Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Odor In The Jail

The newly elected County Board Chairperson wanted to personally welcome the newly elected Sheriff. While at the Sheriff’s office he asked the Sheriff if he could have a brief tour of the Jail so he could gain firsthand knowledge of some of the issues affecting the jail. No problem said the Sheriff and he escorted the Board Chair through all areas in the Jail.

As they entered the area known as general population - the area which houses the majority of inmates a vile odor was immediately noticeable. At the ended of the tour County Board Chair commented on the foul smell in general population and strongly suggested the Sheriff have the inmates change their underwear. The Sheriff said he to smelt that stench and he would take care of it ASAP.
As soon as the County Chair left his office the Sherriff called in the Jail Administrator. He informed him of the pungent odor he and the county Chair detected in general population and instructed him to have all inmates in general population change their underwear. I'll get right on that said the jail administer and down to general population he went.

Once in general population he assembled all the inmates and said I have a special announcement. Our new Sheriff and the new County Board Chair just inspected the jail and they said you guys smell bad. They want all of you to change your underwear today. He continued, "So Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Katowski, and Rodriquez you change with Schultz."

Election results always seem to signal "Change", but you can’t always count on things to smell any better with new folks in office.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Saving on Travel Expenses

Per city policy a police chief, a fire chief and a city attorney traveled in one car to save on  expenses to attend a municipal managers’ conference held in the state capital. It was late at night as they travelled through a rural part of the state when their car broke down. With no motels in the immediate area they were forced to seek shelter for the night at the only farmhouse they saw.
The farmer welcomed them but informed them that he only had two spare beds. Regrettably he said, one of you will have to sleep on a cot in the barn. After a quick coin toss the fire chief left for his night in the barn.

Shortly after everyone retired for the night there was a knock at the door. When the farmer opened the door there stood the fire chief complaining he could not sleep surrounded by all those cows. They reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow - the one that started the great Chicago fire. Every time he started to dose off he began to have a fireman's worst nightmare - that of burning to death. There was absolutely no way he could sleep in the barn.
The police chief said no problem I’ll go sleep in the barn. After everyone climbed back into their beds another knock was heard at the door. When the farmer opened the door there stood the police chief complaining there was no way he could sleep in the barn with all those pigs. He said, they reminded him of his rooky days on the force when everyone referred to police officers pigs.

The city attorney, desperate for sleep, said “that’s enough I’ll go sleep in the barn”. Once again everyone jumped back in their beds. Approximately five minutes went by when everyone was woken by a knock at the door. When the farmer opened the door, there stood the cows and pigs.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Trivia Local Government Officials and Commumity Leaders might find of value

1. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of where they were born

2. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is Alaska

3. The percentage of Africa considered wilderness is 28%. The percentage of wilderness in North America is considered

4. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments in the USA.

5. The Kings in a deck of playing cards each represent great historical government leaders:

    Spades - King David
    Hearts - Charlemagne
    Clubs - Alexander the Great
    Diamonds - Julius Caesar

6. Milton Bradley prints more money each day for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury prints for our economy

7. Men can generally read smaller print better than women

8. Women can generally hear better than men

10. It's impossible for a 80% of government employees to lick their elbows

11. At any given hour between 7AM and 7PM the average number of people airborne over the U.S. is 61,000

12. Only two people actually signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776: John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed it on August 2nd; however, the last signature wasn't added until 1781 - 5 years later.

13. 74% of people reading this did not notice or catch that there was no #9 on this list

14. Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women

15. Due to strict censorship laws in the US the first married couple to ever be shown in bed together on prime time Television was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

16. Laws enacted in England during the 1400’s permitted husband’s to beat their wives’ with a wooden stick no thicker than their thumb. Hence today we often refer to 'the rule of thumb'

17. 96% of people reading this list did actually scroll back up to verify there was not a #9 on this list

18. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were stuffed with staff and often secured to the bed frames by ropes. These ropes were pulled tight each night to secure the mattress and make the mattress firmer. Hence today we have a modern phrase that goes like this ...'Goodnight , sleep tight Don't let the bed bugs bite'

19. In ancient Babylon (2000BC) it was an accepted practice that for the entire month following his daughter’s nuptial, the bride's father would supply his new son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. {Mead was a form of honey beer}.  Because the calendar was lunar based this period was referred to as the honey month, which today we know as the honeymoon.

20. Before the day is over 67% of the readers of this list who work in government will try to lick their elbow to verify if they can do it. 100% of non government readers will try. 

Friday, December 10, 2010

Proposed Local Public Official Examination

We are all aware that there are no academic or skills-based testing requirements for individuals to run for, or serve in, local government offices. Over the years though many groups have proposed testing individuals before they run for local government office. Below is a proposed test someone recently shared with me that you might enjoy reviewing and consider taking yourself. It encompasses two primary areas: World History and Geography.

Again the intent of this test is that anyone thinking about running for a Local Government Office would have to get at least 4 correct answers on this test before being allowed to take out papers to run for local public office. Have some fun – test your knowledge. Good luck!

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month does Russia celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands are named for what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) Where do Chinese gooseberries come from?

9) What color is a purple finch?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, 4 correct answers would be required before anyone could serve in a local public office. Check your answers below to see how you did.

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) Where do Chinese gooseberries come from? New Zealand

9) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

Gabe's recommendation. If you failed to get four correct answers by all means pass this test along to some of your good humored Local Government colleagues to see how well they do.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Unhealthy Foods

To help kick off a month long countywide anti-obesity campaign the County’s Public Health Director invited a senior dietician from the State Department of Public Health to address the County Board and give a brief report on unhealthy eating habits.

The State dietician began: The garbage most of us have put into our mouths over the years should have killed us long ago. The red meat we eat is difficult for our bodies to process, the carbonated soft drinks we consume each day destroy our intestinal linings and the fast foods we feast because they are cheap and quick to fix are loaded with deadly salt, sugars and fats. In addition, many of the fruits and vegetables we eat are unhealthy because of the fertilizers and pesticides growers apply to their fields. Few of us in this county board room realize there are lethal bacteria and toxins found in most local drinking water supplies. However, given all this there is still one food above all the rest that is even worse for us eat and even though it has been proven time and time again to be incredibly dangerous all of us have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Would any County Board member like to guess what that one food is? The one food that causes humans - men and women alike - the most grief and suffering after eating it? The County Board member from district 3 raised his hand and said 'Wedding Cake.'

Monday, November 22, 2010

Western State Law Enforcement Mystery

Two sheriff’s deputies, out in a western state, were patrolling an extreme rural part of the county when they spotted an elderly American Native gentleman lying on his stomach alongside the gravel road with his ear pressed close to the ground.

The younger deputy looked at his senior partner and said "You see that? I bet he's listening to the ground. I’ll bet he can hear things for miles in all directions."

The two deputies park their vehicle and begin to slowly walk towards the man. As they got near the elderly American Native looked up at the two deputies and whispered faintly: "Ford Explorer, 12 miles away, traveling north. Man, woman, two children, dog. Towing a big red camping trailer."

"Incredible!" says the younger deputy "Not only can this man tell us how far away the vehicle is, he knows what make of vehicle it is, who the occupants inside the vehicle are, which direction the vehicle is traveling and that it is towing a big red camper trailer. My God this is truly amazing!"

The American Native looked up again at the two deputies and said in a louder voice, "No, No! It ran me over about 15 minutes ago."

Monday, October 25, 2010

Why Some Parents Make Their Children Go to School

The alarm clock had just gone off - it was 6:15AM and Mrs Smith climbed out of bed. Downstairs to the kitchen she went. Once her coffee began to brew she pulled out the pans and got out the bacon & the eggs. "Bobby" she yelled "its time to get up".

As she stood by the stove frying the bacon & eggs she again yelled: "Bobby dear, its time to get up".

Now as she placed the bacon, eggs and toast on the table, she noticed Bobby was still not downstairs. She walked to the bottom of the stairs and yelled one final time "Bobby get up now and come down here for breakfast or you'll be late for school"

Bobby yelled back - "I'm not going to school".

What do you mean you not going to school, she replied.

I'm not Bobby said

Why Bobby?

Cause the kids always make fun of me - the teachers laugh at me and the staff constantly teases me.

Bobby that's not true now get down here his mother yelled.

NO! I am not coming down Bobby said.

Bobby, I am not going to argue with you, get down here and get ready for School his mother said.

"Why do I have to go to school" Bobby asked.

Because you're the Principal!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Heavens Pearly Gates

A School District Administrator suddenly appeared before  the Pearly Gates. In front of him was St Peter quietly reading from “The Great Book”. When St Peter finished reviewing the “The Great Book”, he asked the School Administrator “is there anything you have done in your life to merit admission into heaven?"
Thinking long and hard, the School Administrator replied "Well, one night as I left the high school I noticed a group of young men, four or five of them, I 'm sure, harassing a woman in a parking lot. I yelled at them to leave her alone”  but they didn’t stop.  So I ran over and approached the biggest kid in the group and shouted “Take your friends and get out of here now”. Neither he, or the others, moved so I grabbed him by his collar and punched him in the face. As he fell to the ground I yelled to the others, “Now back off and leave immediately”.

Wow” said St. Peter, “That was truly an act of a good Samaritan; however I did not see that action entered in The Great Book. When exactly did this event take place?" "About four minutes ago the School Administrator replied."

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Library Hours

It was nearing 11PM and the Mayor and his wife were just settling into bed when the phone rang. The Mayor’s wife answered the phone and a man asked “Is the Mayor Home” Yes! she replied and handed the phone to her husband who said Hello.

Say what time does the library open?" the man on the phone. What? What time does the library open?" "Nine A.M." came the Mayor’s reply. "Not until nine A.M.?" the man responded in a disappointed voice.

"Hey what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until nine A.M.?" the man stated again. "No, not till nine A.M.!" the Mayor said. Well I can’t wait until 9AM the man commented.

"Why do you need to get in the library before nine A.M.?" Get in! Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out." Your damn librarian locked me in when she closed your library

Sunday, October 10, 2010

The School Superintendent's Passport

The children of a retired School Superintendent presented their parents with an all expense paid vacation to Europe for their 50th wedding anniversary. When the Superintendent and his wife arrived at the airport in Paris they were greeted by a French customs official who shouted
“passports”. The wife immediately handed over her passport however his the fatigue from the flight prevented the retired superintendent from remembering where he had put his passport during the flight. After a few minutes he was able to find his passport.

It was obvious the customs official was perturbed. He sarcastically asked "You have been to France before, monsieur?" The Superintendent nodded, "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready when you arrive."

The Superintendent sighed and said
"The last time I was in France, I didn't have to show my passport." "Impossible … Americans must always show their passports upon arriving in France!" replied the customs official. The Superintendent quietly said, ''Sir, the last time I visited France was 1944, D-Day. I arrived on Omaha Beach to help liberate France. Unfortunately I could not find a single Frenchmen to show my passport to."

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Local Official Weight Loss

Many newly elected local officials are reported to experience significant weight loss during their first six months in public office. Doctors say this condition is temporary and attributed solely to the physical activities they often engage in upon initially entering their office.

Activities newly elected local government officials most often participate in are:

Tooting their horn
Jumping to conclusions
Running around in circles
Hopping on several band wagons
Making mountains out of mole hills
Constantly opening up cans of worms
Frequently putting their foot in their mouth
Adding unnecessary fuel to smoldering embers

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Village President's Vacation

For the past three years, since elected as a Village President, John went to a quiet little resort up north for his annual vacation. Everyone at the resort was friendly, especially the resort owner’s daughter. In fact, last year the two of them engaged in a marvelous affair during his vacation.

Looking forward to this year’s vacation the Village President drove happily drove to the resort and walked immediately up the stairs to his room. When he arrived on the second floor he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw his lover sitting on a chair in the hallway nursing an infant child!

"Helen, why didn't you write and tell me you were pregnant?" he asked. "I would have rushed straight up here so we could have gotten married, and the baby could have had my name!" "Well John," she said, "when I found out I was pregnant I immediately told my folks and we sat up all night talkin', We decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than to let our neighbors and long time resort guests know his father was a local public official."

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Mayor and the Elephant

A young City Council member was selected to participate in a UN sponsored local government exchange program.  He was invited to work in Africa for 30 days.  While in Africa he would  able to observe and study the various functions of local African village government.

On the evening prior his return back to the States, the young council member took a walk through the bush and amazingly came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised.  The young elephant seemed to be in distress. The  City Council member timidly walked over to the elephant, got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. Immediately he noticed a large piece of wood embedded deeply into the sole of the elephant's foot.

The City Council person took out his pocket knife and as gently as he could extracted the large sliver.  The elephant put down his foot and gingerly leaned on its foot several seconds then with what appeared to be a smile on his face the elephant slowly turned and started to walk away. Suddenly the elephant stopped, turned around and looked directly at the young City Council member; it raised its leg then trumpeted loudly before it ran off into the jungle as to say 'Thank You'

Years quickly passed and that young City Council person was now the Mayor. While giving a tour of the new City Zoo to a group of visiting dignitaries a large bull walked up to the bars on the elephant enclosure and starred at the Mayor. 

The elephant’s eyes followed the Mayor’s every move. One of the visitors said "Mayor I believe that that elephant is looking at you". The Mayor stopped and gazed at the elephant. They both stood silent and looked at each other. Finally, the elephant lifted its front leg, wagged it side to side then trumpeted loudly. Recalling his encounter years earlier in Africa the Mayor wondered if this could be the same elephant he met in the bush.

Summoning up his courage, he stepped over the outer fence and walked up close to the bars. Slowly the elephant snaked its trunk through the bars and gently touched the Mayor's face. As the Mayor moved closer the elephant wrapped its lovingly trunk around the Mayor as though he were caressing him. Then without warning the elephant squeezed the Mayor’s torso tightly, raised the Mayor high in the air then repeatedly slammed him into the ground several times killing him. Obviously this was not the same elephant the Mayor had met years ago.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Differences Between Local Dairy Farmers

You have two cows. You create a corporation and sell one of your cows but lease it back to your corporation then do an IPO on the 2nd cow. You tell your foreman to raise the milk production of each cow and are surprised when one dies. You immediately send out a press release stating your dairy farm will downsize to reduce expenses and the price of your stock goes up.

You have two cows, one is of French descent, the other of English descent. Your English cow won't share any hay with the French cow and the French cow wants to control all the English cow's milk.

You have two cows. After analyzing their actions you redesign them so they are 40% smaller than most cows however they yield 35% more milk per milking. All your cows are good students, they study hard and excel in both math and science.

You have two cows. You want purity in your herd so you start to gentically engineer your cows. Your goal is to have blond haired, blue eyed cows who can drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk and run extremely fast on the autobahn.

You have two cows. You demand the government give you one more and go on strike. While on strike you drink lots of wine. Life is good.

You have two cows but don't know where they are. You go in the fields to look for them and meet a beautiful woman. You invite her to lunch and the two of you enjoy the afternoon. Life is good.

You government representative has given you two cows and a case of vodka. Later that day you go out to your field to count your cows and learn you now have five cows. Excited you have three extra cows you decide to drink another bottle of vodka. Later in the evening you re-count your cows and learn you now have 14. Life is good.

You have two cows; however they have gone into hiding somewhere in the caves in the nearby mountains. Occasionally your cows release audio and video tapes of their mooing so you know they are still alive. Life good.

You have two bulls. Several of your farm hands have been seriously maimed and a two have been killed trying to milk your bulls.

You possess all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. Neither you or your farm hands milk them because you are not allowed to touch the private parts or any animal. You apply for and receive a $40 million grant from the US Government to find alternatives to milk production. Your grant is approved however when the money arrives you use it to buy weapons for local tribal leaders.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Alcohol and a Mayoral Candidate

A candidate running for Mayor was asked his thoughts on alcohol. If you mean the demon drink that poisons our minds, pollutes our bodies destroys marriages and ruins careers then I assure you I am against it. However if you are referring to that delicious elixir of Holiday cheer, that shield against a cold winter chill, that taxable potion that generates needed funds to maintain our schools and build new senior citizen centers then I'm 100% for it. That is my position and I promise the good people of this fair City that I will not compromise. The Candidate was elected Mayor.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Excused From Jury Duty

A jury was needed for a trial. After going through a jury pool a jury was impaneled – 12 jurors and two alternates. On the day of the trail all 14 jurors were escorted into the courtroom and seated in the jury box. As soon as Judge walked in juror # 8 raised his hand and asked the Judge if he could be excused. Bewildered the Judge asked why? Juror # 8 responded “poor jury selection”.

The judge looked sternly at the Clerk of the Court and motioned for her to approach the bench. Well asked the Judge? That’s impossible your honor! We use a sophisticated software system that indiscriminately selects two hundred random names from our county resident data base. Those 200 names are then fed into another independent software program that analyzes critical data such as age, sex, arrest records, date of residency etc. to randomly identify 40 potential names for a jury pool.

Those 40 names are printed off and placed in a steel drum in my office. Two nonpartisan witnesses are summoned to watch as the drum is spun and I pull out 14 names. The 14 names I pull out of the drum are all mailed a juror selection notice along with specific instructions as to when and where to report for jury duty. As they report to my office on the day of the trial they are assigned a number. The first 12 are our jurors and the last two are our alternates. I assure you Your Honor, all 14 of these people were selected using only the highest acceptable standards.

The Judge turned and now looked at Juror # 8 and said son, the only way I can release a juror is if I am provided with a compelling reason as to why that person (or persons) cannot render a fair and impartial decision. Do you have such a reason for me? Yes sir I believe I do said juror # 8. Well what is it asked the Judge. Juror # 2 is my ex-wife Your Honor and I guarantee we will not be able to agree on anything." The Judge excused both jurors .

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The High School Bathroom Mirror Problem

The new school year had begun and just like always a number of the 7th grade girls at the middle school were beginning to wear lipstick. Most would leave home without any lipstick; however they would quickly apply it once they arrived at school. The routine was to go into the bathroom, apply the lipstick, then when they were done many they press their lips against the mirror. Those little lip prints all over the mirrors were once again upsetting the custodial staff.

Tired of hearing the custodians complain, the new principal decided it was time do something so she had all the 7th girls report to the bathroom on the second floor at 2PM. There she, and the custodial supervisor were waiting. When all the young ladies had arrived the principal explained that lip prints on the mirrors were causing a problem for the custodians who have to clean them each night. Many of the girls now giggled.

The Principal asked the girls to watch how hard it was for a custodian clean lipstick off a mirror. She took out a tube of lipstick and made several marks with it on the mirror then asked the custodial supervisor to demonstrate how hard it is to remove it. The supervisor grabbed her squeegee, dipped it into the toilet bowl and pulled it across the mirror several times. She dunked her squeegee into the bowl a second time and this time rubbed it vigorously across the mirror. With a fair amount of effort she was soon able to have the mirror clean.
Amazingly, not a single lip print has appeared on any bathroom mirrors for the rest of the school year.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Oldest Profession

It was a hot August Saturday afternoon; most of the staff and many of the elected officials from city hall were at a city park enjoying their annual summer picnic. The Medical Examiner, the City Engineer and the Mayor were sitting at a picnic table and each was enjoying a refreshing beverage. While they sat and sipped their beverages they became engaged in a lively discussion as to which one of their professions was really the oldest profession.

The Medical Examiner spoke first and said, "Gentleman, let us not forget that on the sixth day God took a single rib from Adam and made Eve; therefore it is clear that God was the first surgeon and thus you’ll have to admit that medicine is the oldest profession."

The Civil Engineer quickly interrupted and said "Not so fast Doc. Remember before that day God had already created heaven and earth from chaos and confusion; therefore you’ll have to concede that God was really the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is obviously the oldest profession" After tipping his can up in the air and savoring the last drop the Mayor slowly wiped his lips and quitely said "But who gentlemen do you think created all of the chaos and confusion that God had to deal with?"

Monday, August 9, 2010

Township Heros

A large manufacturing plant was ablaze and the raging fire was more than the City’s Fire Department could handle. A call for mutual aid was made and within minutes a nearby township had it's one and only truck on the way; however when the bystanders saw the old dilapidated truck driving up they all started to laugh. Their laughter soon stopped when the old truck sped right through the checkpoint and drove directly into the blaze.

Totally surrounded by fire, the small group of township fire fighters jumped off their truck and began spraying water in every direction. Within minutes they single handedly put out the blaze and saved the plant. The President of the manufacturing plant was so impressed with the township fire fighters he took out his personal checkbook and presented them with a check for $1000 to show his appreciation.

A news crew filming at the scene captured this act of generousity on film and the reporter ran over to the township fire fighters. He asked them what they were going to do with the $1,000 they just received. “Well, since our township board keeps cutting our maintenance budget to reduce the tax levy we’re going to use this money to buy new brakes for our rundown fire truck”.

Twelve County Supervisors

A man from a small midwestern county was arrested for his fifth OWI while out on bail and driving with a revoked license. The DA believed this was a slam dunk case; however finding twelve acceptable jurors became a seemingly impossible task. Everyone on the jury pool had to be excused because they were either a relative, business partner, personal friend, hunting buddy, fishing pal or drinking companion of the accused.

Frustrated by this situation the Judge instructed the bailiff to go downstairs to the County Board room where a County Board meeting was in progress. He demanded the bailiff bring back 12 County Supervisors who would sit on the jury. Both the DA and the defense lawyer were astounded that the judge took such decisive action however both were glad the trial could now proceed. When the bailiff returned with 2 County Board Members the judge informed them that they were being sequestered as jurors and they were expected to be unbiased in rendering a fair verdict. The trial finally began.

A preponderance of evidence was presented against the accused yet the trail lasted just under 30 minutes. It was clear to everyone in the courtroom that the defendant was definitely guilty of his fifth OWI. After the Judge sent the Jury (the empanelled County Board Members) to jury-room to deliberate he began to clear off his bench as everyone anticipated a quick verdict.

After five hours passed the Judge was out of patience and asked the bailiff to go down to the Jury room to find out how things were going. When the bailiff returned, the Judge asked, "Well are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Your Honor, they’re not even half way through the nominating speeches for the position of Jury foreman!"