Thursday, December 20, 2012

Three Most Dangerous Things a Local Public Official Can Say While in Office

Below are the three most dangerous things a local public official can say while serving a term in office:

1.   Based on my experience ...

2.   I was just thinking.

3.   Trust me, everyone will be happy.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Perfect Exercise for County / City / Township & Village Administrators and Managers

Many city, county, village, and township administrators/managers just don't have enough hours in a day and many skip exercising on a regular basis.  However, doctors tell us one of the best things we can do to keep our minds sharp is to maintain a healthy body.

I recently learned of an exercise routine developed years ago for municipal managers and I am convinced that it provides positive results.  This exercise is simple, very effective, and easy to fit into your hectic schedule.  By following this daily exercise regiment, you can achieve positive results in no time which will allow you to provide better leadership for your local unit of government.

Begin by finding a quiet room with a level floor where you have plenty of room on each side.  (I recommend a board room or city council chambers when it was not in session.)  Now, with a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides.  Try to hold the potato bags as long as you can; your goal is to reach a full minute; then relax.

Over a period of 2 or 3 weeks, you will find that you can hold this position a little longer each day.  After  several weeks, as your confidence builds, move up to 10-lb potato bags.  Again it might be difficult at first, but after several days of working with the 10-bag, you will find that you will be able to hold the bag for one minute.  When you feel ready, move up to a 50-lb bag.

Because you will find this exercise so easy, you will eventually be able to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold them in your arms for a full five minutes.  (This is the level that I am at.)

After you have successfully proved to yourself that you can hold the 100-lb potato bags for at least five minutes, go ahead and put a potato in each bag and begin the process all over again with the 5-lb bags.

Monday, November 26, 2012

The Township Officer Fortune

John, a single township officer, lived at home with his aging father and worked in the family's lucrative construction business.

One day his father turned gravely ill and John was informed by the family lawyer that John would inherit the family  fortune should his father pass.  Realizing he wasn't getting any younger and that he was not prepared to manage the family business as well as serve on the township board, John decided it was time for him to find a wife with whom he could share his life and start a family.

Not knowing how to get started with finding a wife, John joined a local singles dating club.  While at his first meeting, he met a stunning woman who took his breath away.  From the conversation they had, it seemed she had all the attributes John wanted in a wife. 
As the evening came to a close, John said, "I may look like an ordinary guy but I assure you I am a well established township officer with a great job.  My father, who is currently ailing, is expected to die in a few weeks and I have been informed that I alone stand to inherit the family fortune conservatively estimated to be worth approximately $22 million."  Impressed, the attractive woman asked for one of John's business cards.

Three days later, she stopped by the township hall.  John spotted her and asked the Township Chair if they could take a quick recess.  John ran over to her and asked what she was doing at the meeting.  She said, "I just stopped in to inform you that as of this morning, I am your new stepmother."

Thursday, November 15, 2012

How I Wound Up Working For Local Government

It was local government day and several students from the local high school civics class took a field trip to City Hall.  While at City Hall they were given a tour of many of the City Offices, they met with several members of the City Council and finally they had a brief meeting with the Mayor.

While meeting with the Mayor one of the students asked the Mayor how he wound up in local government.  The Mayor took a deep breath then said "Well when I was young I dreamt of going to medical school and becoming a Doctor.  I wanted to help people in need, unfortunately I did not pass the entrance exam. I remember that day so well."

My father had driven me to the University and all of us incoming students who wanted to enroll in the Medical program were brought into a large lecture hall. There were about 50 of us wanna be Doctors and we were all administered a one question test.

There were five letters on a piece of paper:  P N E S I.

We were told to rearrange these five letters to spell a part of the human body that is really not useful until it is totally erect.

Well, those students who spelt SPINE were admitted into the medical college and all as far as I know went on to become great Doctors. The rest of us had to choose different career paths and that's how I wound up going into local government and becoming Mayor.


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Where Is The School Teachers Passport?

After retiring from a 32-year career as a high school math teacher, Mr. White arrived in Paris.  He was part of a group of retired teachers taking a tour of northern Europe.  When he arrived at the customs check-in counter, the French customs official asked to see his passport.

Frantically Mr. White searched his coat pockets to try and locate his passport.  After several minutes of waiting, the French official sarcastically asked, "You have been to France before, Monsieur?"  
"Yes I have," replied Mr. White. 

"Well then," the customs agent said rudely.  "As a school teacher and former traveler to France, you should know you must have your passport ready upon entering our country."
Mr. White said, "I truly am sorry.  It's taking so long to find my passport but the last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." 
"Impossible." replied the custom's official.  "Americans are always required to show their passports upon arrival in  France!" 

Mr. White stopped searching, looked the customs agent straight in the in the eye and said, "Sir, the last time I visited France was in 1944.  I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day to help liberate your country.  On that particular day, there were no French officials anywhere on the beach to look at my passport.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Status of The County Hospital Patient

One day an elderly lady telephoned County Hospital. She timidly asked the receptionist if she could possibly speak to someone who could tell her how a patient in County Hospital was doing. 
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help.  What's the name and room number of the patient?" 
In her frail and tremulous voice she said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you with the nursing station on the third floor."   Within seconds, a nurse came on the phone and said, "County Hospital Third FloorI understand you are inquiring about Norma Findlay in room 302.  Well we have good news for you.  I spoke with her doctor when I came on shift tonight and just reviewed her file and I can tell you that Norma is doing very well.  Her blood pressure is fine and her blood work came back this afternoon and it was normal.  Her physician, Dr. Cohen, has her scheduled to be discharged tomorrow morning after he makes his rounds."

The old lady said, "Thank you; that's wonderful.  I was so worried about her.  God bless you for giving me such great  news." 
The nurse replied, "You're welcome Ma'am.  Are you  a relative of Norma?"  
"No dear," said the woman, "I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302 and no one tells me a damn thing in this County Hospital."

Thursday, October 11, 2012

High School Prank - Ruined the Shool Board's Public Hearing

There's an old saying that says boys will be boys and you we should never underestimate the ingenuity of teenage boys.  With that said -

On the night when the school board scheduled a public hearing to approve the new school year budget, several boys decided to have some fun.   They went to the school and let three goats loose inside the school not far from the auditorium where the budget public hearing was taking place.

However, before the boys turned the goats loose, they painted big red numbers on the side of each goat. The numbers they painted on the three goats were: 1, 2 and 4.

Hearing the loud commotion the goats were making in the hallway, the school board members, the school administrator, members of the staff and faculty, as well as many community residents who came to the budget hearing spent the rest of the night looking for goat No. 3.

Unfortunately, the public hearing on the school board meeting had to be rescheduled.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Township Officer's Wife

A well respected and admired county supervisor was married to a woman who constantly nagged him.  From morning till night she found fault with everything he did.  The only relief he ever got from his nagging wife was when he went to county board meetings or to attend one of the various committee meetings he volunteered to serve on.

One day, he invited a fellow county supervisor out to his farm to look at a new horse he recently bought.  Immediately his wife walked out to the barn where the two men were standing and began haranguing him about some trivial matter.  On and on she went, embarrassing him in front of his county colleague.
All of a sudden without provocation, the horse reared up and with both hind legs kicked her smack in the middle of her head.  She died instantly on the spot.

Several days later, a funeral service was held.  The minister, who was standing across the room, noticed something rather odd.  It seemed whenever a female mourner approached the county supervisor to share a few words in private the county supervisor would listen intently then nod his head up and down as if in total agreement.  However, whenever a male mourner approached the county supervisor to share some words in private, the county supervisor would shake his head from side to side signifying his total disagreement.

This odd behavior was consistent and went on throughout the entire service.  Towards the end of the service when most people had left and the county supervisor was alone, the minister walked over and asked, "I could not help but notice many women came to speak with you and every time they did you always nodded your head in agreement; however, whenever a man approached you, I noticed you'd shake your head as if you were violently disagreeing."

The county supervisor replied, "Oh, that’s easy Reverend, most of the women came up to say how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so out of politeness, I'd nod in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the Minister asked.
"Oh, all they wanted to know if I would sell them my horse."

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Can I Have a Calf?

A farmer out in his field noticed a cloud of dust coming down the road.  It was created by a brand-new pickup racing down the gravel road.   The truck finally stopped along the fence line and the driver, wearing a nice polo shirt and a pair of fancy sunglasses, leaned out the window and asked, "Do you own this farm Mister?" 
Sure do replied the farmer.  "Well, if I tell you exactly how many cows you have in your herd, can I have a calf?"

The farmer stunned by such a question thought for a moment then answered, "Sure!" The driver immediately opened his laptop computer and tethered it to his 4G cellular phone.  He surfed the web, found NASA’s home page, then clicked on the NASA's GPS satellite tracking section.  He looked at the Garmin GPS device mounted on the center of his dash  then fed his exact coordinates into the NASA's satellite tracking system.  NASA's satellite immediately scanned the area with its high-resolution photo lens camera.

When the scan was complete, the driver clicked open his Adobe Photoshop application and exported the digital images NASA sent to a real-time data processing facility in Germany. Within seconds, he received a text on his I-phone informing him his images had been processed and his data request was available. 

The driver took out his Blackberry and accessed an MS-SQL server through an ODBC connection which allowed him to retrieve high definition full-color photos and print them on his portable HP Laser Jet full color printer. 

In the lower right-hand corner of the pictures was a summary of the total number of animals that were in each scan.  The driver looked over at the farmer and said, "Sir, you have exactly 1,586 cows."
"Why that's right." replied the farmer.  "I guess I owe you a calf.  Go ahead out there and help yourself."  The farmer watched as the young man selected his animal and then smiled with amusement as the young man struggled to lift the animal into the bed of his pickup.

As the driver was about to open the door to the cab and hop in, the farmer spoke, "Son, if I can tell you exactly what line of work you are in, will you give me back my calf?"
The driver thought for a moment then said “Sure”.

"Well, you work for the County either in the Zoning Department or Assessor's Office." 
"Wow!  That's amazing!  You are right," said the man.  "How did you know?" 

"Wasn’t hard.  "You showed up on my property unannounced and began asking questions.  You then wanted to give me an answer to a question I never asked and then you wanted a reward for telling me something I already knew.  You were obviously using thousands of dollars worth of equipment that only the taxpayers could afford and you know absolutely nothing about cows.  I raise sheep on my ranch, not cows ... now give me back my dog."

Thursday, August 16, 2012

A Brief History of Municipal and Local Government Navies

Most people are unaware that local and municipal governments once had their own navies. 

During the settling of the original thirteen colonies, pirate ships often sailed into the harbors of coastal American cities. Once in the ports, the pirates would pillage and plunder from the struggling colonists.   To prevent these marauding pirates from destroying their communities and stealing their goods, many local and municipal government officials decided to pass resolutions to hire privateers who would act as their private navies and guard and protect their city harbors. 

Late one night, the Captain of one of these charted municipal naval vessels was awakened by his first mate who yelled, "Captain, there’s a Spanish galleon rapidly approaching." The captain jumped out of bed and raced to the deck.  Once on deck, he scanned the sea with his telescope.  Sure enough, there was a Spanish galleon with her guns readied  and heading into port.

"Quick!" shouted the Captain to his new first mate.  "Run down to my quarters and bring me my red silk shirt."
"Captain!" cried the new first mate.  "Now is not the time to worry about how you look."
Again the Captain barked - "Go down to my quarters, you fool, and get me my red silk shirt – now don't argue with me."  Reluctantly, the first mate ran downstairs and returned with the Captain’s red silk shirt.  The Captain removed his white blouse and put on his red silk shirt.

Within minutes, a battled ensued with the Spanish ship. Bullets and cannon balls flew everywhere and shrapnel filled the air.  After several precarious minutes, the Spanish galleon broke off its attack, turned its sails and sailed out of the harbor.   The crew of the privateer vessel turned toward their Captain and let out a mighty cheer.  
After the jubilation had subsided, the first mate approached the Captain and apologized for his hesitancy in following his order.   He did however, ask, "Captain, why was it so important for you to be wearing your red silk shirt during the battle?"

The Captain replied, "Son, I am the leader of this municipal naval vessel and its crew.  The taxpayers of this community pay us good money to guard their harbors.  Had I have been hit by a stray bullet or struck by a piece of  shrapnel during the battle, blood may have seeped out on my white shirt.  If the crew had seen me bleeding, they may have lost their courage and will to fight.  They may have given up and we could have easily lost this battle.  However, if I were hit and started bleeding while wearing my red silk shirt, the men would have never known I was hit.  They would have continued to fight with valor until their death." 
"Wow," said the first mate, "I never thought of that.   I promise I will never question your orders again."

A few days later, the first mate again ran to the Captain’s quarters and announced, "Captain, there is a French frigate headed towards the harbor.   She’s is a big one, the biggest frigate I have ever seen.   I think she aims to enter the port." The Captain ran to the deck and clearly saw the silhouette of the frigate on the horizon.   It was indeed a big one, the biggest one the Captain had ever seen in his entire naval career. All of her 16 guns were loaded and fully manned.  She was sailing straight for the harbor. 
"Captain, what should we do?" asked the first mate. 
"Quick, run downstairs to my quarters and bring me back my dark brown pants," was his reply.

Monday, August 6, 2012

The Secret of Rye Bread

A 77-year-old widower was elected to the county board, making him the oldest member on the board.  Despite his age, he quickly garnered a reputation as someone who was sharp-witted, reliable and extremely physically fit. 

The second oldest board member, age 74, who was also a widower was intrigued by his new colleague.  Not only was he impressed by his sharp wit and great  physical condition; he kept hearing rumors that his new colleague was a lady's man.  It was said he often had two dates in one night and three on the weekends which always ended up with intimate relations.

After an early morning board meeting, the 74-year-old approached the 77-year-old and asked him point blank if the rumors that were circulating were true.  The new board member assured him they were.  "Well what the heck is your secret to allow you to keep your stamina with all those ladies?" 
"Rye bread," he replied.  "I eat lots of rye bread."

Now he was puzzled.  He had never heard about any special powers that rye bread offered, yet he decided he would begin eating rye bread.  On his way home from the courthouse, he stopped at a local bakery.  The lady behind the counter greeted him with a big smile and said, "What can I get you?
"Do you have any rye bread?" he asked. 
"We have five loaves left today," she replied. 
"Great, I'll take all of them," stated the commissioner. 

As she began to place each loaf in a brown paper bread bag, she asked, "Are you having a party or something?" 
"No, the loaves are just for me.  I am going to start a new diet today just to see how it goes."
"Well," she said.   If you are the only one who will be eating this rye bread I can assure you it will probably get hard before the third loaf is gone."

The county commissioner lost his composure - "What!  You know about the secret powers of rye bread too?  How come everybody in this town knows about the secret of rye bread and I never once heard about it in my entire life?"

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Borough Manager's Painful Operation

A local hospital submitted a request to its local borough planning commission for a permit to expand its existing facility.  Strongly opposed by the borough manager, the hospital's permit request was denied.  Tension between the borough government and hospital staff was now at an all time high. 

A few weeks passed and, as luck would have it, the borough manager's appendix ruptured and he was rushed to the  hospital's emergency room and taken in for emergency surgery.  Following his surgery, the doctors and nurses who operated on him met with him in the recovery room to assure him the operation was a success and all went well. 

After being taken up to his room, he began to feel a terrible pain in his lower abdomen region.  It was an odd sensation as if something were pulling tightly on his skin and stomach hairs.

The pain seemed to grow more intense as time went on and he began to worry that perhaps his surgery went worse then he was told.  He just had to see what was causing the pain and making him feel so uncomfortable.  Mastering the courage, he lifted the bed sheet and pulled up his hospital gown to look down where they operated. 
There across his lower abdomen were four wide strips of surgical adhesive tape - the broad thick kind that doesn't come off easily.  Written on the strips of tape with a large red magic marker was:  Get well soon from all your friends at the hospitalEvery doctor and nurse, as well as most of the staff including those who worked in the cafeteria and in the maintenance department, had signed the tape. 

Monday, July 9, 2012

Today Would Have Been The Day

A city council member's wife awakes during the night at 1:30 a.m. to find her husband is not in bed.  She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.  She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.  He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall and she watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear? Are you worried about the public hearing tomorrow?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
He looks up from his coffee and says, "No dear.   Don’t you remember?  It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met".  She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

He continues, "We started dating 20 years ago today.  I was 18 and you were only 16," he says solemnly. 
Once again, his wife is touched and comes to tears. "Yes, I do," she replies.  The city  council member pauses; the words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" 
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, slowly lowering herself into the chair beside him. 
He continued. "Do you remember when he shoved his shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I was just thinking I would have been released today."

Friday, May 11, 2012

Guide to Properly Assigning Newly Hired Local Government Employees

Correctly assigning new employees to positions they can excel in is critical for most organizations.  Legend has it, years ago local governments had a unique system they relied on to assign newly hired personnel. 

Though not used as much today as in the past, the system had some value that your HR departments or personnel selection committees might find interesting.  The system is simple to apply and relatively cost-effective to implement.  Best of all, it  generates outcomes that are easily understood. 

To understand the system, just follow the five steps below:

1.  Place  400 "new" bricks in the center of a large room.

2.  Invite potential new hires into the room.

3.  Once all the potential new hires are in the room, excuse
     yourself, tell them you will return, then walk out.

4.  Leave all the employment candidates alone in the room
     for at least four hours.

5.  When you return, analyze the situation:

*********    If any of the individuals:

     a.  Took the initiative to count the bricks, offer them
          an accounting or bookkeeper type position.

     b.  Counted, then recounted, the bricks, offer them a job
          in auditing.

     c.  Scattered several of the bricks around the room
         making it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to walk
         around the room, consider them for a position in
         your highway department or public works department.

    d.   Arranged a large sampling of bricks in some strange
         order that no one can understand, consider them for a
         position in your planning department.

    e.   Got frustrated while waiting for your return and threw
          bricks and shouted obscenities, they could be ideal
          candidates for openings in your operations or
          administration centers.

    f.   Are sleeping in a chair in the corner when you return,  
         they might work out extremely well in a law
         enforcement position.

    g.   Have broken a few bricks into smaller pieces and are
         now attempting to put them back together, consider 
         them for positions in either information technology,
         system information, or the budget office.

    h.  Are sitting idle and are not engaged in any visible
         activity you can see, offer them a position in human
         resources or facility maintenance.

    i.  Have taken the initiative to stack several bricks neatly
        into different combinations and are now deep in thought
       contemplating even more ways to stack the bricks
       differently, put them in community development.

    j.  Have left the room and cannot be found anywhere in the
        building, make sure they are placed in either parks and
        rec, land and water conservation, environmental
        services, or forestry.

   k.  Are sitting quietly and staring intently out the windows
       tapping a pen or pencil on their desk, consider them for a
       position in strategic planning.

   l.  Have not touched a single brick but are desperately 
      circulating around the room engaging others in pleasant
      conversations, definitely place them in economic 

  m. Have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way
       as to create a wall barricade which makes it difficult for
       others to see or hear them, you may have found ideal
       candidates to fill top level management positions or
       senior level administration.

Monday, April 30, 2012

The Celibate Village Board Member

Celibacy for many can be a choice one makes or it can be a  condition imposed on someone by the circumstances that surround our lives.

For example, there was a local village board member who attended a weekend marriage retreat with his wife.  As they listened intently, the guest pastor declared, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other in order to have a good marriage.”

The Pastor then looked at the village board member and asked, “Can you name your wife's favorite flower?”  
Without hesitation, the village board member beamed a big smile,  touched her arm, and gently said, “Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And so began the village board member's life of celibacy.

Monday, April 16, 2012

The Courthouse Flag Pole

Two township officers are standing on the lawn of the county courthouse near the base of the newly erected flag pole. Both are looking up as a school board member walks past them on her way to a meeting in the courthouse.   The school board member notices her two local government colleagues and asks, "What are you guys up to?"
One replies, "We are just wondering how tall this new courthouse flag pole is."

"Perhaps I can help," she replies and she walks back to her car, opens her truck, and returns with a small canvas bag. From the bag she takes out a wrench and asks the two township officers to steady the pole.   With the wrench, she loosens two bolts running through the base of the pole.

As the bolts are loosened, she directs the two township officers to let the pole tilt over slowly.   Once the pole is on its side in a horizontal position, the school board member takes out a tape measure from her tool bag.   She has one township officer hold one end of the tape measure at the base of the pole and she walks to the other end.   As she begins to reel in the tape measure, she announces, "The new pole is twenty nine feet, six inches."
She then asks the two township officers to return the pole to its upright position and she resets the two bolts and fastens them tight.   With the pole stabilized, she bids her colleagues farewell, returns her tool bag to the trunk of her car, and enters the courthouse.

Once she has gone inside the courthouse, one township officer looks at the other and says, "Now that explains why our schools are in so much trouble.  Here we are talking about the height of this new courthouse pole and she gets involved and gives us the length!"

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Reader Feedback Request

We'd like to know if you enjoy our local government humor.

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comment area of any post.


Monday, April 2, 2012

Excuse Me We Can't Hear

After a long and contentious meeting, two village trustees decided to stop in at a local nightspot not far away from the village hall before going home.  Because it was late and a weeknight, only the bartender and two other patrons were in the bar watching a ball game.

As the two village trustees began to relive the events that occurred at the their convoluted board public meeting, their voices began to escalate and their volume rose dramatically.  Finally, one of the other patrons watching the ball game turned toward the two trustees and loudly said, "Excuse me, but we can't hear.
"That's good," said one trustee.  "This is a private conversation."

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Always Use The Right Words

It was the first anniversary of the new county hospital and a community-wide celebration was held to mark this wonderful occasion.  After a terrific meal, the county board chair walked up to the podium and asked if any guests in the audience would like to share how the new county hospital had benefited them or their family.

A lady in the back of the room stood and walked up to the podium.  She said she would like to personally thank the county board for voting to approve the construction of this wonderful hospital and to personally thank all the dedicated doctors, nurses, and staff who work at this great county facility.

She went on to say that a few months after the county hospital was opened, her husband, George, was involved in a terrible automobile accident.  As a result of this accident, his scrotum was completely crushed and almost destroyed.  She said the pain George experienced following the accident was excruciating and the doctors told her they were not really sure if they could even help George.

As she spoke there was an audible gasp from all the men in the audience as they tried to imagine the unbelievable pain poor George experienced with a crushed scrotum.

The wife continued; George was in so much pain from his crushed scrotum that he was unable to hold me.  I am telling you it was so bad he could not lift or hug our grandchildren to tell them good night.  However, the doctors at this great county facility performed an extremely delicate and dangerous operation - seldom performed anywhere in the United States. 

Because of this modern facility and the outstanding county employees who work here, they were able to piece together the remnants of George's crushed scrotum.  They were able to wrap them in wire mesh to hold them in place long enough to properly heal.

Again all the men and several of the women in the audience now sat squirming in their chairs as they tried to imagine the horrible surgery George had to endure here at the county hospital.

The wife went on to say that now that George is out of the hospital, the doctors are confident that, with time, his scrotum will completely recover and he will once again be a whole man.

All the men and every woman now sighed with relief.

As the lady walked off the podium to a large round of applause, the county board chair asked if there was anyone else in the audience who had anything to say about the new hospital.

A man in the back of the room rose and slowly walked up to the podium.  Once at the podium he said, "Hi, I am George - I just want to tell all of you, and especially my wife once again, the word is sternum:  S T E R N U M.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Village President's Annual Physical

Upon arriving for his annual physical, the village president of a small community in a western state was greeted by a newly hired physician.   His regular doctor was unavailable and this young doctor was asked to fill in.   

Not personally knowing the village president, the young doctor took a few minutes to get acquainted.   He asked the village president to describe his typical daily activity level. 
Thinking for a moment, the village president responded,  "That’s a hard question Doc, but if I had to describe a typical day, it would probably go something like this:  wading along the shoreline of a spring fed lake, marching up and down steep hills over and over again, running away from a pack of wild dogs that hide in the thick brush, walking through a patch of poison ivy, crawling out of mud pits that feel like quicksand, and jumping away from poisonous and aggressive rattlesnakes."
"Wow!" said the young doctor.  "I guess you are some big time outdoors man?"
"No," replied the village president.  "I'm just a terrible golfer."

Friday, February 24, 2012

Why Most Local Governments Don’t Have Casual Dress on Fridays

Below is an actual scenario that could have happened in any local government unit.

Memo No. 1 - Week 1.  The  County Board is pleased to announce that it has approved a Casual Dress Day program. Beginning this Friday, all County employees may wear casual attire to work on Fridays.

Memo No. 2 - Week 2.  Because we serve the public, the County Board would like to share some additional guidance regarding our newly established Casual Dress Day program. Many Board members believe athletic T-shirts, sweatpants, spandex shorts, leather micro-miniskirts, and moccasins are inappropriate attire for employees to wear to work on Fridays.

Memo No. 3 - Week 3. The County Board would like to remind everyone that the term "Casual Fridays" refers only to employee dress, not employee work attitudes.

Memo No. 4 - Week 4.  A seminar has been scheduled for all County employees on Wednesday.  This seminar, entitled: How to Dress for Casual Dress Days will be held in the County Board room and be conducted at two different times to accommodate all employees' work schedules.  The first seminar will be at 9 a.m. and the second at 3 p.m.    Attendance at this seminar is mandatory for all employees.

Memo No. 5 - Week 5.  Based on the feedback received from last week's seminars, the County Board has authorized the creation of a 14-member Casual Day Task Force {CDTF} committee to solicit employee suggestions and publish written guidelines for proper dress standards for County Casual Fridays.

Memo No. 6 - Week 7. The Casual Day Task Force committee has completed an easy-to-read, 34-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Standards." This manual is now at the printers and should be distributed next week.  If you do not receive your personal copy by next Thursday, contact your unit's CDTF representative.  Upon receipt of your manual, make a point to read Chapter 9, "You Are What You Wear," and also refer to the appendix 5 titled: "Home Casual versus Business Casual" before leaving for work on Friday.

Memo No. 7 - Week 10. The County Board would like to inform all employees that arrangements have been made with our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) provided to expand this service to provide 24-hour telephone counseling for any employee having difficulty adjusting to our new County Casual Friday Dress program.

Memo No. 8 - Week 12.  Due to recent unforeseen budget constraints, the County Board regrets to inform all County employees that it is no longer able to financially support a Casual Dress Friday program.  Effective immediately, the County Casual Dress Friday program is hereby terminated.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

I'm Fine

John Smith, a farmer from a western state, decided the injuries he received during a vehicle accident earlier in the year were now serious enough to sue the trucking company responsible for the accident.  When his case went to court, the lawyer for the trucking firm began questioning Mr.  Smith.

"Mr. Smith, for the record didn't you state at the scene of the accident that you felt fine and had absolutely no pain?"
''Well yes, but let me explain, I was towing my trailer with my mule Bessie in the t ----"

''I didn't ask you for any details of the accident, Mr. Smith,
'' the lawyer interrupted.  "Just answer my question.  Did you, or did you not, tell the deputy sheriff who reported to the scene of the accident that you were fine?"

''Well yes, but you see as I drove the trailer ----''  
"Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident this farmer told a sheriff's deputy that he was just fine.  Now several months later, he is suing my client, a reputable and upstanding businessman in this community, a firm that not only serves other local businesses but also a firm that provides numerous jobs to our neighbors, friends, and residents of our community.  Your Honor, I believe this man is a fraud and ask you to direct him to answer my question."
The Judge, an acquaintance of Mr. Smith, seemed  interested in what he had to say and overrode the trucking firm's attorney's concerns and instructed Mr. Smith to proceed with his reply.  ''Thank you Judge," said Mr. Smith.

"Well as I was saying, I was towing my trailer with Bessie, my mule, in it.  We were heading to the veterinarian's office when a huge semi-truck ran a stop sign and broad-sided my pickup.  I was thrown into the ditch on one side of the road and old Bessie was thrown clear across the road into the other ditch.

As I laid there on the side of the road, I was hurting real bad; the pain was unbearable and I couldn’t move.  I could hear ol' Bessie moaning across the road and knew she was in terrible shape.  Within minutes, a deputy sheriff arrived at the scene. The deputy heard Bessie's moaning and immediately went over to her.  As he looked at her, he saw the pain she was experiencing .  Without any warning he took out his gun and shot her right there on the road.  He shot her right between the eyes.

After he shot Bessie, the deputy then started walking towards me.  When he got next to me, with his gun still in his hand, he knelt down, looked me straight in the eyes and said, 'Mister, your mule was in bad shape; she was in a lot of pain. I had no choice but to put her out of her misery.  Now tell me old timer how are you feeling?' 

Well your Honor, I was scared; what could I tell him? I had to tell him I was fine."                     

Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Township Officer's Part-time Job

With things going pretty good at the township, a township officer decided to apply for a job as a store greeter at the new Wal-Mart store recently built in the community.   His thought was that a job at Wal-Mart, a high traffic store, would help him get a better feel and understanding of all the things going on in the community and he also believed he and his wife would enjoy the extra dollars he earned from this part-time position.

Surprisingly, he was fired just a few hours after starting on his shift.   When asked by his fellow township officials what happened, he gave the following explanation.

"About two hours into my shift, a very loud, unattractive, and belligerent  woman walked into the store dragging her two children behind her.   She was yelling obscenities at them all the way through the store entrance.  When she neared where I was standing, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning Ma'am and welcome to Wal-Mart.'   I then added, 'Nice children you have there.  Are they twins?'

The woman stopped her yelling just long enough to look me straight in the eyes and say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins.  The oldest one is 9, and the youngest is 7.  Now why in the hell would a man your age think these boys are twins?  Are you blind, or just plain stupid?'

I replied, 'Neither Ma'am -  I just can't believe that someone slept with you twice.'  I then added, 'Have a good day,' and thanked her for shopping at Wal-Mart.

When my supervisor heard about the incident, he came out and took me to the side and said I probably didn't have the right personality for this line of work and fired me."


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Public Safety Update! Horseback Riding Tragedy Averted

It was recently reported that a city council member narrowly escaped serious injury last Friday morning while attempting to ride a horse.   Bystanders say the public official, who had no prior experience riding horses, mounted a horse - a golden Palomino - unassisted.   As he settled in the saddle, the horse unexpectedly bolted and began to gallop at a rapid pace.

Startled, the city council member lost control of the reins. Witnesses say he did try to grab the horse's mane, but was unable to secure a firm grip and he began to slip sideways off the saddle.   Frantic, he threw his arms around the animal's neck; however, he continued to slide downward.  All the while, the galloping Palomino was totally oblivious to its rider's predicament. 

Believing it was just a matter of time before he would fall under the beast, the local official attempted to leap from the horse and throw himself to safety.  Unfortunately, his feet were entangled in the stirrups and he could not leap off the horse. 

Moments before sliding under the horse's feet, a colleague, a township officer from a nearby community, saw the situation unfolding and quickly came to his aid.  After carefully assessing the situation she decided the best thing to do was to unplug the cord. 

With the cord unplugged, the horse quickly came to a quiet rest.  After she determined her colleague was unhurt and out of danger, the township official decided to continue with her errands and entered Wal-Mart to do her shopping.
Unconfirmed reports are now surfacing that the city council member is currently drafting a new city ordinance that will mandate all amusement rides located at area businesses, shopping centers and arcades be monitored and supervised at all times.