Why the Dog in Fire Department?

It was that dreaded time of year when the city council had to approve the new city budget.  The city council chambers was packed with members of a local group known as C.A.N.T. - Citizens Against New Taxes. 

As the Mayor opened the budget hearing, members of CANT began chanting, "Eliminate government waste - eliminate government waste - eliminate government waste -eliminate government waste." 

 

Having heard enough of the chanting, one city council member spoke up.  "We have cut all the waste in our city government.  If your group believes there is any waste in our city government, tell us were you think it is."

The leader of CANT stood up from the back of the room and yelled, "The fire department." 

 

Shocked, the mayor asked, "Where in the fire department do you see waste?" 

 

"The dog." replied the CANT leader.  The fire department has a dog.   Why?  That dog must be fed, groomed, housed, trained, and exercised, all of which cost local tax dollars.  Why is our fire department so damn special that it needs to have a dog?  I have personally checked with several surrounding cities and none of their fire departments have dogs."  

The mayor saw the fire chief sitting in the room and asked, "Chief, would you come forward and respond to this issue?"

 

"Sure," replied the chief and he walked up front.

"What exactly is your question?" the fire chief asked the members of CANT?

A member of CANT yelled, "Why does your fire department have a dog?"

Before the chief could respond another member of CANT yelled, "Does that dog help you fight fires?" 

 

"No," said the chief.

Another member then yelled, "Does that dog help with crowd control when you fight a fire?"

 

"No," said the chief.

“Well, does the dog bring your fire department good luck when you're fighting fires?" another chuckled. 

 

"No again," the chief said.

"Well then, why in heaven’s sake is your department so damn special that it needs a dog when other cities don't have dogs in their fire departments?" the CANT leader asked.

"That's easy," said the chief.  "Three years ago, because of your organization's concerns to lower local taxes, the city council voted to terminate six full-time fire fighter positions. Two years ago, because of your group's demands to reduce taxes, the city council voted to eliminate the global positioning system (GPS) software in our fire fighting vehicles.  And last year, because of your organization's demands to freeze taxes, the city council passed a resolution banning all city departments from purchasing new maps, reference guides, and plat books," said the chief.

"What does any of that have to do with our question tonight about the damn dog in the fire department?" asked the leader of CANT.  "Will you please tell us why your fire department needs to have a dog?"
"Sure," said the chief.  "That's simple; we need the dog to help our volunteer fire fighters locate the fire hydrants when they arrive at the scene of the fire."

Best Job In The County

Most people think of Las Vegas as a city dominated by casinos; however, that is far from the truth.  Yes, there are many casinos in Las Vegas; however, a simple check with the Clark County Courthouse will confirm that their are more permits issued by the County Board for churches then there are for casinos. 

The large number of casinos throughout Clark County does, however, present a significant problem for the many churches in Las Vegas, regardless of their denomination, because most of the churches receive a large number of casino chips in their collection baskets each Sunday.  It seems many of the locals, as well as hundreds of visiting tourists, seem to toss casino chips into the collection plate rather than actual cash as the plate is passed on Sundays. 

Consequently many churches, especially the large number of Catholic Churches which dominate much of Nevada, wind up with a wide assortment of colorful chips from various casinos that are scattered throughout the city of Las Vegas and surrounding communities in Clark County that have casinos.

To aid its local parishes in Clark County with this casino chip dilemma, the Bishop of Nevada created a system that seems to work fairly well for all churches in both Las Vegas and the rural churches in Clark County.

  

Every Monday, all the Catholic churches place all the casino chips they received over the weekend in a bright red bag that has the church name on it.  The Archdiocese has assigned one monk from a Franciscan monastery the sole responsibility of driving around to each church and collecting all the red bags of casino chips. This one monk then brings all the red bags back to the monastery where he sorts all the chips by their casinos of origin.

On Wednesday, this one monk takes the monastery's van and travels to all the various casinos on his list so he can cash in the all the chips he has collected.  

After this one monk has cashed all the chips in for cash, he deposits all the money received in a special diocesan bank account.  When he returns to the monastery, he writes checks for  each one of the churches in the amount of the chips they turned in  minus a 2% church administrative fee to cover the cost for gas, postage, and maintaining the checking account, etc.

This arrangement, to have only one monk responsible for all the casino chips collected by the Catholic churches, saves all the individual parishes in Las Vegas and Clark County both time and money.  It also ensures complete 100% accuracy of funds collected and financial integrity for the entire diocese. 

The one monk chosen for this very special "Chip Collection" position is assigned this duty for one year.  This position is  considered a very privileged position within the Clark County diocese .  Not only does this one monk have contact with all the churches in Clark County; he also has the privilege to leave the monastery once each week and visit every one of the air-conditioned casinos in Las Vegas where he has to cash in the chips.  

Because this monk's job is totally different than every other monk's job in the monastery, his special position is considered the best job in the monastery and the best job in Clark County, Nevada.  Every monk who has been with the monastery for at least four years is eligible to apply for this casino chip position when it comes available each year.  

To distinguish this one monk position from all the other monks in the monastery, the Bishop has personally given this monk a special title.  The title given to the monk who is responsible for the casino chips is the Chip Monk.

The County Board Member's Lie

Bob, the oldest member on the county board at age 70, was an extremely wealthy widower.  Though his wife passed away several years ago, Bob still continued to make their annual trip to Florida during the month of January.  Maybe it was out of respect for his wife or maybe it was just to get away from the cold north woods; no one really knew for sure, but Bob continued to go to Florida.

This year, when Bob returned from Florida, he showed up with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy looking 25-year-old blond-haired woman.  The woman was stunning and just knocked every one's socks off with her figure, charm, dark tan, and absolute sex appeal.  Where ever they went, she hung on to Bob's arm as they walked and listened so intently to every word Bob spoke.

A few days after returning from Florida, Bob brought the young Florida woman to a county board meeting and all his colleagues on the board were aghast.  When the opportunity presented itself, one of Bob's colleagues asked, "Bob, I gotta ask, how'd you find such a beautiful young girlfriend?"

 

Bob replied, "Girlfriend?  She's not my girlfriend.  She's my wife!"

 

Now his colleagues were all dumbfounded.  Immediately, another colleague asked, "Bob, how did you ever persuade a woman that young and gorgeous to marry you?"

'It was easy; I lied about my age," Bob replied.

 

"What! You told her you were only 50?" 

 

Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was 90."

Fiscally Conservative County Supervisors

In order to prove their point about the need to cut expenses and save money, two very fiscally conservative county board members brought brown bag lunches to a county board meeting.  When the county board recessed for lunch, several board members left the courthouse and walked over to a nearby restaurant for lunch.  The two conservative board members with their brown bag lunches went along with their colleagues.

When all the board members were seated, a waitress came over and took their beverage orders.  Once the drinks arrived at the table, the two fiscally conservative county board members opened their brief cases, took out their brown bags, and began to eat their sandwiches.

Upon seeing this, the hostess of the restaurant ran over and informed the two of them - in a very stern voice - that they could not eat their own sandwiches in the restaurant!  The two tight wads looked at each other with disbelief, apologized to the hostess, said they know that, and then exchanged their sandwiches.

The Average Local Public Official

The more we know about local public officials, the better we can understand how they think. Below are ten interesting, yet totally superfluous, tidbits of information regarding . . .

"Local Public Officials" . . .

the men and women who serve our townships, villages, counties, cities, parishes, boroughs, school boards, and special operating authorities across America.

 

The Average Local Public Official:

1)    Is 54 years of age.

2)    Is married.

3)    Is retired, semi-retired, or self-employed.

4)     Is a high school graduate with two additional years of
        higher education or training.

5)    Cannot lick his or her "left elbow."

6)    Has an annual income greater than $45,000.

7)    Has two or more children (the actual statistical mean
       is 2.6 children).

8)    Has lived in his or her community for over 18 years.

9)    Will serve two complete terms in public office.

10)  Since reading this article, has tried to lick his or her
       left elbow twice.

Desireable Physical Characteristics of Male Local Public Officials

A study recently conducted by the League of Women Voters  revealed that there are two characteristics that women find attractive in male candidates running for local public offices (i.e. county board members, city council persons, school board members, township officers, village boards, parishes and boroughs, etc.).

The characteristics that attract women voters to a male candidate appear to differ significantly based on three primary factors:   the age of the woman, the marital status of the woman, and the income level of the woman.

It should come as no surprise that the League's year long research concluded that:

1) Younger, single and vibrant female voters with minimal financial responsibilities seem to be attracted to male candidates who are tall, broad-shouldered, and have rugged facial features.

2) Mature female voters, especially those nearing retirement age or those divorced and now a single head of a household, generally prefer male candidates running for local public office to be tied to a post, with duct tape over their mouths, a spear embedded deep in their chest, and waiting for the fire to be ignited.