled at 4PM.   Being the conscientious person he was, he arrived at the courthouse early, around 2PM.   He wanted to walk around the building to make sure all was okay and also to touch base with a few key people to find out if anything significant happened while he was away.

His first stop was the Zoning Department where he met with the Zoning Director.   Immediately the Zoning Director asked, “Have you met Nookie Green our new Public Health Nurse?" 
"No, why?" asked the County Board Chair.   "She is definitely a knockout; wait till you meet her."

After leaving the Zoning Department, the County Board Chair walked down to the Veteran's Service Office and met with the VA coordinator.  The first thing the VA Coordinator asked was, “Have you met Nookie Green yet?” 
No," said the Board Chair, "Why?" 
"She is absolutely gorgeous the VA Coordinator replied.
Finally, the Board Chair went to the Treasurer's Officer to speak with the County Treasurer.   The Treasurer immediately asked, "Have you met Nookie Green yet?" 
"No," he replied.
"Well, wait till you do – she will blow you away ... she is just so stunning it is unbelievable."

Well, it was getting close to 4PM so the County Board Chair made his way to the board room.   As he took his seat and began to lay out his board meeting documents, he could not help but notice a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman enter the board room.  Immediately the eyes of every man in the board room focused on her as she slowly sashayed to a seat up in the front row.

She was wearing an attractive, form-fitting, short, bright green dress with matching, shiny (patent leather) emerald-green shoes.   When she sat down, she sat with her legs slightly parted and it appeared to the County Board Chair that she wasn't wearing any under garments.

Flabbergasted, the County Board Chair turned slowly to the  Board colleague on his right and whispered, "Look at that redheaded woman in the front row -  is that Nookie Green?" 
Appearing shocked by the question, his  colleague looked up at the woman for a few seconds then calmly turned to the Board Chair and whispered ..."No, I think that's just a reflection from her shoes."

Monday, May 6, 2013

Why Some States Have A Fiscal Crisis

A mayor from a large urban community took his family on a week’s vacation to a rustic cabin in a rural part of the state. On the second morning, the mayor decided to go for a jog with the family dog along a scenic nature trail.  While jogging, a coyote ran out of the woods, growled fiercely, then  attacked the mayor's dog. 
The mayor tries to pull the coyote off and is bitten in the hand.  While holding his bleeding hand, he reflects on one of his favorite childhood movies - "Bambi".   The mayor realizes the coyote is only doing what comes naturally.  After a few minutes, the coyote releases its hold on the dog and runs back into the woods.

The mayor carries his wounded dog back to the cabin and  calls 911 to report the incident.  An animal control officer is dispatched and captures the coyote.  The coyote is taken to a local veterinarian clinic and tested for diseases.  No diseases are found and the coyote is relocated to a less populated part of the state.

The mayor, on his own, calls another local veterinarian to examine his dog.  The dog's wounds are cleaned, the dog is given several stitches and pain pills are prescribed.

To insure he is alright, the mayor’s wife insists he go to the local hospital emergency room to get checked for any diseases and have his hand looked at.   The doctor in the ER, has blood drawn, gives the mayor four stitches, then bandages up his wounds.
The County Board - to be safe - decides to close the jogging trail for 90 days and asks the State Fish & Game Department to conduct a survey of the area to make sure the area is free of any other dangerous coyotes.

To prevent future coyote encounters, the County has the Sheriff's Department, in conjunction with the Public Health Office, establish a Coyote Awareness Program (CAP).

PETA hears about the relocation of the coyote to another part of the state and files a federal injunction to prevent any  future relocation of coyotes.  A trial date is currently pending with a federal judge in district court.

Veterinarian bill to test the coyote for rabies - $200. 
Cost to relocate the coyote - $750.
Veterinarian bill for examining the mayor's dog - $150.
Emergency room bill for the mayor - $1,100

Cost for the Fish & Game Department survey - $9,000.
Cost to fund the Coyote Awareness Program - $13,000 

Across the border in another state - a local township officer is out taking his morning jog with his dog.  They are in a rural area on a nature trail.  As luck would have it, a coyote jumps out of the woods and prepares to attack his dog.   The township officer pulls out a small pistol from his fanny pack and shoots the coyote before it can harm his dog.  The township officer and his dog continue their jog.  Crows soon fly in the area and eat the dead coyote. 

The costs?
Estimate $.06 for a .22 hollow point cartridge.

And this my friends helps explain why some states have a fiscal crisis and others don't.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

A Government Service Performed on the Surface of the Moon

Many people can clearly remember July 20, 1969, when Astronaut Neil Armstrong first set foot on the surface of the moon.  The first words he spoke when he stepped down on the lunar surface are etched in the hearts and minds of people all over the world - "That's one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind."

Unfortunately, most people are unaware that 55 minutes later when he prepared to re-board the Lunar Lander - before his last foot left the surface, Neil Armstrong said loudly - "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

The engineers and support technicians at NASA thought that causal remark was something to get the ire of the Soviet cosmonauts.  Never, ever did Neil Armstrong explain or reveal this remark until July 5, 1995.

On this hot Wednesday afternoon during a press conference, a senior reporter who had covered the space program for many years asked Neil point blank about that often forgotten Gorsky comment on the surface of the moon. "What was that about?  Was it really to make a jab at the Russians?"

Neil smiled with that wonderful grin of his and said, "Well, I can probably explain that remark now; Mr. Gorsky passed away a few years back and I don't think he would mind." 

"You see, when I was a kid in a small Midwestern town back around 1938, I was playing baseball with some friends in my backyard.  One of the guys hit the ball hard and it flew over the fence into a neighbor's yard and I ran over to get it."

"As I was walked into their yard, I heard our neighbors - Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky - in a very heated argument.  I had no idea what caused the argument and I did not stay to listen; but I distinctly remember hearing Mrs. Gorsky tell Mr. Gorsky the next time you'll have sex with me is when that little Armstrong kid next door walks on the moon."

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Road Rage

When the light turned yellow, the driver could have sped through the intersection and beaten the red light, but he did the right thing; he stopped and waited at the crosswalk.  The woman driver behind him, who had been tailgating him for the last half mile, was furious and began to honk on her horn.

Repeatedly the woman honked and then rolled down her window and began to yell out a tirade of filthy obscenities at the driver in front of her.  It was obvious she was furious because she missed the opportunity to make it through this intersection.

As she began to scream out another volley of choice cuss words, a young but serious looking police officer approached her vehicle.  The officer ordered her to exit her vehicle and place her hands up over her head.  After cuffing the woman, he put her in the squad car and took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

Almost an hour passed before the Chief of Police personally walked down to her cell, opened the door and then escorted her back to the booking area.  There waiting near the entrance was the young officer who brought her in holding a bag with all the personal effects he had confiscated from her.

The police chief said, "Council Member Smith, this is Officer Johnson.  He is new to our department and I believe he has something he would like to tell you." 

"Council Member Smith, I am very sorry for this terrible mistake and sincerely hope you will forgive me. You see, when I pulled up behind your vehicle and you were blowing your horn, flipping off the driver in front of you, and cussing out your window, I could not help but notice the "What Would Jesus Do?" rear window sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bump sticker, and the chrome-plated "Christian fish" emblem on the trunk of your car as I approached?  I just assumed you had a stolen vehicle.  Will you please forgive me?"

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The Bronze Rat

A local resident was furious; the County Board had raised his property taxes once again.  He called the courthouse and demanded to be put on the next County Board agenda.  He wanted to explain his disgust with his taxes being raised and to ask the County Board to reconsider his new tax assessment.  The County Board voted unanimously to keep his tax assessment at the new rate.

What really made him mad though was that his very own County Board representative, a person whom he supported over many years, voted against his request to lower his tax assessment.  Upon leaving the courthouse, he was furious and headed directly for a filthy little curio shop in a seedy part of town.  He planned to purchase a fitting gift for his County Board representative who voted against him.

While in the little curio shop, he looked at all kinds of exotic merchandise but nothing captured his true feelings of contempt for his County representative.  Then, in the corner of his eye, he noticed a very life-like, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat.  "How much for the bronze rat?  he asked the elderly store clerk.

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely my son,”  said the shop owner.  “It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story that goes with it,” said the old man.  The man opened his wallet and handed the clerk two singles and a ten and said, "I just need this rat; you keep the story."

The man walked proudly out of the store carrying the bronze rat which he was now going to give to his County Board member.  However, as he walked, he noticed a few real rats running out of the alley and following him.  Since this was a little unnerving, he began to walk faster.  A few feet later, he turned around and, to his horror, he saw a large pack of rats crawling out of the sewers and following him.

Fearful for his life, he started to run as fast as he could, but the number of rats kept growing.  There were now nearly 500 rats all squealing and chasing right after him.  As he ran across the downtown city bridge, he threw the bronze rat statue as far as he could off the bridge into the icy cold water and amazingly, all the rats jumped off the bridge after the bronze rat statue. Once the rats hit the icy water, they all drowned.

Relieved he had gotten rid of all those rats, the man walked straight back to the little curio shop.  When he walked in the  owner immediately spoke, "Ahhh, you have come back for story?"

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze statue of any locally elected government official."

Thursday, March 21, 2013

How Fast Is a Local Public Official

Most local public officials, even under ideal conditions, have trouble:

1)  Locating their car keys,

2) Finding a phone number saved on their cell phone,

3) Retrieving a document saved on their home computer,

4) Trying to "pin the tail on the donkey at a colleagues birthday party."

However, every local public official I have ever met has told me they can find and push the snooze button on their alarm clock from 3 feet away, in about 1.4 seconds, with their eyes closed, first time, every time, on the morning of a board or council meeting when a public hearing scheduled.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Bragging Mayor

A young Mayor from a Midwestern city bordering the Great Lakes was appointed to be a representative to a conference in Canada to discuss the ecological concerns with the Great Lakes.  Upon arriving in Toronto for his first time, the Mayor hailed a cab, jumped in the back seat, and asked the driver to take him to his hotel. 

On the way to his hotel, the cab passed a tall building and the young Mayor asked the driver, "What's that building?"
"That's the Royal York Hotel," replied the cabbie.  "The Royal York - wow its pretty big!  How long did it take to build it?" asked the Mayor.
"About 5 years, I believe," replied the cabbie.  
"5 years?  Why in my city we can build a hotel twice as high as that and we can do it in 10 months."

A little while later the cab passed the Metro - Toronto Convention Centre.  "What's that?"  asked the Mayor.
"That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre," replied the cabbie.
"Convention Centre?  How long did it take to build it?" asked the Mayor.
"About three years, I think," replied the cabbie.
"Three years?  Why in my city we could build a convention center three times as long and four times as wide as that and we could do it in about four months."

Shortly thereafter the cab came upon the CN Tower.  "What's that?" asked the Mayor, pointing at the tower.
"Danged if I know," replied the cab driver.  "It wasn't there this morning when I drove by." 

Friday, March 8, 2013

County Officials Held Hostage

A group of extremists burst into the Conference Room of the Hilton Hotel where the National Association of County Association (NaCO) was holding its annual conference.

More than 700 County Supervisors, County Commissioners, Parishes Commissioners, Parish Supervisors, Borough Commissioners and Borough Supervisors from across the Country were in attendance. 

Several local news media outlets arrived on the scene with their news cameras turned on.  Finally, the terrorist leader came out and addressed the media.  He announced that unless all their demands were met, they would release one  County official every hour.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Sheriff's Deputies To the Rescue

An elderly gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden but he was old and the ground was hard.  Every year, his son, James Jr., dug the garden behind the garage but Junior, his only son, was currently serving time in the county jail for a series of alleged burglaries.

Frustrated by his inability to dig his garden, the old man went in the house and wrote his son a letter.

Dear Junior,

Hope you are doing well.  I am sad today; I am not sure if I will be able to plant my tomatoes this year.  I'm old and it's too hard for me to dig the soil behind the garage by myself.

Junior, you were always a good son and dug my plot for me.  I know if you weren't in jail, you would dig it for me just like you always did.  However, since you are not available, I plan to call your cousin, Billy, to see if he can come over next weekend and dig the plot behind the garage for me.
Love,  Papa

A few days later the father received a letter from his son, Jimmy, in the county jail.
Dear Pop,

Please, please, please, whatever you do, don't have Billy dig  any dirt behind the garage; that's where I buried the money and the loot from all the burglaries.  Love, Jimmy

At 4 a.m. the following morning, a dozen sheriff's deputies arrived at the old man’s home.  They had a search warrant and immediately proceeded to the backyard behind the garage.  After digging up the entire area behind the garage for several hours, they found nothing.  As they left, they apologized to the old man.

Later that afternoon the old man received a collect call from  the county jail.  It was Junior who said, " Hope you'll be able to plant your tomatoes now Pop.  That was the best I could do under the circumstances.   Love you!  Jimmy

Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Power Of Newly Elected Officials

Anything in local or municipal government (i.e. County, City, Village, Township, Borough or Parish) is possible when  newly elected  public officials don't know what the heck they are talking about.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Why The Little Boy Wouldn't Go To the Public Meeting

A little boy is riding his bicycle one evening and sees several cars pulling up to City Hall.  He stops, gets off his bike, and watches as the parking lot fills up and people walk in.

He rides over to a man and says, "Mister, what's going on in there?" 
The man responds, "There is a public meeting tonight; would you like to come in?" 
The young boy thinks for a moment and says, "I don't think I should."

"Why not?" says the man, "Any member of the public is invited."
The little boy replies, "Because I don't think my parents are publicans."   

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Saving Money With Local Government Construction Costs Tip # 1

From my experience, there is only one thing many local government officials dislike more than setting an annual budget and that is having to expend funds for new construction projects or rehabilitating older facilities that have worked fine for the last 75 years.

To help you, as a public official, avoid spending large sums of money on new construction, we are going to share tips that were actually used by other local and municipal governments in the past. 

Below is a tip that was used in a city hall to avoid expanding the men's bathroom.

According to the city council members, this tip involved three things.

           1)  Utilizing existing space in the restroom better,

          2)  Minimizing the need to run water lines great distances,

          3)  Making it easy and faster for custodial staff to clean lavatory fixtures.

If you know of any great ways local governments were able to save money on their new construction or remodeling projects, will you please let us know?

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Law of Probability As It Relates to Local Governmet

The Law of Probability:

The probability of a reporter or a citizen with a tape recorder or cell phone camera attending a local government function  is directly proportionate to the stupidity of what a local public official might say or do at that public event. 

Monday, February 11, 2013

The Dreaded Phone Call

The County Board Chair phoned the County Administrator this morning.  He asked, "Is everything okay at the courthouse?"

"Yes," replied the Administrator, "Everything is under control. 
It's been hectic this morning, but I have everything under control."

"Can you do me a personal favor?" asked the County Board Chair?

"Of course," replied the Administrator "What can I do?"

“Pick up the pace a little.  I'm in the foursome behind you and you guys are playing very slow this morning."

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Why Don't Municipal and Local Governments Encourage Formal Exercise Programs for their Public Employees

A recent survey conducted by the Insurance Council of North American noted that very few local government public employees participate in any type of formal exercise programs.

When asked why this was, a well known city council member was informed that there are five primary reasons why local government employees do not participate in any formal exercise program. 

From the interviews conducted by the Insurance Council, it seems like most local public employees seem to get enough exercise each day:

      Jumping to conclusions,
      Flying off the handle,
      Running down their elected officials ,
      Dodging their assigned responsibilities, and
      Pushing their luck to the limit.