The County Board Member's Lie

Bob, the oldest member on the county board at age 70, was an extremely wealthy widower.  Though his wife passed away several years ago, Bob still continued to make their annual trip to Florida during the month of January.  Maybe it was out of respect for his wife or maybe it was just to get away from the cold north woods; no one really knew for sure, but Bob continued to go to Florida.

This year, when Bob returned from Florida, he showed up with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy looking 25-year-old blond-haired woman.  The woman was stunning and just knocked every one's socks off with her figure, charm, dark tan, and absolute sex appeal.  Where ever they went, she hung on to Bob's arm as they walked and listened so intently to every word Bob spoke.

A few days after returning from Florida, Bob brought the young Florida woman to a county board meeting and all his colleagues on the board were aghast.  When the opportunity presented itself, one of Bob's colleagues asked, "Bob, I gotta ask, how'd you find such a beautiful young girlfriend?"

 

Bob replied, "Girlfriend?  She's not my girlfriend.  She's my wife!"

 

Now his colleagues were all dumbfounded.  Immediately, another colleague asked, "Bob, how did you ever persuade a woman that young and gorgeous to marry you?"

'It was easy; I lied about my age," Bob replied.

 

"What! You told her you were only 50?" 

 

Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was 90."

Fiscally Conservative County Supervisors

In order to prove their point about the need to cut expenses and save money, two very fiscally conservative county board members brought brown bag lunches to a county board meeting.  When the county board recessed for lunch, several board members left the courthouse and walked over to a nearby restaurant for lunch.  The two conservative board members with their brown bag lunches went along with their colleagues.

When all the board members were seated, a waitress came over and took their beverage orders.  Once the drinks arrived at the table, the two fiscally conservative county board members opened their brief cases, took out their brown bags, and began to eat their sandwiches.

Upon seeing this, the hostess of the restaurant ran over and informed the two of them - in a very stern voice - that they could not eat their own sandwiches in the restaurant!  The two tight wads looked at each other with disbelief, apologized to the hostess, said they know that, and then exchanged their sandwiches.

The Average Local Public Official

The more we know about local public officials, the better we can understand how they think. Below are ten interesting, yet totally superfluous, tidbits of information regarding . . .

"Local Public Officials" . . .

the men and women who serve our townships, villages, counties, cities, parishes, boroughs, school boards, and special operating authorities across America.

 

The Average Local Public Official:

1)    Is 54 years of age.

2)    Is married.

3)    Is retired, semi-retired, or self-employed.

4)     Is a high school graduate with two additional years of
        higher education or training.

5)    Cannot lick his or her "left elbow."

6)    Has an annual income greater than $45,000.

7)    Has two or more children (the actual statistical mean
       is 2.6 children).

8)    Has lived in his or her community for over 18 years.

9)    Will serve two complete terms in public office.

10)  Since reading this article, has tried to lick his or her
       left elbow twice.

Desireable Physical Characteristics of Male Local Public Officials

A study recently conducted by the League of Women Voters  revealed that there are two characteristics that women find attractive in male candidates running for local public offices (i.e. county board members, city council persons, school board members, township officers, village boards, parishes and boroughs, etc.).

The characteristics that attract women voters to a male candidate appear to differ significantly based on three primary factors:   the age of the woman, the marital status of the woman, and the income level of the woman.

It should come as no surprise that the League's year long research concluded that:

1) Younger, single and vibrant female voters with minimal financial responsibilities seem to be attracted to male candidates who are tall, broad-shouldered, and have rugged facial features.

2) Mature female voters, especially those nearing retirement age or those divorced and now a single head of a household, generally prefer male candidates running for local public office to be tied to a post, with duct tape over their mouths, a spear embedded deep in their chest, and waiting for the fire to be ignited.

The Atheist Public School Science Teacher

A science teacher at the local high school who was a well-known atheist loved trekking in the woods.   One day while out hiking in a remote part of the county, he heard the rustling of bushes and then he saw a large bear charging  towards him.

Though he ran as fast as he could, he could not lose the bear who was now closing in on him.  In his confusion, he slipped and fell on the ground.  When he rolled over to pick himself up, he saw the bear right behind him, reaching for him with his left paw and getting ready to strike him with his right paw.  At that moment, the science teacher cried out, "Oh God, help me!" 

Time stopped - the bear froze and the county forest went totally silent.   The clouds parted and a bright light came down from the sky and was cast upon him.  He heard a deep voice bellow out from the sky,

"You deny my existence for all these years, you tell your friends I don't exist, and you teach your students that the creation of this wonderful planet you call Earth was just a cosmic accident.  Do you really expect me to help you in your time of need?"

The science teacher looked directly into the bright light, and said, "No, I guess not.  It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now in my hour of need; however, Lord, would it be too much of me to ask you to make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the bellowing voice and then the bright light faded away, the sounds of the forest slowly returned and the bear's right paw dropped.  The bear brought both his paws together and grabbed the science teacher around the head.

The bear then bowed his head and spoke, "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

The Village President's Daughter

Little Bruce and his girlfriend Jenny were only 10 years old but they knew they were very much in love.  Bruce made an appointment to meet with Jenny’s father, who happened to be the Village President where they lived; to ask for her hand in marriage.  When Bruce arrived at the Village Hall he bravely walked into the President's Office and introduced himself to the receptionist.  She asked him to take a seat. 
When the Village President came out he invited little Bruce into his off where upon little Bruce immediately said "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for your blessing to marry her."  Thinking this was just the cutest thing, he had ever heard the Village President replied, "Well Bruce, you and Jenny are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without  taking a moment to think about his answer, Bruce replied, "In Jenny's room Sir. It's bigger than mine and we are sure we can both fit in there nicely."

Still thinking this was just adorable, The Village President asked with a grin, "Okay Bruce then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job and you'll need money to support my daughter." Again, Bruce instantly replied, "Our allowances Sir. Jenny gets 5 bucks a week and I get 10. That's 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

The Village President was really amazed that Bruce had put so much thought into this.  Trying come up with something that Bruce wouldn't have an answer for the Village President thought for a moment then said, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one final question before I can give you my blessing. What will you and Jenny do if she gets pregnant?" Bruce just shrugged his shoulders and said "Well, Sir, we've been lucky so far." The Village President no long thought Bruce was adorable and asked him to leave his office.