Wednesday, November 11, 2015

New Concept In Traffic Sign Design

In an attempt to get young children to read stop at intersections this new traffic sign design has been created. Hopefully children will read it and pay more attention to traffic condition. 




Friday, October 30, 2015

Possible Labor Law Violation

A man owned a large rabbit ranch in the upper mid-west. His State's Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to all his help and it sent an investigator out to interview this rabbit rancher.



The investigator drove up in his big flashy state vehicle and walked up to rancher flashed his badge and said "I am with the State Department of Labor and I need a complete list of your employees and how much you pay them," .


"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my barn manager over there.  He's been with me for 5 years now. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board."

"And over there is my breeding supervisor and feeder. He’s been with me 3 years and I pay him $450 a week plus free room and board. Finally there is cook - she’s over there.  She has been with us almost 11 months and I pay her $325 a week plus free room and board."

"Oh and then there's the half-wit we have here at the ranch. He’s been here since we started the ranch; he’s a hard worker and a jack of all trades. He can do just about anything on the ranch and he works about 18 hours every day - including Saturdays and Sundays.  He seldom takes a day off and I am pretty sure he does about 90% of all the work around here on the ranch. He makes just a little over $70 per week however he pays for his own room and board."

"But, I have to admit I buy a bottle of Jim Beam every Saturday night, and once in a while I let him sleep with my wife."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit. Where is he" asked the investigator?

"You're talking to him," replied the rabbit rancher.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

The Unique Relationship Between Brass Monkeys and Cold Weather



 With winter rapidly approaching across many parts of the U.S., it might be wise for you to know the historical connection between "cold weather" and "brass monkeys". I was stunned when I first heard this.  Since organizational leaders and local government public officials are often expected to know everything and have all the answers, hopefully this story will provide you with some information you can use in the future. 

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons on board. Those cannons fired heavy iron cannonballs. It was necessary for each ship to keep a good supply of cannonballs near each cannon should they be attacked by a hostile vessel.






The problem each ship faced was how to prevent the round cannonballs from rolling around the deck. The solution was to stack the cannonballs in a square-based pyramid with one ball on top which would rest on four which would rest on nine, which would rest on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 29 cannonballs could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.





There was only one problem with this method - how do you prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling about from under the others? The solution was the invention of a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls resting in the indentations would quickly rust with the salt water spray. So to prevent the rusting problem, "Brass Monkeys" were developed.






Brass is not a perfect metal and few people are aware that brass contracts more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the wind temperatures on the ship dropped too far, the indentations in the brass monkeys would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs on the bottom tier would roll right off the monkey.

Therefore whenever the outside temperature fell to around 32 degrees, it was quite literally "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."

Now I am thinking - like most people you probably thought this was an improper expression to use in public.












Hope you enjoyed this brief history lesson.  Remember learning can and should be fun .  That's the reason so many professional associations, business organizations and units of local government invite Gabe Gabrielsen to solve their problems and provide their employees and staffs with great educational programs.  

 

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

"Complete" or "Finished" how should they be used?

Here's is an English lesson for every local public official.

This does not require you to put on your thinking caps.

So get ready for a great English lesson --- regarding "Complete" or "Finished"?

Here goes.  No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished".  However, during a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this, "Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished'.  Please explain the difference in a way that is "easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response, "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete'.  If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished'.  And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished'."

His answer received a five-minute standing ovation.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Let's talk Heaven and Hell - Good insight for Local Public Officials

The following is an actual exam question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. 







This answer by the student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Here is the question.
Bonus Question 

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.

I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives us two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate that was given to me by Anabella during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Anabella kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

For the record this student received an A+!!

Monday, April 27, 2015

Media Coverage of Local Government Events

A Village Trustee and his wife took a short vacation to New York to visit their son and his family. While in New York they took the grandchildren to the Bronx zoo.










While at the zoo a little girl, not too far from them was leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly a lion grabbed the little girl by her jacket collar and tried to pull her inside the cage under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The vacationing village trustee immediately ran over to the scene and hit the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Startled from the pain the lion jumped back and let the little girl go. The trustee picked up the girl and carried her over to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A news reporter who was at the zoo witnessed the entire event and said "Sir, that was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life." 
 
The trustee tried to down play it and said "It was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt any decent human would."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living"?

“Well, I am a local elected government official from Nebraska.” he said.

The journalist left and the following morning the headline on the front page of the Washington Post reads:

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL FROM NEBRASKA LASHES OUT AND ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AT THE BRONX ZOO

... and that my friends pretty much sums up the media's approach towards reporting on local government events these days.



Sunday, April 26, 2015

Local Government Official Martial Problem Resolved

A local township officer was devastated when he found out his wife was having an affair. To come to terms with this whole thing he decided to change his religion. 

He converted to Islam; tomorrow morning his wife will be stoned in front of the mosque.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

The Public School Field Trip - a must read for all local and municipal public officials ... especialy School Board Members

So with the weather turning nice an this inner city elementary school wanted to do some type of field trip for the 4th and 5th grade students. 






One parent suggested a trip to State Capital but that was not considered because it was too far and would be too expensive for the school board. Another parent suggested a trip to the Mall of America but that was thought to be too dangerous for the kids – they might get lost. Someone then suggested a trip to a real live working farm.  Everyone agreed that was a great idea as it would be a wonderful learning experience for every inner city kid.
 
The trip was planned and a few weeks later several buses arrived in front of the school around 9:00 a.m.  The kids loaded up and were taken to a real farm about 35 miles west of the city. The students had the opportunity to spend all day on the farm with the farmer, his wife, his family and all his ranch hands.

The students got to watch the feeding operations, the milking operation, the barn clean-up process and some of the kids even got to help herd the sheep and chickens from one area of the farm to another. The kids really loved their day at the farm.

The next day back at the school a member of the member of the school board showed up at the class. This member was opposed to the field trip concept and wanted to find out first had if the children enjoyed their trip and to determine if it was worth spending the additional taxpayers' dollars on the transportation costs involved to take the children on this field trip.

The school board member asked the class if the field trip was good. Unanimously the kids shouted, "Yeah it was great." 


"Well," asked the school board member, "what was the best part of the trip?" 

One kid said, "The smells – I have never smelt any kind of air like that before in the city." 

Another said, "I liked wide open spaces – I have never seen so much wide open land like that anywhere in the city."

Finally a third student said, "I loved all the different sounds we heard."  

"The sounds?" asked the school board member. 


"Yeah," yelled the kids, "there were all kinds of sounds out on the farm that we never hear in the city."

"Like, what kinds of sounds did you hear?" asked the school board member.

One little boy said, "Moo Moo - it was great hearing that sound all day." 


Another student yelled out, "Oink Oink - that was the best sound I ever heard. I never heard that sound before in my whole entire life." 

Still a third yelled out, "Baa Baa - I never knew sheep could talk." said a little girl.

In the back of the room sat quietly one little boy who was well known throughout the school and by all the school board members for always getting into trouble so the school board member asked, "And Billy, was there a sound that you liked hearing all day yesterday out on the farm?"


"Yes mam," he replied, "there sure was." 

"Well what was it?" 

He said, "It was “the farmer yelling at me all day 'Get down off that F^&@%$# tractor kid!'"

Sunday, April 5, 2015

The Newly Wed City Council Member

A younger member on the City Council decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.






One evening about a week after their honeymoon, he was out in the garage after supper cleaning his golf clubs for his Saturday game. His wife came out and stood by the bench to watch him.
 
After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've been thinking.  Now that we are married I think it's time you quit playing so much golf. Maybe you should sell your clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club."
 
The city council member froze and got a horrified look on his face.
His wife said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
 
He replied, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" 

"I wasn't." he replied.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Attention Local Government Public Officials - Interesting History Regarding The “F” Word

Regardless of their age or religious beliefs, most Americans do not condone the use of the "F" word in public – ever! 








However, a study released by the Smithsonian Institute this past January (2015) indicated a panel of academic scholars did agreed that there were nine times in human history where they thought the use of  the "F" word was appropriate and justified to be used in public.  

Those nine times approved by the Smithsoian were:

9.  566 - Italian artist Michelangelo, while speaking to the Pope said = "You want me to paint a picture across this whole @#$%ing ceiling?”

8.  877 - US Army Calvary General George A. Custer when he turned to his personal aide,  Major Randolph Dwight, and the 7th Army's Lead Bugler, Sgt Sam Johnston, and said, "Where the @#$% are all these Indians coming from?"
                                           
7.  905 - famed magician Harry Houdini while in New York City watching a young new magician perform a magic trick on Broadway turned to his wife, Bess, and the others in his VIP theater box and said, "How the @#$% did he do that?"
                                            
6.  1912 Senior Pastry Chef, Fritz Mullenbacher on the Rms Titanic, yelled from the ship’s galley and said, "Where the @#$% is all this water coming from?" 
                                           
5.  1926 Pablo Picasso a young Spanish painter named defending a portrait of a lady he just recently painted by saying "It does so look like a @#$%ing woman!"

4.  1937 Amelia Earhart (world-renowned female aviator) on a trans-pacific flight, turned to her all male flight crew and said, "Does anyone know where the @#$% we are?"

3.  1945 (June) while sorting a pile of mail at the Japanese Imperial Post Office in Hiroshima City, Japan, postal employee Yoshita Harada yelled to his colleagues after hearing a loud bang outside said "What the @#$% was that?"
                                           
2.  1953 when Albert Einstein, a visiting professor at Princeton University was asked by a young New York Times reporter if Einstein would once again explain his most recent mathematical equation, Einstein turned to the young reporter and said, "What the @#$% are you talking about? Any @#$%ing idiot can understand that!"
                                         
1. 1988 American President Bill Clinton said to a female intern who was working at the White House, "Aw c'mon Baby who the @#$% is going to find out?"
               
It’s interesting to note that the panel of Smithsonian Scholars came close to considering one additional event; however due to on panelist objecting saying it was not appropriate that event was omitted. That particular incident occurred way back in 4314 BC when an ship builder, named Noah, said, "You call this a period of @#$%ing scattered rain showers?"

Sunday, March 1, 2015

A City Council Member Supports Local Economic Development

A city council member who has publicly decided to support local businesses visits a new hardware store that recently opened in town. He had heard from several of his neighbors and friends that this was a very high-tech store; it had all kinds of modern security systems in place and the store’s owners had established a 'zero tolerance' policy regarding shoplifting. They had strict customer rules and even hired their own internal security guards to ensure no one could shoplift.


Upon arriving at the new hardware store, the city council member causally walked down all aisles. He was genuinely impressed as he admired all the unique and various merchandise items the store had stocked on its shelves. He placed several items he thought he could use in his shopping cart. 

After he finished shopping, he proceeded to the check-out counter where he placed all the items he had gathered on the conveyor belt and then reached into his coat pocket to pull out his credit card. Just then a rather large, mean looking, burly man wearing a tight red T-shirt emblazoned with white letters that said Security walked over. The security guard looked directly at the city council member and in a very husky voice said: "Sir strip down, facing me." 

What?” said the city council member? 


I said strip down, facing me.” replied the security guard. Thinking this was all part of the store’s extreme security measures, the city council member did exactly as he was instructed. He stripped down, totally naked then turned to face the security guard.

After all the hysterical laughter in the store subsided the young lady behind the check-out counter said, “Sir, Mike, our security guard, was referring to how you should place your credit card in the card-reader – 'strip down, facing him'.

Rumor now has it the city council member has vowed never to return to that hardware store again.
  

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Japanese Public Official Arguing With His Wife About Sex

The mayor of a fairly good sized Japanese city in southern Japan is arguing with his wife about how they should perform highly erotic sex.




The mayor (husband): "Sukitaki. mojitaka!"

Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowi janakpa!"

The mayor (husband) says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

The mayor (husband) shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"

I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this – you don’t know Japanese.  Some people will read anything as long as it’s about sex and politics. I am beginning to think you need serious help!!!   I worry about you.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Depressing News for All of Us


Monday, January 12, 2015

A Sign of The Times


Friday, January 2, 2015

The County Board Members $5,000 Loan

A well-to-do county board member from West Texas walked into a New York City Chase Manhattan Bank office and asked to meet with a loan officer. 

When greeted by a loan officer, the county official stated he would be in New York City for several days to attend a National Association of Counties (NACo) Convention and asked if he could have a $5000 loan which he promised he would repay in five days.









The loan officer replied, "Since you are not a local resident or one of our regular bank customers, the bank would need some kind of security or collateral for such a loan."  

The county commissioner said he understood and laid down the keys to a six-month-old Lexus which was parked across the street directly in front of the bank.  He then handed the loan officer the title and registration for the Lexus which was listed in his name and showing the county board member owned the vehicle outright.

After conferring with a few senior bank officials, the loan officer smiled and agreed to accept the vehicle as collateral for the loan. Papers were quickly drawn up and a bank employee was sent outside to drive the Lexus into the bank's underground parking garage. 

Once the vehicle was in the bank's possession, a check in the amount of $5,000 was issued to the county official from Texas.  

Five days later, the county board member from Texas returned to the bank and asked to speak with the loan officer. When the loan officer emerged, the county board member opened his wallet pulled out $5000 in cash along with the $15.74 interest that he owed. 


The loan officer thanked the county official for his business and said, "We are very happy to have had your business and are delighted this transaction worked out so nicely".  He then said, "By the wayI ran a background check on you and found out you are a multimillionaire with significant oil holdings throughout the state of Texas."  


"Yes that's true," said the county board member.  "I am glad you were thorough; I like a man who follows up on things." 

"What puzzles me," said the loan officer, "is why would you, with your wealth, bother to come to our bank to borrow just $5000?"

The county commissioner smiled and replied, "Son, where else in New York could I have parked my car in a secure area for five days for just $15.74?"