Friday, January 28, 2011

The Murder Trial

A wealthy businessman’s son was on trial for murder; if convicted his son could receive the death penalty. It just so happened the businessman’s neighbor was assigned to this jury. Since his neighbor was the township board president officer the businessman came right out and asked neighbor if he would use his communication skills and powers of persuasion to influence the rest of the jury to come back with a “reduced charge” of manslaughter, not murder.

After the attorneys gave their closing arguments the jury was escorted to the jury room for deliberation. The jury deliberated for just over a week before returning to the courtroom with its verdict. The verdict it rendered was: Manslaughter.

Overjoyed the local business man sent his neighbor and township officer a Thank You card with a short note explaining his gratitude and a check for $5,000. A few days later the businessman’s received a letter from his town ship officer acknowledging the businessman’s thank note. osed was the $5,000 check. The township officer’s note said, I am returning your gift as that there is no need for such a gift it as it was pleasure to be of service. However I have got to tell you it wasn't easy convincing the rest of the jury to render a charge of manslaughter all eleven had initially voted not guilty.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Cold Water

It was election time and a candidate running for the office of County Clerk went out to meet with potential voters. Eventually he arrived in a very secluded part of the rural county.  After introducing himself to the homeowner he was invited in and offered a cup of coffee. Upon receiving his coffee the candidate noticed a film like substance coating his cup and politely asked 'Is this cup clean?' "Sure" replied the homeowner "its as clean as cold water can get em".

After a few minutes the homeowner’s wife came out to join them  bringing them some cake she had made that morning. Again, the candidate noticed a film covering his plate plus tiny specks around the rim of the plate. 'I don’t’ mean to be rude the candidate asked but are you sure these plates are clean?' 'I swear that plate is as clean as cold water can get them said the wife  now don't fret, eat your cake'. As the candidate left the house the family dog started to growl and would not let the candidate off the porch. The candidate yelled back at the house “Excuse me can you see to your dog?'. The old man shouted from the screendoor! 'Coldwater, lay down and let that man along!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Did You Know

The words "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"? ...that "eat" is the only word in the English language that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense, "ate"? And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "local government officials," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Let’s get rid of those arrogant, ignorant, ridiculous rule making, resource-sucking, money spending fools who run our local government." How weird is that???

Thursday, January 6, 2011

What To Wear to the City Council Meeting

Bob Johnson was outraged after receiving his tax bill. He called City Hall and demanded his he be put on the agenda for the next City Council meeting. Bob wanted to appeal his proposed property tax assessment which he thought was totally outrageous.

A few days later he was informed that his request was approved. Bob immediately called his accountant and asked fro advice on what he should wear when he went before the city council. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let the city council think you are a pauper; show them that raising your taxes will pose an undue financial burden on you and your family" his accountant insisted.

Just to be on the safe side, later that day, Bob called his long time attorney and asked the same question. - What should I wear when I go before the City Council? His attorney gave him a completely different response. He said "The main thing is not to let any of those city council members intimidate you. Wear your most expensive suit and your most elegant tie. Look successful, talk confident and demand your property tax assessment be lowered or you will have no recourse but to sell your house and move to a more understanding and taxpayer friendly community."

Bob was now thoroughly confused. As he walked home that night he walked passed his church where his Priest was out in front tending his flowers. The priest could tell by Bob's walk that he was not his chipper self. "Bob what is the matter" the Priest asked. Bob explained his situation and the conflicting advice he received from his accountant and attorney. Bob then asked his Priest what he thought he should wear to the City Council meeting.

"Well Bob”, his Priest began, “let me tell you a story about a young woman - Margaret O'Malley who got married last summer - it was a beautiful wedding. However before the wedding Margaret asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night." 'Be sure to wear your pink flannel nightgown the one with long sleeves and the high collar that goes all the way to your neck' her mother said. "Well to be on the safe side Margaret then went to her maid of honor and asked her what she thought she should where on her Wedding Night." Her Maid of Honor responded “Go to Fredericks of Hollywood and buy the sexiest negligee you can find - one with lots of silk and lace; and mist yourself with the most exotic perfume you can find".

"Wait a minute Father", Bob interrupted "what does this story about a young woman getting married and wanting to know what to wear on her honeymoon have to do with my going before the City Council next week to appeal property taxes?" "That's simple", replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter a damn thing what you wear. You like poor dear old Margaret can plan on getting screwed!"