Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Always Use The Right Words

It was the first anniversary of the new county hospital and a community-wide celebration was held to mark this wonderful occasion.  After a terrific meal, the county board chair walked up to the podium and asked if any guests in the audience would like to share how the new county hospital had benefited them or their family.

A lady in the back of the room stood and walked up to the podium.  She said she would like to personally thank the county board for voting to approve the construction of this wonderful hospital and to personally thank all the dedicated doctors, nurses, and staff who work at this great county facility.

She went on to say that a few months after the county hospital was opened, her husband, George, was involved in a terrible automobile accident.  As a result of this accident, his scrotum was completely crushed and almost destroyed.  She said the pain George experienced following the accident was excruciating and the doctors told her they were not really sure if they could even help George.

As she spoke there was an audible gasp from all the men in the audience as they tried to imagine the unbelievable pain poor George experienced with a crushed scrotum.

The wife continued; George was in so much pain from his crushed scrotum that he was unable to hold me.  I am telling you it was so bad he could not lift or hug our grandchildren to tell them good night.  However, the doctors at this great county facility performed an extremely delicate and dangerous operation - seldom performed anywhere in the United States. 

Because of this modern facility and the outstanding county employees who work here, they were able to piece together the remnants of George's crushed scrotum.  They were able to wrap them in wire mesh to hold them in place long enough to properly heal.

Again all the men and several of the women in the audience now sat squirming in their chairs as they tried to imagine the horrible surgery George had to endure here at the county hospital.

The wife went on to say that now that George is out of the hospital, the doctors are confident that, with time, his scrotum will completely recover and he will once again be a whole man.

All the men and every woman now sighed with relief.

As the lady walked off the podium to a large round of applause, the county board chair asked if there was anyone else in the audience who had anything to say about the new hospital.

A man in the back of the room rose and slowly walked up to the podium.  Once at the podium he said, "Hi, I am George - I just want to tell all of you, and especially my wife once again, the word is sternum:  S T E R N U M.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Village President's Annual Physical

Upon arriving for his annual physical, the village president of a small community in a western state was greeted by a newly hired physician.   His regular doctor was unavailable and this young doctor was asked to fill in.   

Not personally knowing the village president, the young doctor took a few minutes to get acquainted.   He asked the village president to describe his typical daily activity level. 
Thinking for a moment, the village president responded,  "That’s a hard question Doc, but if I had to describe a typical day, it would probably go something like this:  wading along the shoreline of a spring fed lake, marching up and down steep hills over and over again, running away from a pack of wild dogs that hide in the thick brush, walking through a patch of poison ivy, crawling out of mud pits that feel like quicksand, and jumping away from poisonous and aggressive rattlesnakes."
"Wow!" said the young doctor.  "I guess you are some big time outdoors man?"
"No," replied the village president.  "I'm just a terrible golfer."