The Township Officer's Part-time Job

With things going pretty good at the township, a township officer decided to apply for a job as a store greeter at the new Wal-Mart store recently built in the community.   His thought was that a job at Wal-Mart, a high traffic store, would help him get a better feel and understanding of all the things going on in the community and he also believed he and his wife would enjoy the extra dollars he earned from this part-time position.

Surprisingly, he was fired just a few hours after starting on his shift.   When asked by his fellow township officials what happened, he gave the following explanation.

"About two hours into my shift, a very loud, unattractive, and belligerent  woman walked into the store dragging her two children behind her.   She was yelling obscenities at them all the way through the store entrance.  When she neared where I was standing, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning Ma'am and welcome to Wal-Mart.'   I then added, 'Nice children you have there.  Are they twins?'

The woman stopped her yelling just long enough to look me straight in the eyes and say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins.  The oldest one is 9, and the youngest is 7.  Now why in the hell would a man your age think these boys are twins?  Are you blind, or just plain stupid?' 

I replied, 'Neither Ma'am -  I just can't believe that someone slept with you twice.'  I then added, 'Have a good day,' and thanked her for shopping at Wal-Mart.

When my supervisor heard about the incident, he came out and took me to the side and said I probably didn't have the right personality for this line of work and fired me."

 

Public Safety Update! Horseback Riding Tragedy Averted

It was recently reported that a city council member narrowly escaped serious injury last Friday morning while attempting to ride a horse.   Bystanders say the public official, who had no prior experience riding horses, mounted a horse - a golden Palomino - unassisted.   As he settled in the saddle, the horse unexpectedly bolted and began to gallop at a rapid pace.

Startled, the city council member lost control of the reins. Witnesses say he did try to grab the horse's mane, but was unable to secure a firm grip and he began to slip sideways off the saddle.   Frantic, he threw his arms around the animal's neck; however, he continued to slide downward.  All the while, the galloping Palomino was totally oblivious to its rider's predicament. 

Believing it was just a matter of time before he would fall under the beast, the local official attempted to leap from the horse and throw himself to safety.  Unfortunately, his feet were entangled in the stirrups and he could not leap off the horse. 

Moments before sliding under the horse's feet, a colleague, a township officer from a nearby community, saw the situation unfolding and quickly came to his aid.  After carefully assessing the situation she decided the best thing to do was to unplug the cord. 

With the cord unplugged, the horse quickly came to a quiet rest.  After she determined her colleague was unhurt and out of danger, the township official decided to continue with her errands and entered Wal-Mart to do her shopping.

Unconfirmed reports are now surfacing that the city council member is currently drafting a new city ordinance that will mandate all amusement rides located at area businesses, shopping centers and arcades be monitored and supervised at all times.  

A One Question Survey

This is A one question survey which will verify where you stand on a very important issue.  This survey is designed to address a "completely fictional situation" in which you will have to make a spilt-second decision.

Remember, the response you provide should be both honest and spontaneous.

THE SITUATION TO CONSIDER:

You are a professional photographer and you and your family are on vacation in Hawaii.  A major tsunami hits the island and there is chaos all around you caused by the severe flooding.  The flood unfolding before your eyes is of biblical proportion. 

You work for a major news service and now, here you are,  caught in the middle of this once-in-a-lifetime epic disaster.  All around you houses, cars, and debris are swirling and people are disappearing under the water.  Mother nature is unleashing her destructive fury at its worst.

You suddenly realize you have before you an opportunity of a lifetime - to shoot a career-making photograph of this hopeless situation. 

THE DILEMA YOU HAVE:

You see a man floating in the water; he is fighting for his life.  The man is doing everything he possibly can not to be taken under the water or be hit by the debris floating in the water. You move in closer and realize the man looks vaguely familiar.  Suddenly you realize he is a city council member from your hometown who is also on vacation and the raging waters are now about to take him under.

TWO OPTIONS LIE BEFORE YOU:

1) You can save this person's life
         or
2) You can capture a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo

    documenting the actual death of a tsunami victim which

    will bring you fame and fortune for the rest of your career.

THE SURVEY QUESTION WE WANT YOU TO ANSWER IS:

and please, please give an honest answer...

Would you

(a) Select a high contrast color film
         or
(b) Go with the classic simplicity of black and white film?

The Compassionate Township Officer

A township officer was driving home from a township meeting thinking of what he and the other township officers were briefed - the growing number of homeless people now in their community.

As he drove home, he saw two men along the roadside eating grass in the ditch.  Remembering what he heard at the township meeting, he was disturbed and immediately pulled his truck over.  He yelled to the men, "Why are you guys eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," one man replied.

 

"We're homeless and all we have to eat is grass," the other said.  

 

"That's terrible; you poor fellows jump into the back of my pickup and I will take you to my house and feed you," the township officer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children, one said.  "They are over there, under that tree."  

 

"Bring them along," replied the township officer.

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "Sir, I also have a wife and three children!" 

 

"No problem.  Bring them all as well.  I have enough to feed all of you," the township officer replied.

The men helped their wives and children into the back of the pickup and then they hopped into the cab.  Once under way, one of the men turned to the township officer and said, "Sir, you are very kind.  Thank you for taking all of us with you.

 

The  township officer replied, "Glad to do it; its no problem. I think you and your families will really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high and not full of weeds like that stuff you guys were eating back there in the ditch."

The Problem with Transparency in Government

The city council decided to "get tough on drunk drivers" and passed a resolution authorizing the police chief to hire a new part-time officer.  The local media reported that the sole purpose of this new position within the police department was to crack down on drunk drivers on Friday and Saturday nights.  When a part-time officer was finally hired, the newspapers reported that he would start working this Friday and Saturday night.  

On his first night on patrol, the new officer staked out a local night spot with a longstanding reputation for its high number of DUI violators.   Ten minutes before closing time, the officer saw a man stumble out of the front door of the bar and then trip on the sidewalk and fall face down.  After laying on the sidewalk for several minutes, the man finally picked himself up and wobbled towards the parking lot.

Once in the parking lot, the man fumbled for several minutes to locate his keys.  He then tried to open five different cars before finding the one his keys would  open. 

 

Meanwhile, other patrons were leaving the bar and were driving off, but the officer stayed with his man.

After several minutes of trying to start his car, the driver finally got it in gear and pulled it out of the parking lot.  The new officer immediately turned on his lights and siren and pulled the driver over.   Because the officer had witnessed this man’s actions, he didn't waste time with a field sobriety test.  Instead he proceeded right to the breathalyzer to capture the man’s blood-alcohol content.  

Amazingly, the results of the man's blood alcohol came up with a 0.0 reading.  Puzzled, the officer demanded to know how this could be.  He witnessed the man stagger, fall and fumble.  

 

"It’s easy," replied the driver.  "We have all read the paper over the past few months and know that the city  hired a new DUI officer.  We also saw on the news tonight that today was going to be the officer's first night on duty so we drew straws and I lost.  I had to be the designated decoy tonight."

Why the Dog in Fire Department?

It was that dreaded time of year when the city council had to approve the new city budget.  The city council chambers was packed with members of a local group known as C.A.N.T. - Citizens Against New Taxes. 

As the Mayor opened the budget hearing, members of CANT began chanting, "Eliminate government waste - eliminate government waste - eliminate government waste -eliminate government waste." 

 

Having heard enough of the chanting, one city council member spoke up.  "We have cut all the waste in our city government.  If your group believes there is any waste in our city government, tell us were you think it is."

The leader of CANT stood up from the back of the room and yelled, "The fire department." 

 

Shocked, the mayor asked, "Where in the fire department do you see waste?" 

 

"The dog." replied the CANT leader.  The fire department has a dog.   Why?  That dog must be fed, groomed, housed, trained, and exercised, all of which cost local tax dollars.  Why is our fire department so damn special that it needs to have a dog?  I have personally checked with several surrounding cities and none of their fire departments have dogs."  

The mayor saw the fire chief sitting in the room and asked, "Chief, would you come forward and respond to this issue?"

 

"Sure," replied the chief and he walked up front.

"What exactly is your question?" the fire chief asked the members of CANT?

A member of CANT yelled, "Why does your fire department have a dog?"

Before the chief could respond another member of CANT yelled, "Does that dog help you fight fires?" 

 

"No," said the chief.

Another member then yelled, "Does that dog help with crowd control when you fight a fire?"

 

"No," said the chief.

“Well, does the dog bring your fire department good luck when you're fighting fires?" another chuckled. 

 

"No again," the chief said.

"Well then, why in heaven’s sake is your department so damn special that it needs a dog when other cities don't have dogs in their fire departments?" the CANT leader asked.

"That's easy," said the chief.  "Three years ago, because of your organization's concerns to lower local taxes, the city council voted to terminate six full-time fire fighter positions. Two years ago, because of your group's demands to reduce taxes, the city council voted to eliminate the global positioning system (GPS) software in our fire fighting vehicles.  And last year, because of your organization's demands to freeze taxes, the city council passed a resolution banning all city departments from purchasing new maps, reference guides, and plat books," said the chief.

"What does any of that have to do with our question tonight about the damn dog in the fire department?" asked the leader of CANT.  "Will you please tell us why your fire department needs to have a dog?"
"Sure," said the chief.  "That's simple; we need the dog to help our volunteer fire fighters locate the fire hydrants when they arrive at the scene of the fire."