Public Safety Update! Horseback Riding Tragedy Averted

It was recently reported that a city council member narrowly escaped serious injury last Friday morning while attempting to ride a horse.   Bystanders say the public official, who had no prior experience riding horses, mounted a horse - a golden Palomino - unassisted.   As he settled in the saddle, the horse unexpectedly bolted and began to gallop at a rapid pace.

Startled, the city council member lost control of the reins. Witnesses say he did try to grab the horse's mane, but was unable to secure a firm grip and he began to slip sideways off the saddle.   Frantic, he threw his arms around the animal's neck; however, he continued to slide downward.  All the while, the galloping Palomino was totally oblivious to its rider's predicament. 

Believing it was just a matter of time before he would fall under the beast, the local official attempted to leap from the horse and throw himself to safety.  Unfortunately, his feet were entangled in the stirrups and he could not leap off the horse. 

Moments before sliding under the horse's feet, a colleague, a township officer from a nearby community, saw the situation unfolding and quickly came to his aid.  After carefully assessing the situation she decided the best thing to do was to unplug the cord. 

With the cord unplugged, the horse quickly came to a quiet rest.  After she determined her colleague was unhurt and out of danger, the township official decided to continue with her errands and entered Wal-Mart to do her shopping.

Unconfirmed reports are now surfacing that the city council member is currently drafting a new city ordinance that will mandate all amusement rides located at area businesses, shopping centers and arcades be monitored and supervised at all times.  

A One Question Survey

This is A one question survey which will verify where you stand on a very important issue.  This survey is designed to address a "completely fictional situation" in which you will have to make a spilt-second decision.

Remember, the response you provide should be both honest and spontaneous.

THE SITUATION TO CONSIDER:

You are a professional photographer and you and your family are on vacation in Hawaii.  A major tsunami hits the island and there is chaos all around you caused by the severe flooding.  The flood unfolding before your eyes is of biblical proportion. 

You work for a major news service and now, here you are,  caught in the middle of this once-in-a-lifetime epic disaster.  All around you houses, cars, and debris are swirling and people are disappearing under the water.  Mother nature is unleashing her destructive fury at its worst.

You suddenly realize you have before you an opportunity of a lifetime - to shoot a career-making photograph of this hopeless situation. 

THE DILEMA YOU HAVE:

You see a man floating in the water; he is fighting for his life.  The man is doing everything he possibly can not to be taken under the water or be hit by the debris floating in the water. You move in closer and realize the man looks vaguely familiar.  Suddenly you realize he is a city council member from your hometown who is also on vacation and the raging waters are now about to take him under.

TWO OPTIONS LIE BEFORE YOU:

1) You can save this person's life
         or
2) You can capture a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo

    documenting the actual death of a tsunami victim which

    will bring you fame and fortune for the rest of your career.

THE SURVEY QUESTION WE WANT YOU TO ANSWER IS:

and please, please give an honest answer...

Would you

(a) Select a high contrast color film
         or
(b) Go with the classic simplicity of black and white film?

The Compassionate Township Officer

A township officer was driving home from a township meeting thinking of what he and the other township officers were briefed - the growing number of homeless people now in their community.

As he drove home, he saw two men along the roadside eating grass in the ditch.  Remembering what he heard at the township meeting, he was disturbed and immediately pulled his truck over.  He yelled to the men, "Why are you guys eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," one man replied.

 

"We're homeless and all we have to eat is grass," the other said.  

 

"That's terrible; you poor fellows jump into the back of my pickup and I will take you to my house and feed you," the township officer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children, one said.  "They are over there, under that tree."  

 

"Bring them along," replied the township officer.

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "Sir, I also have a wife and three children!" 

 

"No problem.  Bring them all as well.  I have enough to feed all of you," the township officer replied.

The men helped their wives and children into the back of the pickup and then they hopped into the cab.  Once under way, one of the men turned to the township officer and said, "Sir, you are very kind.  Thank you for taking all of us with you.

 

The  township officer replied, "Glad to do it; its no problem. I think you and your families will really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high and not full of weeds like that stuff you guys were eating back there in the ditch."

The Problem with Transparency in Government

The city council decided to "get tough on drunk drivers" and passed a resolution authorizing the police chief to hire a new part-time officer.  The local media reported that the sole purpose of this new position within the police department was to crack down on drunk drivers on Friday and Saturday nights.  When a part-time officer was finally hired, the newspapers reported that he would start working this Friday and Saturday night.  

On his first night on patrol, the new officer staked out a local night spot with a longstanding reputation for its high number of DUI violators.   Ten minutes before closing time, the officer saw a man stumble out of the front door of the bar and then trip on the sidewalk and fall face down.  After laying on the sidewalk for several minutes, the man finally picked himself up and wobbled towards the parking lot.

Once in the parking lot, the man fumbled for several minutes to locate his keys.  He then tried to open five different cars before finding the one his keys would  open. 

 

Meanwhile, other patrons were leaving the bar and were driving off, but the officer stayed with his man.

After several minutes of trying to start his car, the driver finally got it in gear and pulled it out of the parking lot.  The new officer immediately turned on his lights and siren and pulled the driver over.   Because the officer had witnessed this man’s actions, he didn't waste time with a field sobriety test.  Instead he proceeded right to the breathalyzer to capture the man’s blood-alcohol content.  

Amazingly, the results of the man's blood alcohol came up with a 0.0 reading.  Puzzled, the officer demanded to know how this could be.  He witnessed the man stagger, fall and fumble.  

 

"It’s easy," replied the driver.  "We have all read the paper over the past few months and know that the city  hired a new DUI officer.  We also saw on the news tonight that today was going to be the officer's first night on duty so we drew straws and I lost.  I had to be the designated decoy tonight."

Why the Dog in Fire Department?

It was that dreaded time of year when the city council had to approve the new city budget.  The city council chambers was packed with members of a local group known as C.A.N.T. - Citizens Against New Taxes. 

As the Mayor opened the budget hearing, members of CANT began chanting, "Eliminate government waste - eliminate government waste - eliminate government waste -eliminate government waste." 

 

Having heard enough of the chanting, one city council member spoke up.  "We have cut all the waste in our city government.  If your group believes there is any waste in our city government, tell us were you think it is."

The leader of CANT stood up from the back of the room and yelled, "The fire department." 

 

Shocked, the mayor asked, "Where in the fire department do you see waste?" 

 

"The dog." replied the CANT leader.  The fire department has a dog.   Why?  That dog must be fed, groomed, housed, trained, and exercised, all of which cost local tax dollars.  Why is our fire department so damn special that it needs to have a dog?  I have personally checked with several surrounding cities and none of their fire departments have dogs."  

The mayor saw the fire chief sitting in the room and asked, "Chief, would you come forward and respond to this issue?"

 

"Sure," replied the chief and he walked up front.

"What exactly is your question?" the fire chief asked the members of CANT?

A member of CANT yelled, "Why does your fire department have a dog?"

Before the chief could respond another member of CANT yelled, "Does that dog help you fight fires?" 

 

"No," said the chief.

Another member then yelled, "Does that dog help with crowd control when you fight a fire?"

 

"No," said the chief.

“Well, does the dog bring your fire department good luck when you're fighting fires?" another chuckled. 

 

"No again," the chief said.

"Well then, why in heaven’s sake is your department so damn special that it needs a dog when other cities don't have dogs in their fire departments?" the CANT leader asked.

"That's easy," said the chief.  "Three years ago, because of your organization's concerns to lower local taxes, the city council voted to terminate six full-time fire fighter positions. Two years ago, because of your group's demands to reduce taxes, the city council voted to eliminate the global positioning system (GPS) software in our fire fighting vehicles.  And last year, because of your organization's demands to freeze taxes, the city council passed a resolution banning all city departments from purchasing new maps, reference guides, and plat books," said the chief.

"What does any of that have to do with our question tonight about the damn dog in the fire department?" asked the leader of CANT.  "Will you please tell us why your fire department needs to have a dog?"
"Sure," said the chief.  "That's simple; we need the dog to help our volunteer fire fighters locate the fire hydrants when they arrive at the scene of the fire."

Best Job In The County

Most people think of Las Vegas as a city dominated by casinos; however, that is far from the truth.  Yes, there are many casinos in Las Vegas; however, a simple check with the Clark County Courthouse will confirm that their are more permits issued by the County Board for churches then there are for casinos. 

The large number of casinos throughout Clark County does, however, present a significant problem for the many churches in Las Vegas, regardless of their denomination, because most of the churches receive a large number of casino chips in their collection baskets each Sunday.  It seems many of the locals, as well as hundreds of visiting tourists, seem to toss casino chips into the collection plate rather than actual cash as the plate is passed on Sundays. 

Consequently many churches, especially the large number of Catholic Churches which dominate much of Nevada, wind up with a wide assortment of colorful chips from various casinos that are scattered throughout the city of Las Vegas and surrounding communities in Clark County that have casinos.

To aid its local parishes in Clark County with this casino chip dilemma, the Bishop of Nevada created a system that seems to work fairly well for all churches in both Las Vegas and the rural churches in Clark County.

  

Every Monday, all the Catholic churches place all the casino chips they received over the weekend in a bright red bag that has the church name on it.  The Archdiocese has assigned one monk from a Franciscan monastery the sole responsibility of driving around to each church and collecting all the red bags of casino chips. This one monk then brings all the red bags back to the monastery where he sorts all the chips by their casinos of origin.

On Wednesday, this one monk takes the monastery's van and travels to all the various casinos on his list so he can cash in the all the chips he has collected.  

After this one monk has cashed all the chips in for cash, he deposits all the money received in a special diocesan bank account.  When he returns to the monastery, he writes checks for  each one of the churches in the amount of the chips they turned in  minus a 2% church administrative fee to cover the cost for gas, postage, and maintaining the checking account, etc.

This arrangement, to have only one monk responsible for all the casino chips collected by the Catholic churches, saves all the individual parishes in Las Vegas and Clark County both time and money.  It also ensures complete 100% accuracy of funds collected and financial integrity for the entire diocese. 

The one monk chosen for this very special "Chip Collection" position is assigned this duty for one year.  This position is  considered a very privileged position within the Clark County diocese .  Not only does this one monk have contact with all the churches in Clark County; he also has the privilege to leave the monastery once each week and visit every one of the air-conditioned casinos in Las Vegas where he has to cash in the chips.  

Because this monk's job is totally different than every other monk's job in the monastery, his special position is considered the best job in the monastery and the best job in Clark County, Nevada.  Every monk who has been with the monastery for at least four years is eligible to apply for this casino chip position when it comes available each year.  

To distinguish this one monk position from all the other monks in the monastery, the Bishop has personally given this monk a special title.  The title given to the monk who is responsible for the casino chips is the Chip Monk.