I'm Fine

John Smith, a farmer from a western state, decided the injuries he received during a vehicle accident earlier in the year were now serious enough to sue the trucking company responsible for the accident.  When his case went to court, the lawyer for the trucking firm began questioning Mr.  Smith.

"Mr. Smith, for the record didn't you state at the scene of the accident that you felt fine and had absolutely no pain?"

''Well yes, but let me explain, I was towing my trailer with my mule Bessie in the t ----"

''I didn't ask you for any details of the accident, Mr. Smith,'' the lawyer interrupted.  "Just answer my question.  Did you, or did you not, tell the deputy sheriff who reported to the scene of the accident that you were fine?"

''Well yes, but you see as I drove the trailer ----''  

 

"Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident this farmer told a sheriff's deputy that he was just fine.  Now several months later, he is suing my client, a reputable and upstanding businessman in this community, a firm that not only serves other local businesses but also a firm that provides numerous jobs to our neighbors, friends, and residents of our community.  Your Honor, I believe this man is a fraud and ask you to direct him to answer my question."

 

The Judge, an acquaintance of Mr. Smith, seemed  interested in what he had to say and overrode the trucking firm's attorney's concerns and instructed Mr. Smith to proceed with his reply.  ''Thank you Judge," said Mr. Smith.

"Well as I was saying, I was towing my trailer with Bessie, my mule, in it.  We were heading to the veterinarian's office when a huge semi-truck ran a stop sign and broad-sided my pickup.  I was thrown into the ditch on one side of the road and old Bessie was thrown clear across the road into the other ditch.

As I laid there on the side of the road, I was hurting real bad; the pain was unbearable and I couldn’t move.  I could hear ol' Bessie moaning across the road and knew she was in terrible shape.  Within minutes, a deputy sheriff arrived at the scene. The deputy heard Bessie's moaning and immediately went over to her.  As he looked at her, he saw the pain she was experiencing .  Without any warning he took out his gun and shot her right there on the road.  He shot her right between the eyes.

After he shot Bessie, the deputy then started walking towards me.  When he got next to me, with his gun still in his hand, he knelt down, looked me straight in the eyes and said, 'Mister, your mule was in bad shape; she was in a lot of pain. I had no choice but to put her out of her misery.  Now tell me old timer how are you feeling?' 

Well your Honor, I was scared; what could I tell him? I had to tell him I was fine."                     

The Township Officer's Part-time Job

With things going pretty good at the township, a township officer decided to apply for a job as a store greeter at the new Wal-Mart store recently built in the community.   His thought was that a job at Wal-Mart, a high traffic store, would help him get a better feel and understanding of all the things going on in the community and he also believed he and his wife would enjoy the extra dollars he earned from this part-time position.

Surprisingly, he was fired just a few hours after starting on his shift.   When asked by his fellow township officials what happened, he gave the following explanation.

"About two hours into my shift, a very loud, unattractive, and belligerent  woman walked into the store dragging her two children behind her.   She was yelling obscenities at them all the way through the store entrance.  When she neared where I was standing, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning Ma'am and welcome to Wal-Mart.'   I then added, 'Nice children you have there.  Are they twins?'

The woman stopped her yelling just long enough to look me straight in the eyes and say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins.  The oldest one is 9, and the youngest is 7.  Now why in the hell would a man your age think these boys are twins?  Are you blind, or just plain stupid?' 

I replied, 'Neither Ma'am -  I just can't believe that someone slept with you twice.'  I then added, 'Have a good day,' and thanked her for shopping at Wal-Mart.

When my supervisor heard about the incident, he came out and took me to the side and said I probably didn't have the right personality for this line of work and fired me."

 

Public Safety Update! Horseback Riding Tragedy Averted

It was recently reported that a city council member narrowly escaped serious injury last Friday morning while attempting to ride a horse.   Bystanders say the public official, who had no prior experience riding horses, mounted a horse - a golden Palomino - unassisted.   As he settled in the saddle, the horse unexpectedly bolted and began to gallop at a rapid pace.

Startled, the city council member lost control of the reins. Witnesses say he did try to grab the horse's mane, but was unable to secure a firm grip and he began to slip sideways off the saddle.   Frantic, he threw his arms around the animal's neck; however, he continued to slide downward.  All the while, the galloping Palomino was totally oblivious to its rider's predicament. 

Believing it was just a matter of time before he would fall under the beast, the local official attempted to leap from the horse and throw himself to safety.  Unfortunately, his feet were entangled in the stirrups and he could not leap off the horse. 

Moments before sliding under the horse's feet, a colleague, a township officer from a nearby community, saw the situation unfolding and quickly came to his aid.  After carefully assessing the situation she decided the best thing to do was to unplug the cord. 

With the cord unplugged, the horse quickly came to a quiet rest.  After she determined her colleague was unhurt and out of danger, the township official decided to continue with her errands and entered Wal-Mart to do her shopping.

Unconfirmed reports are now surfacing that the city council member is currently drafting a new city ordinance that will mandate all amusement rides located at area businesses, shopping centers and arcades be monitored and supervised at all times.  

A One Question Survey

This is A one question survey which will verify where you stand on a very important issue.  This survey is designed to address a "completely fictional situation" in which you will have to make a spilt-second decision.

Remember, the response you provide should be both honest and spontaneous.

THE SITUATION TO CONSIDER:

You are a professional photographer and you and your family are on vacation in Hawaii.  A major tsunami hits the island and there is chaos all around you caused by the severe flooding.  The flood unfolding before your eyes is of biblical proportion. 

You work for a major news service and now, here you are,  caught in the middle of this once-in-a-lifetime epic disaster.  All around you houses, cars, and debris are swirling and people are disappearing under the water.  Mother nature is unleashing her destructive fury at its worst.

You suddenly realize you have before you an opportunity of a lifetime - to shoot a career-making photograph of this hopeless situation. 

THE DILEMA YOU HAVE:

You see a man floating in the water; he is fighting for his life.  The man is doing everything he possibly can not to be taken under the water or be hit by the debris floating in the water. You move in closer and realize the man looks vaguely familiar.  Suddenly you realize he is a city council member from your hometown who is also on vacation and the raging waters are now about to take him under.

TWO OPTIONS LIE BEFORE YOU:

1) You can save this person's life
         or
2) You can capture a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo

    documenting the actual death of a tsunami victim which

    will bring you fame and fortune for the rest of your career.

THE SURVEY QUESTION WE WANT YOU TO ANSWER IS:

and please, please give an honest answer...

Would you

(a) Select a high contrast color film
         or
(b) Go with the classic simplicity of black and white film?

The Compassionate Township Officer

A township officer was driving home from a township meeting thinking of what he and the other township officers were briefed - the growing number of homeless people now in their community.

As he drove home, he saw two men along the roadside eating grass in the ditch.  Remembering what he heard at the township meeting, he was disturbed and immediately pulled his truck over.  He yelled to the men, "Why are you guys eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," one man replied.

 

"We're homeless and all we have to eat is grass," the other said.  

 

"That's terrible; you poor fellows jump into the back of my pickup and I will take you to my house and feed you," the township officer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children, one said.  "They are over there, under that tree."  

 

"Bring them along," replied the township officer.

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "Sir, I also have a wife and three children!" 

 

"No problem.  Bring them all as well.  I have enough to feed all of you," the township officer replied.

The men helped their wives and children into the back of the pickup and then they hopped into the cab.  Once under way, one of the men turned to the township officer and said, "Sir, you are very kind.  Thank you for taking all of us with you.

 

The  township officer replied, "Glad to do it; its no problem. I think you and your families will really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high and not full of weeds like that stuff you guys were eating back there in the ditch."

The Problem with Transparency in Government

The city council decided to "get tough on drunk drivers" and passed a resolution authorizing the police chief to hire a new part-time officer.  The local media reported that the sole purpose of this new position within the police department was to crack down on drunk drivers on Friday and Saturday nights.  When a part-time officer was finally hired, the newspapers reported that he would start working this Friday and Saturday night.  

On his first night on patrol, the new officer staked out a local night spot with a longstanding reputation for its high number of DUI violators.   Ten minutes before closing time, the officer saw a man stumble out of the front door of the bar and then trip on the sidewalk and fall face down.  After laying on the sidewalk for several minutes, the man finally picked himself up and wobbled towards the parking lot.

Once in the parking lot, the man fumbled for several minutes to locate his keys.  He then tried to open five different cars before finding the one his keys would  open. 

 

Meanwhile, other patrons were leaving the bar and were driving off, but the officer stayed with his man.

After several minutes of trying to start his car, the driver finally got it in gear and pulled it out of the parking lot.  The new officer immediately turned on his lights and siren and pulled the driver over.   Because the officer had witnessed this man’s actions, he didn't waste time with a field sobriety test.  Instead he proceeded right to the breathalyzer to capture the man’s blood-alcohol content.  

Amazingly, the results of the man's blood alcohol came up with a 0.0 reading.  Puzzled, the officer demanded to know how this could be.  He witnessed the man stagger, fall and fumble.  

 

"It’s easy," replied the driver.  "We have all read the paper over the past few months and know that the city  hired a new DUI officer.  We also saw on the news tonight that today was going to be the officer's first night on duty so we drew straws and I lost.  I had to be the designated decoy tonight."