Thursday, June 8, 2017
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Two Township Officers and the Bacon Tree
Two township officials were driving on a seldom used back road through an isolated stretch of the state to save time on their way to a State Township Officers Convention in the State Capital. As luck would have it their car breaks down.
Now the two township officers are only vaguely familiar with the area however they both believe a gas station is just a few miles up the road so they get out of their vehicle and begin to walk in that direction.
Now the two township officers are only vaguely familiar with the area however they both believe a gas station is just a few miles up the road so they get out of their vehicle and begin to walk in that direction.
After walking about thirty minutes one of the township officers says to the other: "Hey do you smell that?” “Smell what the other replies”. “Bacon! Do you smell bacon” The other township official inhales deeply and says “Yeah it sure does smell like bacon!”
Confused they keep on walking and there in the distance they see a small tree with lots of branches and every branch is covered with hot sizzling bacon. Some of the bacon strips are cherry wood smoked, some are hickory smoked and some are double smoked. Every imaginable kind of cured pork bacon one can think of is on that tree.
"Look” the one Township Official says – “it really is a bacon tree”. “No way” says the other – “it must be a mirage.” “How do you know its a mirage?" the other asks. "Well have you ever heard of a mirage that smells like bacon?” With that, the other township official bolts off and starts running towards the tree.
"Look” the one Township Official says – “it really is a bacon tree”. “No way” says the other – “it must be a mirage.” “How do you know its a mirage?" the other asks. "Well have you ever heard of a mirage that smells like bacon?” With that, the other township official bolts off and starts running towards the tree.
As he gets within 5 yards of the tree a couple of guys with guns suddenly appear from behind the rocks and start shooting at him. The township official is hit repeatedly with bullets and drops to the ground. Mortally wounded, bleeding profusely and in great pain he yells out to his colleague "go back – go back, it’s not a bacon tree!"
Confused and scared the other township officer laying on the ground to protect himself yells back to the other township official - "Well if it’s not a bacon tree what is it?" Using his last few breaths the wounded township official yells out
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
{Get Ready!}
It’s ... a Ham bush."
Confused and scared the other township officer laying on the ground to protect himself yells back to the other township official - "Well if it’s not a bacon tree what is it?" Using his last few breaths the wounded township official yells out
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
Its
{Get Ready!}
It’s ... a Ham bush."
Monday, April 10, 2017
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
An Old Dear Abby Column Local Public Officials May Find of Interest
Dear Abby,
Last year I was diagnosed with cancer. While attending my chemo therapy sessions I met a truly wonderful woman, a public health nurse who works at the medical clinic.
Last year I was diagnosed with cancer. While attending my chemo therapy sessions I met a truly wonderful woman, a public health nurse who works at the medical clinic.
Since the doctors now say my cancer is in total remission I would like to ask this woman to marry me woman; however she comes from a very stable home and has a prestigious job; unfortunately, I do not.
My parents divorced when I was four and we were raised first in foster homes then with various relatives throughout the state. No one in the family has seen or spoken to our parents in years.
I have two brothers and two sisters. My older brother works for the County Highway Department and my young brother is serving a seven year stretch in a federal prison for internet fraud. My youngest sister, I am sad to say, is a prostitute and my older sister and her boyfriend are crack head junkies who make meth and sell it to earn money.
All things considered, I truly love this woman and believe we are soul mates. I want to be totally open and honest with her regarding my family so my question is should I tell her my oldest brother works for the County Highway Department?
Signed
Worried My Brother’s Job May Ruin My Marriage
I have two brothers and two sisters. My older brother works for the County Highway Department and my young brother is serving a seven year stretch in a federal prison for internet fraud. My youngest sister, I am sad to say, is a prostitute and my older sister and her boyfriend are crack head junkies who make meth and sell it to earn money.
All things considered, I truly love this woman and believe we are soul mates. I want to be totally open and honest with her regarding my family so my question is should I tell her my oldest brother works for the County Highway Department?
Signed
Worried My Brother’s Job May Ruin My Marriage
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Why a Teacher's Lesson Plan Doesn't Always Work
A powerful lesson for teachers and educators. Share with any public school teacher you know
A minister wanted to add a powerful visual demonstration that would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon which was to focus on the evils and temptations we all face in life. So at the beginning of his service he placed four worms into four separate mason jars.
A minister wanted to add a powerful visual demonstration that would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon which was to focus on the evils and temptations we all face in life. So at the beginning of his service he placed four worms into four separate mason jars.
The first worm was placed into a jar containing whiskey.
The second worm was placed in a jar containing cigarette smoke.
The third worm was into in a jar that contained pure chocolate syrup.
And the fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
He then proceeded with his service and gave actually did give a rousing sermon. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister walked over to the four jars and picked them up one at a time and then gave the following report:
The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead!
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . Dead!
The third worm in chocolate syrup . . . Dead!.
The fourth worm in good clean soil . . Alive and doing well!
The Minister then looked out over his congregation and asked;
"So, my friends? What did we learn today from this demonstration?"
Maxine, a devoted member of the church, who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"Reverend as long as we drink, smoke and eat chocolate, we won't have any worms!"
That pretty much ended the service right there!
The second worm was placed in a jar containing cigarette smoke.
The third worm was into in a jar that contained pure chocolate syrup.
And the fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
He then proceeded with his service and gave actually did give a rousing sermon. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister walked over to the four jars and picked them up one at a time and then gave the following report:
The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead!
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . Dead!
The third worm in chocolate syrup . . . Dead!.
The fourth worm in good clean soil . . Alive and doing well!
The Minister then looked out over his congregation and asked;
"So, my friends? What did we learn today from this demonstration?"
Maxine, a devoted member of the church, who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"Reverend as long as we drink, smoke and eat chocolate, we won't have any worms!"
That pretty much ended the service right there!
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Elected Official's Marital Problems Averted
A married County Board member began having an affair with one of the secretaries in the courthouse. One day their passions overcame them and they left the courthouse in the afternoon to spend time together at her apartment.
Exhausted from their afternoon’s activities they both fell asleep on her bed and awoke around 8PM. As the County Board member began putting his clothes on he asked his lady friend to take his shoes outside and thoroughly rub them through the grass in the backyard several times.
Though somewhat confused by his request, she did as told and rubbed his shoes over and over again in the tall grass in the backyard. When she returned he put his shoes on, kissed her, said good-bye and jumped in his car and drove home.
When the County Board member arrived home his wife was furious. She said she had called the courthouse several times during the afternoon and early evening hours and no one had seen him or knew where he was. She demanded to know where he had been.
Darling he said – I can’t lie. I met a woman and we have been having an affair. This afternoon we went to her house and spent the afternoon there. I fell asleep in her bed and did not wake up until after 8PM.
Exhausted from their afternoon’s activities they both fell asleep on her bed and awoke around 8PM. As the County Board member began putting his clothes on he asked his lady friend to take his shoes outside and thoroughly rub them through the grass in the backyard several times.
Though somewhat confused by his request, she did as told and rubbed his shoes over and over again in the tall grass in the backyard. When she returned he put his shoes on, kissed her, said good-bye and jumped in his car and drove home.
When the County Board member arrived home his wife was furious. She said she had called the courthouse several times during the afternoon and early evening hours and no one had seen him or knew where he was. She demanded to know where he had been.
Darling he said – I can’t lie. I met a woman and we have been having an affair. This afternoon we went to her house and spent the afternoon there. I fell asleep in her bed and did not wake up until after 8PM.
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said – Liar!. You have been out playing golf again haven’t you?
County Jail Escape
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Good Humor for rural and non-urban Government Officials
A young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field.
Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife.
She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days.
Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife.
She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days.
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
Local DMV driver testing
A newly arrived immigrant from Warsaw, Poland went to the local DMV office to apply for a driver's license. First, he was administered a written exam which he passed with a score of 100% correct.
Next he was directed to take the regulation eye sight test. The DMV agent had him stand with his toes touching a white line on the carpet then he directed the man to read out loud all the letters on the third line of a chart hanging on the wall.
The driver license applicant squinted then read out loud:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'
Next he was directed to take the regulation eye sight test. The DMV agent had him stand with his toes touching a white line on the carpet then he directed the man to read out loud all the letters on the third line of a chart hanging on the wall.
The driver license applicant squinted then read out loud:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'
'Did you have any problem reading that? asked the DMV agent'? "Not at all, I know the guy - we went to school together.'
Sunday, February 19, 2017
The Mayor's Annual Prostate Exam
After the Mayor's annual Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.
As the Mayor was about to get dressed there was a soft rap on the door and a nurse came in. As the nurse shut the door, she uttered three words the Mayor did not want to hear:
"Who was that man who was just in here with you?"
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