Tuesday, April 23, 2013

A Government Service Performed on the Surface of the Moon

Many people can clearly remember July 20, 1969, when Astronaut Neil Armstrong first set foot on the surface of the moon.  The first words he spoke when he stepped down on the lunar surface are etched in the hearts and minds of people all over the world - "That's one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind."

Unfortunately, most people are unaware that 55 minutes later when he prepared to re-board the Lunar Lander - before his last foot left the surface, Neil Armstrong said loudly - "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

The engineers and support technicians at NASA thought that causal remark was something to get the ire of the Soviet cosmonauts.  Never, ever did Neil Armstrong explain or reveal this remark until July 5, 1995.

On this hot Wednesday afternoon during a press conference, a senior reporter who had covered the space program for many years asked Neil point blank about that often forgotten Gorsky comment on the surface of the moon. "What was that about?  Was it really to make a jab at the Russians?"

Neil smiled with that wonderful grin of his and said, "Well, I can probably explain that remark now; Mr. Gorsky passed away a few years back and I don't think he would mind." 

"You see, when I was a kid in a small Midwestern town back around 1938, I was playing baseball with some friends in my backyard.  One of the guys hit the ball hard and it flew over the fence into a neighbor's yard and I ran over to get it."

"As I was walked into their yard, I heard our neighbors - Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky - in a very heated argument.  I had no idea what caused the argument and I did not stay to listen; but I distinctly remember hearing Mrs. Gorsky tell Mr. Gorsky the next time you'll have sex with me is when that little Armstrong kid next door walks on the moon."

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Road Rage

When the light turned yellow, the driver could have sped through the intersection and beaten the red light, but he did the right thing; he stopped and waited at the crosswalk.  The woman driver behind him, who had been tailgating him for the last half mile, was furious and began to honk on her horn.

Repeatedly the woman honked and then rolled down her window and began to yell out a tirade of filthy obscenities at the driver in front of her.  It was obvious she was furious because she missed the opportunity to make it through this intersection.

As she began to scream out another volley of choice cuss words, a young but serious looking police officer approached her vehicle.  The officer ordered her to exit her vehicle and place her hands up over her head.  After cuffing the woman, he put her in the squad car and took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

Almost an hour passed before the Chief of Police personally walked down to her cell, opened the door and then escorted her back to the booking area.  There waiting near the entrance was the young officer who brought her in holding a bag with all the personal effects he had confiscated from her.

The police chief said, "Council Member Smith, this is Officer Johnson.  He is new to our department and I believe he has something he would like to tell you." 

"Council Member Smith, I am very sorry for this terrible mistake and sincerely hope you will forgive me. You see, when I pulled up behind your vehicle and you were blowing your horn, flipping off the driver in front of you, and cussing out your window, I could not help but notice the "What Would Jesus Do?" rear window sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bump sticker, and the chrome-plated "Christian fish" emblem on the trunk of your car as I approached?  I just assumed you had a stolen vehicle.  Will you please forgive me?"

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The Bronze Rat

A local resident was furious; the County Board had raised his property taxes once again.  He called the courthouse and demanded to be put on the next County Board agenda.  He wanted to explain his disgust with his taxes being raised and to ask the County Board to reconsider his new tax assessment.  The County Board voted unanimously to keep his tax assessment at the new rate.

What really made him mad though was that his very own County Board representative, a person whom he supported over many years, voted against his request to lower his tax assessment.  Upon leaving the courthouse, he was furious and headed directly for a filthy little curio shop in a seedy part of town.  He planned to purchase a fitting gift for his County Board representative who voted against him.

While in the little curio shop, he looked at all kinds of exotic merchandise but nothing captured his true feelings of contempt for his County representative.  Then, in the corner of his eye, he noticed a very life-like, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat.  "How much for the bronze rat?  he asked the elderly store clerk.

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely my son,”  said the shop owner.  “It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story that goes with it,” said the old man.  The man opened his wallet and handed the clerk two singles and a ten and said, "I just need this rat; you keep the story."

The man walked proudly out of the store carrying the bronze rat which he was now going to give to his County Board member.  However, as he walked, he noticed a few real rats running out of the alley and following him.  Since this was a little unnerving, he began to walk faster.  A few feet later, he turned around and, to his horror, he saw a large pack of rats crawling out of the sewers and following him.

Fearful for his life, he started to run as fast as he could, but the number of rats kept growing.  There were now nearly 500 rats all squealing and chasing right after him.  As he ran across the downtown city bridge, he threw the bronze rat statue as far as he could off the bridge into the icy cold water and amazingly, all the rats jumped off the bridge after the bronze rat statue. Once the rats hit the icy water, they all drowned.

Relieved he had gotten rid of all those rats, the man walked straight back to the little curio shop.  When he walked in the  owner immediately spoke, "Ahhh, you have come back for story?"

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze statue of any locally elected government official."