Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Township Officer's Part-time Job

With things going pretty good at the township, a township officer decided to apply for a job as a store greeter at the new Wal-Mart store recently built in the community.   His thought was that a job at Wal-Mart, a high traffic store, would help him get a better feel and understanding of all the things going on in the community and he also believed he and his wife would enjoy the extra dollars he earned from this part-time position.

Surprisingly, he was fired just a few hours after starting on his shift.   When asked by his fellow township officials what happened, he gave the following explanation.

"About two hours into my shift, a very loud, unattractive, and belligerent  woman walked into the store dragging her two children behind her.   She was yelling obscenities at them all the way through the store entrance.  When she neared where I was standing, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning Ma'am and welcome to Wal-Mart.'   I then added, 'Nice children you have there.  Are they twins?'

The woman stopped her yelling just long enough to look me straight in the eyes and say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins.  The oldest one is 9, and the youngest is 7.  Now why in the hell would a man your age think these boys are twins?  Are you blind, or just plain stupid?'

I replied, 'Neither Ma'am -  I just can't believe that someone slept with you twice.'  I then added, 'Have a good day,' and thanked her for shopping at Wal-Mart.

When my supervisor heard about the incident, he came out and took me to the side and said I probably didn't have the right personality for this line of work and fired me."


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Public Safety Update! Horseback Riding Tragedy Averted

It was recently reported that a city council member narrowly escaped serious injury last Friday morning while attempting to ride a horse.   Bystanders say the public official, who had no prior experience riding horses, mounted a horse - a golden Palomino - unassisted.   As he settled in the saddle, the horse unexpectedly bolted and began to gallop at a rapid pace.

Startled, the city council member lost control of the reins. Witnesses say he did try to grab the horse's mane, but was unable to secure a firm grip and he began to slip sideways off the saddle.   Frantic, he threw his arms around the animal's neck; however, he continued to slide downward.  All the while, the galloping Palomino was totally oblivious to its rider's predicament. 

Believing it was just a matter of time before he would fall under the beast, the local official attempted to leap from the horse and throw himself to safety.  Unfortunately, his feet were entangled in the stirrups and he could not leap off the horse. 

Moments before sliding under the horse's feet, a colleague, a township officer from a nearby community, saw the situation unfolding and quickly came to his aid.  After carefully assessing the situation she decided the best thing to do was to unplug the cord. 

With the cord unplugged, the horse quickly came to a quiet rest.  After she determined her colleague was unhurt and out of danger, the township official decided to continue with her errands and entered Wal-Mart to do her shopping.
Unconfirmed reports are now surfacing that the city council member is currently drafting a new city ordinance that will mandate all amusement rides located at area businesses, shopping centers and arcades be monitored and supervised at all times.