Status of The County Hospital Patient

One day an elderly lady telephoned County Hospital. She timidly asked the receptionist if she could possibly speak to someone who could tell her how a patient in County Hospital was doing. 

 

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help.  What's the name and room number of the patient?" 

 

In her frail and tremulous voice she said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you with the nursing station on the third floor."   Within seconds, a nurse came on the phone and said, "County Hospital Third Floor; I understand you are inquiring about Norma Findlay in room 302.  Well we have good news for you.  I spoke with her doctor when I came on shift tonight and just reviewed her file and I can tell you that Norma is doing very well.  Her blood pressure is fine and her blood work came back this afternoon and it was normal.  Her physician, Dr. Cohen, has her scheduled to be discharged tomorrow morning after he makes his rounds."

The old lady said, "Thank you; that's wonderful.  I was so worried about her.  God bless you for giving me such great  news." 

 

The nurse replied, "You're welcome Ma'am.  Are you  a relative of Norma?"  

 

"No dear," said the woman, "I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302 and no one tells me a damn thing in this County Hospital."

High School Prank - Ruined the Shool Board's Public Hearing

There's an old saying that says boys will be boys and you we should never underestimate the ingenuity of teenage boys.  With that said -

On the night when the school board scheduled a public hearing to approve the new school year budget, several boys decided to have some fun.   They went to the school and let three goats loose inside the school not far from the auditorium where the budget public hearing was taking place.

However, before the boys turned the goats loose, they painted big red numbers on the side of each goat. The numbers they painted on the three goats were: 1, 2 and 4.

Hearing the loud commotion the goats were making in the hallway, the school board members, the school administrator, members of the staff and faculty, as well as many community residents who came to the budget hearing spent the rest of the night looking for goat No. 3.

Unfortunately, the public hearing on the school board meeting had to be rescheduled.

 

The Township Officer's Wife

A well respected and admired county supervisor was married to a woman who constantly nagged him.  From morning till night she found fault with everything he did.  The only relief he ever got from his nagging wife was when he went to county board meetings or to attend one of the various committee meetings he volunteered to serve on.

One day, he invited a fellow county supervisor out to his farm to look at a new horse he recently bought.  Immediately his wife walked out to the barn where the two men were standing and began haranguing him about some trivial matter.  On and on she went, embarrassing him in front of his county colleague.

 

All of a sudden without provocation, the horse reared up and with both hind legs kicked her smack in the middle of her head.  She died instantly on the spot.

Several days later, a funeral service was held.  The minister, who was standing across the room, noticed something rather odd.  It seemed whenever a female mourner approached the county supervisor to share a few words in private the county supervisor would listen intently then nod his head up and down as if in total agreement.  However, whenever a male mourner approached the county supervisor to share some words in private, the county supervisor would shake his head from side to side signifying his total disagreement.

This odd behavior was consistent and went on throughout the entire service.  Towards the end of the service when most people had left and the county supervisor was alone, the minister walked over and asked, "I could not help but notice many women came to speak with you and every time they did you always nodded your head in agreement; however, whenever a man approached you, I noticed you'd shake your head as if you were violently disagreeing."

The county supervisor replied, "Oh, that’s easy Reverend, most of the women came up to say how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so out of politeness, I'd nod in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the Minister asked.

 

"Oh, all they wanted to know if I would sell them my horse."

Can I Have a Calf?

A farmer out in his field noticed a cloud of dust coming down the road.  It was created by a brand-new pickup racing down the gravel road.   The truck finally stopped along the fence line and the driver, wearing a nice polo shirt and a pair of fancy sunglasses, leaned out the window and asked, "Do you own this farm Mister?" 

 

Sure do replied the farmer.  "Well, if I tell you exactly how many cows you have in your herd, can I have a calf?"

The farmer stunned by such a question thought for a moment then answered, "Sure!" The driver immediately opened his laptop computer and tethered it to his 4G cellular phone.  He surfed the web, found NASA’s home page, then clicked on the NASA's GPS satellite tracking section.  He looked at the Garmin GPS device mounted on the center of his dash  then fed his exact coordinates into the NASA's satellite tracking system.  NASA's satellite immediately scanned the area with its high-resolution photo lens camera.

When the scan was complete, the driver clicked open his Adobe Photoshop application and exported the digital images NASA sent to a real-time data processing facility in Germany. Within seconds, he received a text on his I-phone informing him his images had been processed and his data request was available. 

The driver took out his Blackberry and accessed an MS-SQL server through an ODBC connection which allowed him to retrieve high definition full-color photos and print them on his portable HP Laser Jet full color printer. 

In the lower right-hand corner of the pictures was a summary of the total number of animals that were in each scan.  The driver looked over at the farmer and said, "Sir, you have exactly 1,586 cows."

 

"Why that's right." replied the farmer.  "I guess I owe you a calf.  Go ahead out there and help yourself."  The farmer watched as the young man selected his animal and then smiled with amusement as the young man struggled to lift the animal into the bed of his pickup.

As the driver was about to open the door to the cab and hop in, the farmer spoke, "Son, if I can tell you exactly what line of work you are in, will you give me back my calf?"

 

The driver thought for a moment then said “Sure”.

"Well, you work for the County either in the Zoning Department or Assessor's Office." 

 

"Wow!  That's amazing!  You are right," said the man.  "How did you know?" 

"Wasn’t hard.  "You showed up on my property unannounced and began asking questions.  You then wanted to give me an answer to a question I never asked and then you wanted a reward for telling me something I already knew.  You were obviously using thousands of dollars worth of equipment that only the taxpayers could afford and you know absolutely nothing about cows.  I raise sheep on my ranch, not cows ... now give me back my dog."

A Brief History of Municipal and Local Government Navies

Most people are unaware that local and municipal governments once had their own navies. 

During the settling of the original thirteen colonies, pirate ships often sailed into the harbors of coastal American cities. Once in the ports, the pirates would pillage and plunder from the struggling colonists.   To prevent these marauding pirates from destroying their communities and stealing their goods, many local and municipal government officials decided to pass resolutions to hire privateers who would act as their private navies and guard and protect their city harbors. 

Late one night, the Captain of one of these charted municipal naval vessels was awakened by his first mate who yelled, "Captain, there’s a Spanish galleon rapidly approaching." The captain jumped out of bed and raced to the deck.  Once on deck, he scanned the sea with his telescope.  Sure enough, there was a Spanish galleon with her guns readied  and heading into port.

"Quick!" shouted the Captain to his new first mate.  "Run down to my quarters and bring me my red silk shirt."

 

"Captain!" cried the new first mate.  "Now is not the time to worry about how you look."

 

Again the Captain barked - "Go down to my quarters, you fool, and get me my red silk shirt – now don't argue with me."  Reluctantly, the first mate ran downstairs and returned with the Captain’s red silk shirt.  The Captain removed his white blouse and put on his red silk shirt.

Within minutes, a battled ensued with the Spanish ship. Bullets and cannon balls flew everywhere and shrapnel filled the air.  After several precarious minutes, the Spanish galleon broke off its attack, turned its sails and sailed out of the harbor.   The crew of the privateer vessel turned toward their Captain and let out a mighty cheer.  

 

After the jubilation had subsided, the first mate approached the Captain and apologized for his hesitancy in following his order.   He did however, ask, "Captain, why was it so important for you to be wearing your red silk shirt during the battle?"

The Captain replied, "Son, I am the leader of this municipal naval vessel and its crew.  The taxpayers of this community pay us good money to guard their harbors.  Had I have been hit by a stray bullet or struck by a piece of  shrapnel during the battle, blood may have seeped out on my white shirt.  If the crew had seen me bleeding, they may have lost their courage and will to fight.  They may have given up and we could have easily lost this battle.  However, if I were hit and started bleeding while wearing my red silk shirt, the men would have never known I was hit.  They would have continued to fight with valor until their death." 

 

"Wow," said the first mate, "I never thought of that.   I promise I will never question your orders again."

A few days later, the first mate again ran to the Captain’s quarters and announced, "Captain, there is a French frigate headed towards the harbor.   She’s is a big one, the biggest frigate I have ever seen.   I think she aims to enter the port." The Captain ran to the deck and clearly saw the silhouette of the frigate on the horizon.   It was indeed a big one, the biggest one the Captain had ever seen in his entire naval career. All of her 16 guns were loaded and fully manned.  She was sailing straight for the harbor. 

 

"Captain, what should we do?" asked the first mate. 

 

"Quick, run downstairs to my quarters and bring me back my dark brown pants," was his reply.

The Secret of Rye Bread

A 77-year-old widower was elected to the county board, making him the oldest member on the board.  Despite his age, he quickly garnered a reputation as someone who was sharp-witted, reliable and extremely physically fit. 

The second oldest board member, age 74, who was also a widower was intrigued by his new colleague.  Not only was he impressed by his sharp wit and great  physical condition; he kept hearing rumors that his new colleague was a lady's man.  It was said he often had two dates in one night and three on the weekends which always ended up with intimate relations.

After an early morning board meeting, the 74-year-old approached the 77-year-old and asked him point blank if the rumors that were circulating were true.  The new board member assured him they were.  "Well what the heck is your secret to allow you to keep your stamina with all those ladies?" 

 

"Rye bread," he replied.  "I eat lots of rye bread."

Now he was puzzled.  He had never heard about any special powers that rye bread offered, yet he decided he would begin eating rye bread.  On his way home from the courthouse, he stopped at a local bakery.  The lady behind the counter greeted him with a big smile and said, "What can I get you?" 

 

"Do you have any rye bread?" he asked. 

 

"We have five loaves left today," she replied. 

 

"Great, I'll take all of them," stated the commissioner. 

As she began to place each loaf in a brown paper bread bag, she asked, "Are you having a party or something?" 

 

"No, the loaves are just for me.  I am going to start a new diet today just to see how it goes."

 

"Well," she said.   If you are the only one who will be eating this rye bread I can assure you it will probably get hard before the third loaf is gone."

The county commissioner lost his composure - "What!  You know about the secret powers of rye bread too?  How come everybody in this town knows about the secret of rye bread and I never once heard about it in my entire life?"