Let's talk Heaven and Hell - Good insight for Local Public Officials

The following is an actual exam question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. 

This answer by the student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Here is the question.

Bonus Question 

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.

I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives us two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate that was given to me by Anabella during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Anabella kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

For the record this student received an A+!!

Media Coverage of Local Government Events

A Village Trustee and his wife took a short vacation to New York to visit their son and his family. While in New York they took the grandchildren to the Bronx zoo.

While at the zoo a little girl, not too far from them was leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly a lion grabbed the little girl by her jacket collar and tried to pull her inside the cage under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The vacationing village trustee immediately ran over to the scene and hit the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Startled from the pain the lion jumped back and let the little girl go. The trustee picked up the girl and carried her over to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A news reporter who was at the zoo witnessed the entire event and said "Sir, that was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life." 
 
The trustee tried to down play it and said "It was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt any decent human would."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living"?

“Well, I am a local elected government official from Nebraska.” he said.

The journalist left and the following morning the headline on the front page of the Washington Post reads:

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL FROM NEBRASKA LASHES OUT AND ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AT THE BRONX ZOO

... and that my friends pretty much sums up the media's approach towards reporting on local government events these days.

Local Government Official Martial Problem Resolved

A local township officer was devastated when he found out his wife was having an affair. To come to terms with this whole thing he decided to change his religion. 

He converted to Islam; tomorrow morning his wife will be stoned in front of the mosque.

The Public School Field Trip - a must read for all local and municipal public officials ... especialy School Board Members

So with the weather turning nice an this inner city elementary school wanted to do some type of field trip for the 4th and 5th grade students. 

One parent suggested a trip to State Capital but that was not considered because it was too far and would be too expensive for the school board. Another parent suggested a trip to the Mall of America but that was thought to be too dangerous for the kids – they might get lost. Someone then suggested a trip to a real live working farm.  Everyone agreed that was a great idea as it would be a wonderful learning experience for every inner city kid.
 

The trip was planned and a few weeks later several buses arrived in front of the school around 9:00 a.m.  The kids loaded up and were taken to a real farm about 35 miles west of the city. The students had the opportunity to spend all day on the farm with the farmer, his wife, his family and all his ranch hands.

The students got to watch the feeding operations, the milking operation, the barn clean-up process and some of the kids even got to help herd the sheep and chickens from one area of the farm to another. The kids really loved their day at the farm.

The next day back at the school a member of the member of the school board showed up at the class. This member was opposed to the field trip concept and wanted to find out first had if the children enjoyed their trip and to determine if it was worth spending the additional taxpayers' dollars on the transportation costs involved to take the children on this field trip.

The school board member asked the class if the field trip was good. Unanimously the kids shouted, "Yeah it was great." 

"Well," asked the school board member, "what was the best part of the trip?" 

One kid said, "The smells – I have never smelt any kind of air like that before in the city." 

Another said, "I liked wide open spaces – I have never seen so much wide open land like that anywhere in the city."

Finally a third student said, "I loved all the different sounds we heard."  

"The sounds?" asked the school board member. 

"Yeah," yelled the kids, "there were all kinds of sounds out on the farm that we never hear in the city."

"Like, what kinds of sounds did you hear?" asked the school board member.

One little boy said, "Moo Moo - it was great hearing that sound all day." 

Another student yelled out, "Oink Oink - that was the best sound I ever heard. I never heard that sound before in my whole entire life." 

Still a third yelled out, "Baa Baa - I never knew sheep could talk." said a little girl.

In the back of the room sat quietly one little boy who was well known throughout the school and by all the school board members for always getting into trouble so the school board member asked, "And Billy, was there a sound that you liked hearing all day yesterday out on the farm?"

"Yes mam," he replied, "there sure was." 

"Well what was it?" 

He said, "It was “the farmer yelling at me all day 'Get down off that F^&@%$# tractor kid!'"

The Newly Wed City Council Member

A younger member on the City Council decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening about a week after their honeymoon, he was out in the garage after supper cleaning his golf clubs for his Saturday game. His wife came out and stood by the bench to watch him.
 

After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've been thinking.  Now that we are married I think it's time you quit playing so much golf. Maybe you should sell your clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club."
 

The city council member froze and got a horrified look on his face.

His wife said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
 

He replied, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" 

"I wasn't." he replied.

Attention Local Government Public Officials - Interesting History Regarding The “F” Word

Regardless of their age or religious beliefs, most Americans do not condone the use of the "F" word in public – ever! 

However, a study released by the Smithsonian Institute this past January (2015) indicated a panel of academic scholars did agreed that there were nine times in human history where they thought the use of  the "F" word was appropriate and justified to be used in public.  

Those nine times approved by the Smithsoian were:

9.  566 - Italian artist Michelangelo, while speaking to the Pope said = "You want me to paint a picture across this whole @#$%ing ceiling?”

8.  877 - US Army Calvary General George A. Custer when he turned to his personal aide,  Major Randolph Dwight, and the 7^th Army's Lead Bugler, Sgt Sam Johnston, and said, "Where the @#$% are all these Indians coming from?"

                                           

7.  905 - famed magician Harry Houdini while in New York City watching a young new magician perform a magic trick on Broadway turned to his wife, Bess, and the others in his VIP theater box and said, "How the @#$% did he do that?"

                                            

6.  1912 Senior Pastry Chef, Fritz Mullenbacher on the Rms Titanic, yelled from the ship’s galley and said, "Where the @#$% is all this water coming from?" 

                                           

5.  1926 Pablo Picasso a young Spanish painter named defending a portrait of a lady he just recently painted by saying "It does so look like a @#$%ing woman!"

4.  1937 Amelia Earhart (world-renowned female aviator) on a trans-pacific flight, turned to her all male flight crew and said, "Does anyone know where the @#$% we are?"

3.  1945 (June) while sorting a pile of mail at the Japanese Imperial Post Office in Hiroshima City, Japan, postal employee Yoshita Harada yelled to his colleagues after hearing a loud bang outside said "What the @#$% was that?"

                                           

2.  1953 when Albert Einstein, a visiting professor at Princeton University was asked by a young New York Times reporter if Einstein would once again explain his most recent mathematical equation, Einstein turned to the young reporter and said, "What the @#$% are you talking about? Any @#$%ing idiot can understand that!"

                                         

1. 1988 American President Bill Clinton said to a female intern who was working at the White House, "Aw c'mon Baby who the @#$% is going to find out?"

               

It’s interesting to note that the panel of Smithsonian Scholars came close to considering one additional event; however due to on panelist objecting saying it was not appropriate that event was omitted. That particular incident occurred way back in 4314 BC when an ship builder, named Noah, said, "You call this a period of @#$%ing scattered rain showers?"