Local Government Humor

The Village Presidents Annual Physical

2012-03-08T07:56:00.001-08:00

During his annual physical, the Village President was not able to see his regular Doctor when he arrived for his appointment. Instead a newly hired, young physician who was now a partner in the medical practice greeted him in the exaimination room.

The young Doctor not knowing the Mayor personally took a moment to ask the Mayor about his typical daily activity level. Thinking for a moment the mature Village President said “Well if I had to describe a typical day it would probably go something like this. Wading along the shoreline of Spring Lake, running away from a pack of wild dogs hidden in the thick brush, marching up and down several rocky hills - over and over again, standing in a patch of poison ivy, crawling out of mud pits and possible quicksand, then jumping away from poisonous and aggressive rattlesnakes on several occasions."

“Wow”! said the new Doctor, “I guess You are some big time outdoor’s man!" "No“, replied the Village President "I'm just a terrible golfer."

Why Most Local Governments Don’t Have Casual Dress on Fridays

2012-02-24T08:13:00.002-08:00

Below is an acutal scenario that could have happened in any local government unit.

Memo No. 1 - Week 1. The County Board is pleased to announce that it has approved a Casual Dress Day program. Beginning this Friday all County employees may wear casual attire to work on Fridays.

Memo No. 2 - Week 2. Because we serve the public the County Board would like to share some additional guidance regarding our newly established casual dress day program. Many board members believe athletic T-shirts, sweatpants, spandex shorts, leather micro-miniskirts and moccasins are inappropriate attire for employees to wear to work on Fridays.

Memo No. 3 -Week 3. The County Board would like to remind everyone that the term "Casual Fridays" refers only to employee dress, not employee work attitudes.

Memo No. 4 - Week 4. A seminar has been scheduled for all County employees on Wednesday. This seminar, entitled: How to dress for Casual Dress Days will be held in the County Board room and be conducted at two different times to accommodate all employees work schedules. The first seminar will be at 9AM and the second at 3PM. Attendance at this seminar is mandatory for all employees.

Memo No. 5 - Week 5. Based on the feedback received from last week's seminars, the County Board has authorized the creation of a 14-member Casual Day Task Force {CDTF} committee to solicit employee suggestions and publish written guidelines for proper dress standards for County Casual Fridays.

Memo No. 6 - Week 7. The Casual Day Task Force committee has completed an easy-to-read, 34-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Standards." This manual is now at the printers and should be distributed next week. If you do not receive your personal copy by next Thursday contact your unit's CDTF representative. Upon receipt of your manual make a point to read Chapter 9 "You Are What You Wear" and also refer to the appendix 5 titled: "Home Casual versus Business Casual" before leaving for work on Fridays.

Memo No. 7 - Week 10. The County Board would like to inform all employees that arrangements have been made with our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) provided to expand this service to provide 24 hour telephone counseling for any employee having difficulty adjusting to our new County Casual Friday Dress program.

Memo No. 8 - Week 12. Due to recent unforeseen budget constraints the County Board regrets to inform all County employees that it is no longer able to financially support a Casual Dress Friday program; effective immediately the County Casual Dress Friday Program is hereby terminated.

I'm Fines

2012-02-09T06:39:00.000-08:00

John Smith, a farmer from a western state, decided the injuries he received during a vehicle accident earlier in the year were now serious enough to sue the trucking company responsible for the accident. When his case went to court, the lawyer for the trucking firm began his questioning of Mr. Smith.

"Mr. Smith for the record, didn't you state at the scene of the accident, that you felt fine and had absolutely no pain?"
''Well yes, but let me explain, I was towing my trailer with my mule Bessie in the t ===="

''I didn't ask you for any details of the accident Mr Smith'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer my question. Did you, or did you not, tell the Deputy Sheriff who reported to the scene of the accident that you were fine?"

''Well yes, but you see as I drove the trailer ----'' . ''Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this farmer told a Sheriff's Deputy that he was “just fine”. Now several months later he is suing my client - a reputable and upstanding business in this community, a firm that not only serves other local businesses but also a firm that provides numerous jobs to our neighbors, friends and residents of our community. Your honor I believe this man is a fraud and ask you to direct him to answer my question.''

The Judge, an acquaintance of Mr. Smith, seemed interested in what he had to say and overrode the trucking firm's attorney's concerns and instructed Mr. Smith to proceed with his reply. ''Thank you Judge," said Mr. Smith.

"Well as I was saying, I was towing my trailer with Bessie, my mule, in it. We were heading to the veterinarian's office when a huge semi-truck ran a stop sign and broad sided my pick up. I was thrown into the ditch on one side of the road and old Bessie was thrown clear across the road into the other ditch.

As I laid there on the side of the road I was hurting real bad, the pain was unbearable and I couldn’t move. I could hear ol' Bessie moaning across the road and knew she was in terrible shape. Within minutes a Deputy Sheriff arrived at the scene. The Deputy heard Bessie's moaning and immediately went over to her. As he looked at her he saw the pain she was experiencing . Without any warning he took out his gun and shot her right there on the road. He shot her right between the eyes.

After he shot Bessie the Deputy then started walking towards me. With his gun still his hand, he knelt down when he got next to me and looked me straight in the eyes and said, 'Mister your mule was in bad shape; she was in a lot of pain. I had no choice but to put her out of her misery. Now tell me old timer how are you feeling?"

Well your Honor, I was scared what could I tell him? I had to tell him I was fine.

The Township Officer's Part-time Job

2012-01-26T06:57:00.000-08:00

With things going pretty good at the township, a township officer decided to apply for a job as a store greeter at the new Wal-Mart recently built in the community. His thought was a job at Wal-Mart, a high traffic store, would help him get a better feel and understanding on all the things going on in the community and he also believed he and his wife would enjoy the extra dollars he earned from this part-time position.

Surprisingly he was fired just a few hours after starting on his shift. When asked by his fellow township officials what happened he gave the following explanation.

About two hours into my shift a very loud, unattractive and belligerent woman walked into the store dragging her two children behind her. She was yelling obscenities at them all the way through the store entrance. When she neared where I was standing I said pleasantly, "Good morning Ma'am and welcome to Wal-Mart. I then added nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped her yelling just long enough to look me straight in the eyes and say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one is 9, and the youngest is 7. Now why in the hell would a man your age think theses boys twins? Are you blind, or just plain stupid?'

I replied neither Ma'am - I just can't believe that someone slept with you twice. I then added have a good day and thanked her for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

Well when my supervisor heard about the incident he came out and took me to the side and said I probably didn't have the right personality for this line of work and fired me.

Public Safety Update! Horseback Riding Tragedy Averted

2012-01-18T20:53:00.000-08:00

It was recently reported that a City Council member narrowly escaped serious injury last Friday morning while attempting to ride a horse with no prior experience. Bystanders say the public official, who had no prior experience riding horses, mounted a horse - a golden Palomino - unassisted. As he settled in the saddle, the horse unexpectedly bolted and began to gallop at a rapid pace.

Startled the City Council member lost control of the reins. Witnesses say he did try to grab the horse's mane but was unable to secure a firm grip and he began to slip sideways off the saddle. Frantic, he threw his arms around the animal's neck; however he continued to slide downward. All the while the galloping Palomino was totally oblivious its riders predicament.

Believing it was just a matter of time before he' fall under the beast, the local official attempted to leap from the horse and throw himself to safety; unfortunately his feet were entangled in the stirrups and he could not leap off the horse.

Moments before sliding under the horse feet, a colleague, a township officer from a nearby community saw the situation unfolding and quickly came to his aid. After carefully assessing the situation she decided the best thing to do was to unplug the cord.

With the cord unplugged the horse quickly came to a quiet rest. After she determined her colleague was was unhurt and out of danger the Township Official decided to continue with her errands and entered Wal-Mart to do her shopping.

Unconfirmed reports are now surfacing that the City Council member is currently drafting a new city ordinance that will mandate all amusement rides located at area businesses, shopping centers and arcades be monitored and supervised at all times.

One Question Survey

2011-12-29T06:25:00.000-08:00

By taking this one question survey it will be able to verify where you stand on a very important issue. This survey addresses a "completely fictional situation" in which you will have to make a spilt second decision.

Remember your response should be both honest and spontaneous.

THE SITUATION:

You are a professional photographer on vacation in Hawaii when a major tsunami hits the island. There is chaos all around you caused by the severe flooding. The flood unfolding before your eyes is of biblical proportion. You work for major news service and here you are you're caught in the middle of this once in a life time epic disaster.

All around you houses are swirling and people are disappearing under the water. Mother nature has unleashed all of her destructive fury. You realize you have before you an opportunity of a life time - to shoot a career-making photo of this hopeless situation.

THE PROBLEM:

Suddenly you see a man floating in the water fighting for his life. The man is desperately fighting not to be taken under or be hit by the numerous debris floating in the water. You move in closer - somehow he looks vaguely familiar. You suddenly realize who he is – he is one of your local government officials from your hometown and the raging waters are about to take him under.

TWO OPTIONS BEFORE YOU:

You can save this person's life or you can capture a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo. If you take the photo you will be documenting the death of a tsunami victim which will garner your fame and fortune for the rest of your career.

THE ONE SURVEY QUESTION... again please, please, please give an honest answer...
Would you

(a) Select high contrast color film,

Or

(b) Go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

The Compassionate Township Officer

2011-12-04T06:54:00.000-08:00

One afternoon a township officer was returning home from a township meeting. At the meeting he and the other township officers were briefed on the growing number of homeless in their community.

As he drove home he saw two men along the road-side eating grass in the ditch. Remembering what he heard at the township meeting he was disturbed by what he saw and pulled his truck over. He yelled to the men, "Why are you guys eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," one man replied. "We're homeless and all we have to eat is grass." "That's terrible; you poor fellows can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the township officer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children, one said, they are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," replied the township officer.

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "Sir, I also have a wife and three children!" "No problem bring them all as well I have enough to feed you all," the township officer replied.

The men helped their families into the back of the pickup and then they hopped in the cab. Once under way, one of the men turned to the township officer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you so much for taking all of us with you. The township officer replied, "Glad to do it, its no problem. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high and not full of weeds like that stuff you were eating back there in the ditch."

The Problem with Transparency in Government

2011-11-21T07:16:00.000-08:00

The city council decided to adopt a "get tough on drunk drivers" and passed a resolution authorizing the Police Chief to hire a new part-time officer. The local media reported that the sole pupose of this new position within the police department was to crack down on drunk drivers on Friday and Saturday nights. When a part time officer was finally hired the newspapers reported he would start working this Friday and Saturday night.

On his first night on patrol the new officer staked out a local night spot with a long standing reputation for its high number of DUI violators. Ten minutes before closing time, the Officer saw a man stumble out of the front door of the bar and then trip on the sidewalk and fall face down. After laying on the sidewalk for several minutes the man finally picked himself up and wobbled towards the parking lot.

Once in the parking lot the man fumbled for several minutes to locate his keys then he tried to open five different cars before finding one his keys would open. Meanwhile, other patrons were leaving the bar and were driving off but the officer stayed with his man.

After several minutes of trying to start his car the driver finally got it in gear and pulled it out of the parking lot. The new officer immediately turned on his lights and siren and pulled the driver over. Because the officer had witnessed this man’s actions he didn't waste time with a field sobriety test, instead he proceeded right to the breathalyzer to capture the man’s blood-alcohol content.

Amazingly the results of the man's blood alcohol came up with a 0.0 reading. Puzzled the Officer demanded to know how this could be. He witnessed the man stagger, fall and fumble. "It’s easy" replied the driver “We have all read the paper over the past few months and know that the City hire a new DUI officer. We also saw on the news tonight that today was going to be his first night on duty so we drew straws and I lost. I had to be the designated decoy tonight."

Why the Dog in Fire Department?

2011-11-08T05:13:00.000-08:00

It was that dreaded time of the year when the city council had to approve the new city budget. The city council chambers were packed with members of a local group known as C.A.N.T. - Citizens Against New Taxes.

As the Mayor opened the budget hearing members of CANT began chanting “eliminate government waste - eliminate government waste - eliminate government waste -eliminate government waste”. Having heard enough of the chanting one city council member spoke up "We have cut all the waste in our city government. If your group believes there is any waste in our city government tell us were you think it is?

The leader of CANT stood up from the back of the room and yelled “The Fire Department.” Shocked the Mayor asked “Where in the Fire Department do you see waste?” “The Dog” replied the CANT leader.

“The Fire Department has a dog. Why? That dog must be fed, groomed, housed, trained and exercised all of which costs local tax dollars. Why is our Fire Department so damn special that it needs to have a dog? I have personally checked with several surrounding cities and none of their fire departments have dogs.”

The Mayor saw the Fire Chief sitting in the the room and asked “Chief would you come forward and respond to this issue?.” Sure" replied the Chief and he walked up front.

"What exactly is your question" the Fire Chief asked the members of CANT?

A member of CANT yelled "Why does your fire department have a dog?"

Before the Chief could respond another member of CANT yelled “Does that dog help you fight fires?” “No”, said the Chief.

Another member then yelled, “Does that dog help with crowd control when you fight a fire?” “No”, said the Chief.

“Well does the dog bring your fire department good luck when your fighting fires” another chuckled? "No", again the Chief said.

"Well then why in heaven’s sake is your department so damn special that it needs a dog when other cities don't have dogs in their fire departments” the CANT leader asked.

"That's easy " said the Chief "three years because of your organization's concerns to lower local taxes" the city council voted to terminate six full-time fire fighter positions.

Two years ago because of your groups demands to reduce taxes the city council voted to eliminate the Global Positioning System (GPS) software in our Fire Fighting Vehicles.

And last year because of your organization's demands to freeze taxes the city council passed a resolution banning all city departments from purchasing new maps, reference guides and plate books" said the Chief.

“Well what does any of that have to do with our question tonight about the damn dog in the fire department?” Asked the leader of CANT. "Will you please tell us why your fire department needs to have a dog?"

"Sure" said the Chief “That's simple, we need the dog to help our volunteer fire fighters locate the fire hydrants when they arrive at the scene of the fire”.

Best Job In The County

2011-10-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

Most people think Las Vegas is a city dominated by casinos. Its true there are many casinos in Las Vegas; however a simple check with the Clark County Courthouse will confirm that the Clark County Board of Commissioners has actually approved more permits for Churches then it has for casinos in Las Vegas and Clark County.

The large number of casinos in Clark County does however present a problem for many of the churches in Las Vegas regardless of their denomination. Churches typically receive a large number of casino chips in their collection baskets. It seems locals, as well as visiting tourists, prefer to toss in casino chips rather than actual cash when the collection basket is passed on Sundays.

Consequently many churches, especially Catholic Churches wind up with an assortment of colorful chips from various casinos that are scattered throughout the city of Las Vegas and surrounding Clark County. To aid its local parishes with this casino chip dilemma the Archdiocese of Nevada has created a unique system that seems to work fairly well for all parties involved.

Once a weekly each Catholic parish mails in all the casino chips it has received. The Archdiocese in turn has assigned one monk the sole responsibility of collecting, inventorying and accounting all the chips mailed in. This one monk then sorts all the chips by casino of origin then once each week takes a church van and drives to the various casinos on his list to cash in the chips he has.

After the chips have been cashed in this special monk deposits all the money in the diocesan bank account. When he returns to the monastery he writes checks to each of the parishes for the amount of the chips they mailed in minus a 2% administrative fee to cover the costs for gas, postage and maintaining the checking account etc.

This arrangement, to have only one monk responsible for all the casino chips, saves all the individual parishes in Las Vegas and Clark County both time and money. It also ensures complete accuracy and maintains financial integrity for the diocese.

The Monk chosen for this special position is assigned this duty for one year and it is considered a privileged position. Not only does he have contact with all the churches in Clark County he also has the unusual privilege to leave the monastery each week and visit the air conditioned casinos where he has to cash in the chips.

Because this monk's job is totally different than all the other Monks in the monastery his special position is considered not only the best job in the monastery but also the best job in the county. Every monk in the monastery with good standing vies for this job when it comes open.

To distinguish this one monk from all the other monks in the monastery the Bishop has given this monk a special title. The title given to this monk is the Chip Monk --- now I know you didn't see this one coming.

The County Board Member's Lie

2011-10-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

Bob, the oldest member on the County Board at 70 was an extremely wealthy widower. Though his wife passed away several years ago Bob still continued to make their annual trip to Florida during the month of January. Maybe it was out of respect for his wife or maybe it was just to get away from the cold north woods - no one really knew for sure but Bob continued to go to Florida.

This year when Bob returned from Florida he showed up with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy looking 25 year-old blond-haired woman. The woman was stunning and just knocked every one's socks off with her figure, charm, dark tan and absolute sex appeal. Where ever they went she hung on Bob's arm as they walked and listened so intently to every word Bob spoke.

A few days after returning from Florida, Bob brought the young Florida woman to a County Board meeting and all his colleagues on the board were aghast. When the opportunity presented itself one of Bob's colleagues asked 'Bob I gotta ask, how'd you find such a beautiful young girlfriend?' Bob replied, 'Girlfriend? She's note my girlfriend she's my wife!' Now his colleagues were all dumbfounded. Immediately another colleague asked 'Bob how did you ever persuade a woman that young and gorgeous woman to marry you?'

'It was easy, I lied about my age', Bob replied. 'What! You told her you were only 50?' Bob smiled and said, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Fiscally Conservative County Supervisors

2011-09-30T06:50:00.000-07:00

In order to prove their point about the need to cut expenses and save money two very fiscally conservative County Board members brought brown bag lunches to a county board meeting. When the county board recessed for lunch several board members left the courthouse and walked over to a nearby restaurant for lunch - the two conservative board members with their brown bag lunches went along with their colleagues.

When all the board members were seated a waitress came over and took their beverage orders. Once the drinks arrived at the table the two fiscally conservative county board members opened their brief cases, took out their brown bags and began to eat their sandwiches.

Upon seeing this, the hostess of the restaurant ran over and informed the two of them - in a very stern voice - that 'they could not eat their own sandwiches in restaurant!' The two tight wads look at each other with disbelief, apologized to the hostess, said they know that then exchanged their sandwiches.

The Average Local Public Official

2011-09-13T07:57:00.000-07:00

Below are ten interesting, yet totally superfluous, tidbits of information regarding

"Local Public Officials"

the men and women who serve our Townships, Villages, Counties, Cities, Parishes, Boroughs and School Boards across America.

The Average Local Public Official:

1) Is 54 years of age

2) Is married

3) Is retired, semi-retired
     or self-employed

4) Is a high school graduate with two
     additional years of higher education
     or training

5) Cannot lick his or her "left elbow"

6) Has an annual income greater than
    $45,000

7) Has two or more children (the actual
      statistical mean is 2.6 children)

8) Has lived in his or her community
     for over 18 years

9) Will serve two complete terms in
      public office

10) Since reading this article, has
      tried twice, to lick his or her
       elbows

Female Voter Attraction Factors

2011-08-26T07:05:00.000-07:00

A study recently conducted by the American Voter Institute revealed that the kinds of faces female voters find attractive in their male local public officials {i.e. County Board Member, City Council Person, School Board Member, Township Officer or Village Board etc.} differs significantly based on three primary factors: Their age, their marital status and the general state of the their health.

The American Voter Institute's research concluded that younger, single and vibrant female voters typically are attracted to male local government officials who are tall, broad shouldered and having rugged facial features. However, the more mature female voters, those nearing retirement, who are recently divorced or currently are a single head of household generally prefer male local public officials who have duct tape over their mouths, a spear lodged deeply in their chest and preferably tied to a post ready to be set on fire.

The Atheist Public School Science Teacher

2011-07-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

A science teacher at the local high school who was a well known atheist loved trekking in the woods. One day while out hiking in a remote part of the county, he heard the rustling of bushes and then he saw a large bear charging towards him.

Though he ran as fast as he could he could not lose the bear who was now closing in on him. In his confusion he slipped and fell on the ground. When he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right behind him reaching for him with his left paw and getting ready to strike him with his right paw. At that moment, the science teacher cried out: 'Oh God help me!'

Time stopped - the bear froze and the county forest went totally silent. The clouds parted and a bright light came down from the sky and was cast upon him; then he heard a deep voice bellow out from the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, you tell your friends I don't exist and you teach your students that the creation of this wonderful planet you call Earth was just a cosmic accident.' 'Do you really expect me to help you in your time of need?'
The science teacher looked directly into the bright light, and said, "No I guess not. It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now in my hour of need; however Lord would it be too much of me to ask you to make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the bellowing voice and then the bright light faded away, the sounds of the forest slowly returned and the Bear's right paw dropped. The bear brought both his paws together and grabbed the science teacher around the head.

The bear then bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

The Village President's Daughter

2011-07-11T07:39:00.000-07:00

Little Bruce and his girlfriend Jenny were only 10 years old but they knew they were very much in love. Bruce made an appointment to meet with Jenny’s father, who happened to be the Village President where they lived; to ask for her hand in marriage. When Bruce arrived at the Village Hall he bravely walked into the President's Office and introduced himself to the receptionist. She asked him to take a seat.
When the Village President came out he invited little Bruce into his off where upon little Bruce immediately said "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for your blessing to marry her." Thinking this was just the cutest thing, he had ever heard the Village President replied, "Well Bruce, you and Jenny are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without taking a moment to think about his answer, Bruce replied, "In Jenny's room Sir. It's bigger than mine and we are sure we can both fit in there nicely."

Still thinking this was just adorable, The Village President asked with a grin, "Okay Bruce then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job and you'll need money to support my daughter." Again, Bruce instantly replied, "Our allowances Sir. Jenny gets 5 bucks a week and I get 10. That's 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

The Village President was really amazed that Bruce had put so much thought into this. Trying come up with something that Bruce wouldn't have an answer for the Village President thought for a moment then said, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one final question before I can give you my blessing. What will you and Jenny do if she gets pregnant?" Bruce just shrugged his shoulders and said "Well, Sir, we've been lucky so far." The Village President no long thought Bruce was adorable and asked him to leave his office.

Explaining The Federal Stimulus Plan

2011-06-28T08:26:00.000-07:00

After his class ended a young college student approached his economics professor and said, "Sir I don't understanding why the economic stimulus bill  passed by Congress a few years ago has not benefited our local community as expected. Can you explain why?"

"Sure, I’d love to, replied the professor but I don't have time right now; however if you will come to my house this evening after supper I'll be glad to explain why the federal stimulus bill has not worked and you can help me with a special project I am working on."

Around 7PM the student arrived at the professor's home and was told by the professor’s wife to go around backyard. The Professor who was in the backyard near his pool raking leaves and saw his student and walk over. He greeted the young man and handed him a large plastic bucket. "Watch carefully said the Professor as I demonstrate what I would like you to do. First, go to the deep end of the pool and fill this bucket with water. Then bring the bucket back down here to the shallow end and empty it here in the pool.  Got it?" The student nodded.

After three or four trips to the deep end with the bucket the student walked over to the professor and asked, "Sir, what are we trying to accomplish with this activity?" The professor replied 'we are trying to make the shallow end deeper". Rather then question his professor the student went back and make a few more trips with his bucket. Finally feeling frustrated he walked back to his professor's side and said "Sir I am sorry to say this but I believe we are wasting time." "What!" asked the professor - what are you talking about?

"Well Sir it seems to me that no matter how much water we take from the deep end and put in the shallow end the water levels at both ends of the pool are going to remain the same"

The professor now put down his rake, stood straight up, smiled then shook his student's hand, "Congratulations. You now understand why the federal stimulus plan has not achieved the desired results it was suppose have in our local communities."

The Brain Trusters and Natural Born Citizens

2011-06-14T10:51:00.000-07:00

Every community across the county has a small group of residents who meet daily at one of the local coffee shops. These groups tend to be comprised mainly of men who are either retired or self-employed.  People who live in the area {especially every local public official} are aware of "their local group" because they proclaim to be the experts on everything. They believe they know what is wrong and who screwed it up.

Generally these groups are given affectionate names like the "the good ole boy club" or the one I like best "the local brain trust' .

Ironically no one in the community can actually recall when the, brain trust resolved anything or did anything good for the community; that's because the brain trust doesn't focus on solving problems, its delight comes from only identifying problems and then deciding who should be blamed.  Sometimes the brain trust takes on the problems in the State and national government but their primary focus and real thrill comes from finding local problems - problems in the cities and counties they live and the school boards that serve their communities.

On one particular day the brain trust was discussing the qualifications to run for President of the United States. Some members in the brain trust believed that two of the existing requirements to run for President:

      a) Be a natural born citizen, and

      b) Be at least 35 years of age

were outdated and may only serve only to prevent capable people from running for President. One long time member of the brain trust - named Charlie - one of the more vocal members of this group openly stated the requirement to be a natural born citizen was totally unfair and down right discriminatory.

Few of the other brain trust members agreed with Charlie on this point and none were ready to concede to eliminate this requirement which really upset Charlie something fierce.

Charlie couldn't take it any more and finally shouted out: What makes a natural born American citizen any more qualified to lead this country than an American citizen who was born by C-section?"

Local Public Official Prayer

2011-04-21T07:16:00.000-07:00

Lord, Please keep your arm secure around my shoulder and your hands firmly over my mouth. . . AMEN!

High School Paper Reporter and the Law Enforcement Officer

2011-04-15T08:02:00.000-07:00

A High School reporter wanting to do a human-interest story for his School's Newspaper approached a local Law Enforcement Officer and asked "What kind of weapon do you carry"?

The Officer responded "Why a Smith & Wesson 45". "Why a Smith & Wesson 45?" asked the inquisitive young reporter" 'Because Smith & Wesson doesn't make a 46" replied the Officer.

The Haircut

2011-04-08T07:37:00.000-07:00

One day a florist went to his local barber. After his haircut, he pulled out his wallet to pay his bill and the barber replied, "I cannot accept any money from you today. This weekend my wife and I talked and we both agreed life has been good to us and this week I will be doing a community service - all haircuts will be free." The florist was impressed and left the shop. Bright and early Tuesday morning a package arrived. It was a 'Thank You Card and a dozen roses'.

The first customer on Tuesday morning, was a local baker who stopped in for a haircut. When he tried to pay his bill, the barber replied, "Life has been good in this community and I and this I will not be accepting money for haircuts, my wife and I want to do a community service." The baker too was happy as he left the barber shop. The next morning when the barber arrived to open up shop there was a 'Thank You Card and a two dozen donuts' waiting for him at the door.

The first customer on Wednesday morning was a local City Alderman, when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you today; I'm doing community service this week to say Thank you to this wonderful community we live in." The Alderman smiled and when he left he ran to City Hall. Within the next 30 minutes five other city Alderman arrived at the barbershop for their free haircut and free donuts.

No Dog for the Fire Department

2011-03-26T15:34:00.000-07:00

It was that dreaded time of the year when the city had to approve its new annual budget. The council chambers at city hall were packed with the Citizens Against New Taxes – CANT. As the Mayor opened the meeting the citizens of CANT began chanting “eliminate government waste eliminate government waste”.

Hearing enough of the chanting one city council member stated WE HAVE CUT ALL WASTE IN OUR CITY. IF YOUR GROUP THINKS THERE IS WASTE IN OUR CITY GOVERNMENT PLEASE TELL US WHERE YOU THINK IT IS?

One member of CANT yelled “The Fire Department.” Shocked the Mayor asked “where in the Fire Department do you see waste?” “The Dog” someone yelled. “You have a dog assigned to the Fire Department. Why? The dog must be fed, groomed and housed which all costs money. Why do you have to have a dog in the Fire Department? Other surrounding fire departments don’t.”

“Chief” the Mayor asked “would respond.” The chief stepped forward and said “sure”.

“Does the dog help you fight fires?” “No”, said the Chief.

“Does the dog help with crow control another asked?” “No”, said the Chief again.

“Does he bring your department good luck when you’re fighting fires” another chuckled? No, again the Chief said.

“Well then why in heaven’s sake do you need a damn dog in the fire department” the leader of CANT asked.

Well the Chief said two years ago because of your concerns the city council voted to eliminate our GPS support system.

Last year because of your demands to reduce taxes the city council passed a moratorium on the purchase of new maps, reference guides and plate books.

“Well what does any of that have to do with the dog in your fire department?” Asked the group leader. “We need the dog” the chief said “so our volunteer fire fighting personal can locate the fire hydrant when they arrive at the scene of a fire”.

The Township Officer and his Guns

2011-02-24T07:25:00.000-08:00

A reporter was sitting in the frontroom of the newly elected Towship President conducting an interview when out of the blue she asked asked "Do you have a gun in the house". "I sure do, I have several of them around the house" replied the Township President.

"Are they all loaded!" "Why of course they are all loaded, none of them can work without bullets!" The reporter then asked, "Are you that afraid that someone evil might come in your house?" The Towship Officer replied “No not at all - and I assure you I am not afraid of the house catching on fire either, but I do have several fire extinguishers around the and they are all loaded too.”

The Sheriff and the Local Awards Banquet

2011-02-16T07:02:00.000-08:00

A County sheriff was invited to attend an awards banquet hosted by a local Chamber of Commerice to recongize the outstanding citizens of the year. When he arrived one of the ladies on the planning committee commented 'Sheriff, I see you are wering your revolver tonight. Are you expecting trouble tonight?' 'No Ma'am,' the Sheriff replied. 'If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'

The County Nursing Home

2011-02-10T07:19:00.000-08:00

A newly elected County Board Member campaigned on the platform of “No new taxes”. Upon entering office he quickly discovered skyrocketing costs at the County’s nursing home and scheduled an appointment to meet with the Chief of Staff.

Not one to beat around the bush, he came right out and asked: "Doctor, what criteria do you and your staff use to determine if a county resident should be admitted to our nursing home? "Well," said the Doctor, "We normally meet with family members and ask lots of questons. If our interviews with the family prove inconclusive, we fill a bathtub with warm water and bring the county resident in for questioning. We stand near the sink where a teaspoon, a teacup and 3 gallon plastic bucket have all been put on display and then we ask the county resident to empty all the water out of the tub as quickly as possible.

"Oh, I get it said the new County Board Member, a normal person would take the plastic bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the cup." "No" said the said the Doctor "A normal person would just pull the drain plug."

The Phone Call

2011-02-04T10:45:00.000-08:00

The newly elected Mayor arrived at city hall office early on the morning of January 2nd. He wanted to bring in his personal effects to his new office before the employees and public arrived. While hanging pictures and plaques on the wall he noticed a man coming down the hallway headed straight for his office.

Wanting to create a good impression with the first visitor to his office the Mayor put down his hammer, jumped in his chair and picked up the phone. Immediaely, te began pretending he was negotiating a big deal for the city. He voice was loud and he spoke in a firm tone. He kept reminding the person on the phone to look at the big picture and assured him that his financial commitment to the city would pay big dividends for years to come. All the while he talked the visitor in his office waited politely.

Finally, the Mayor said, Thank you, I look forward to working with you. After he put down the phone, he recognized his visitor and asked how can I help you? I’m with the phone company and I am here to connect your phone the visitor said.

The Murder Trial

2011-01-28T07:25:00.000-08:00

A wealthy businessman’s son was on trial for murder; if convicted his son could receive the death penalty. It just so happened the businessman’s neighbor was assigned to this jury. Since his neighbor was the township board president officer the businessman came right out and asked neighbor if he would use his communication skills and powers of persuasion to influence the rest of the jury to come back with a “reduced charge” of manslaughter, not murder.

After the attorneys gave their closing arguments the jury was escorted to the jury room for deliberation. The jury deliberated for just over a week before returning to the courtroom with its verdict. The verdict it rendered was: Manslaughter.

Overjoyed the local business man sent his neighbor and township officer a Thank You card with a short note explaining his gratitude and a check for $5,000. A few days later the businessman’s received a letter from his town ship officer acknowledging the businessman’s thank note. osed was the $5,000 check. The township officer’s note said, I am returning your gift as that there is no need for such a gift it as it was pleasure to be of service. However I have got to tell you it wasn't easy convincing the rest of the jury to render a charge of manslaughter all eleven had initially voted not guilty.

Cold Water

2011-01-21T07:05:00.000-08:00

It was election time and a candidate running for the office of County Clerk went out to meet with potential voters. Eventually he arrived in a very secluded part of the rural county. After introducing himself to the homeowner he was invited in and offered a cup of coffee. Upon receiving his coffee the candidate noticed a film like substance coating his cup and politely asked 'Is this cup clean?' "Sure" replied the homeowner "its as clean as cold water can get em".

After a few minutes the homeowner’s wife came out to join them bringing them some cake she had made that morning. Again, the candidate noticed a film covering his plate plus tiny specks around the rim of the plate. 'I don’t’ mean to be rude the candidate asked but are you sure these plates are clean?' 'I swear that plate is as clean as cold water can get them said the wife now don't fret, eat your cake'. As the candidate left the house the family dog started to growl and would not let the candidate off the porch. The candidate yelled back at the house “Excuse me can you see to your dog?'. The old man shouted from the screendoor! 'Coldwater, lay down and let that man along!

Did You Know

2011-01-13T07:27:00.000-08:00

The words "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"? ...that "eat" is the only word in the English language that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense, "ate"? And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "local government officials," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Let’s get rid of those arrogant, ignorant, ridiculous rule making, resource-sucking, money spending fools who run our local government." How weird is that???

What To Wear to the City Council Meeting

2011-01-06T07:22:00.000-08:00

Outraged after receiving his new tax bill Bob Johnston called City Hall to request he be put on the agenda for the next City Council meeting. Bob wanted to appeal his proposed property tax assessment.

Informed by the city clerk that his request was approved Bob immediately called his accountant for advice on what he should wear when he appears before the city council next week. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let the city council think you are a pauper; show them that raising your taxes will pose an undue financial burden on you and your family" the accountant replied.

Just to be on the safe side Bob called his attorney to ask him the same question. His attorney gave him the complete opposite advice. "Do not let those city council members intimidate - wear your most expensive and elegant clothes. Look successful, talk confident and demand your property tax assessment be lowered."

Now thoroughly confused, Bob walked over to his church and asked his Priest for a moment of his time. He explained the conflicting advice he received and asked his Priest what he thought he should do.

"Well my son”, the Priest began, “let me tell you a story that might help,". "A young woman, about to be married asked her mother for advice on what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck' her mother said. The bride to be then asked her best friend, the same question however her friend suggested she “Wear a sexy negligee, with a long plunging V neck."
Wait a minute Father, Bob protested, what does this story about a young woman getting married have to do with my going in front of the city council next week to appeal property taxes? Simple", replied the Priest ... "It doesn't matter what you wear, you can plan on getting screwed next week!"

Odor In The Jail

2010-12-28T07:14:00.000-08:00

The newly elected County Board Chairperson wanted to personally welcome the newly elected Sheriff. While at the Sheriff’s office he asked the Sheriff if he could have a brief tour of the Jail so he could gain firsthand knowledge of some of the issues affecting the jail. No problem said the Sheriff and he escorted the Board Chair through all areas in the Jail.

As they entered the area known as general population - the area which houses the majority of inmates a vile odor was immediately noticeable. At the ended of the tour County Board Chair commented on the foul smell in general population and strongly suggested the Sheriff have the inmates change their underwear. The Sheriff said he to smelt that stench and he would take care of it ASAP.
As soon as the County Chair left his office the Sherriff called in the Jail Administrator. He informed him of the pungent odor he and the county Chair detected in general population and instructed him to have all inmates in general population change their underwear. I'll get right on that said the jail administer and down to general population he went.

Once in general population he assembled all the inmates and said I have a special announcement. Our new Sheriff and the new County Board Chair just inspected the jail and they said you guys smell bad. They want all of you to change your underwear today. He continued, "So Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Katowski, and Rodriquez you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY
Election results always seem to signal "Change", but you can’t always count on things to smell any better with new folks in office.

Saving on Travel Expenses

2010-12-20T07:20:00.000-08:00

Per city policy a police chief, a fire chief and a city attorney traveled in one car to save on expenses to attend a municipal managers’ conference held in the state capital. It was late at night as they travelled through a rural part of the state when their car broke down. With no motels in the immediate area they were forced to seek shelter for the night at the only farmhouse they saw.
The farmer welcomed them but informed them that he only had two spare beds. Regrettably he said, one of you will have to sleep on a cot in the barn. After a quick coin toss the fire chief left for his night in the barn.

Shortly after everyone retired for the night there was a knock at the door. When the farmer opened the door there stood the fire chief complaining he could not sleep surrounded by all those cows. They reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow - the one that started the great Chicago fire. Every time he started to dose off he began to have a fireman's worst nightmare - that of burning to death. There was absolutely no way he could sleep in the barn.
The police chief said no problem I’ll go sleep in the barn. After everyone climbed back into their beds another knock was heard at the door. When the farmer opened the door there stood the police chief complaining there was no way he could sleep in the barn with all those pigs. He said, they reminded him of his rooky days on the force when everyone referred to police officers pigs.

The city attorney, desperate for sleep, said “that’s enough I’ll go sleep in the barn”. Once again everyone jumped back in their beds. Approximately five minutes went by when everyone was woken by a knock at the door. When the farmer opened the door, there stood the cows and pigs.

Trivia Local Government Officials and Commumity Leaders might find of value

2010-12-15T07:36:00.000-08:00

1. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of where they were born

2. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is Alaska

3. The percentage of Africa considered wilderness is 28%. The percentage of North America considered
wilderness is 38%

4. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments in the USA.

5. The Kings in a deck of playing cards represent great historical government leaders:

Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs - Alexander the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar

6. Milton Bradley prints more money each day for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury prints for our
economy

7. Men can generally read smaller print better than women

8. Women can generally hear better than men

10. It is impossible for a local public official to lick his or her elbow

11. At any given hour between 7AM and 7PM the average number of people airborne over the U.S. is
61,000

12. Only two people actually signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776: John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed it on August 2nd; however, the last signature wasn't added
until 1781 - 5 years later.

13. 74% of readers did not notice there was no #9 on this list of trivia.

14. Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women.

15. Due to strict local censorship laws in the US the first couple ever to be shown in bed together on
prime time Television was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

16. Laws enacted in England during the 1400’s permitted husband’s to beat their wives’ with a wooden
stick no thicker than their thumb. Hence today we often refer to 'the rule of thumb'

17. 96% of the readers actually scrolled back up to verify there wasn't a #9 on this list

18. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured to their bed frames by ropes. These ropes were pulled
tight each night to tighten the mattress which made the bed firmer. Hence we have a modern phrase
that goes like this ...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

19. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for the entire month following his
daughter’s nuptial, the bride's father would supply his new son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
{Mead was a form of honey beer}. Because the calendar was lunar based this period was referred to as
the honey month, which today know as the honeymoon.

20. Before the day is over at least 95% of you will try to lick your elbow to verify it can’t be done!

Proposed Local Public Official Examination

2010-12-10T10:39:00.000-08:00

We are all aware that there are no academic or skills-based testing requirements for individuals to run for, or serve in, local government offices. Over the years though many groups have proposed testing individuals before they run for local government office. Below is a proposed test someone recently shared with me that you might enjoy reviewing and consider taking yourself. It encompasses two primary areas: World History and Geography.

Again the intent of this test is that anyone thinking about running for a Local Government Office would have to get at least 4 correct answers on this test before being allowed to take out papers to run for local public office. Have some fun – test your knowledge. Good luck!

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month does Russia celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands are named for what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) Where do Chinese gooseberries come from?

9) What color is a purple finch?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, 4 correct answers would be required before anyone could serve in a local public office. Check your answers below to see how you did.

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) Where do Chinese gooseberries come from? New Zealand

9) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

Gabe's recommendation. If you failed to get four correct answers by all means pass this test along to some of your good humored Local Government colleagues to see how well they do.

Unhealthy Foods

2010-11-29T07:32:00.000-08:00

To help kick off a month long countywide anti-obesity campaign the County’s Public Health Director invited a senior dietician from the State Department of Public Health to address the County Board and give a brief report on unhealthy eating habits.

The State dietician began: The garbage most of us have put into our mouths over the years should have killed us long ago. The red meat we eat is difficult for our bodies to process, the carbonated soft drinks we consume each day destroy our intestinal linings and the fast foods we feast because they are cheap and quick to fix are loaded with deadly salt, sugars and fats. In addition, many of the fruits and vegetables we eat are unhealthy because of the fertilizers and pesticides growers apply to their fields. Few of us in this county board room realize there are lethal bacteria and toxins found in most local drinking water supplies. However, given all this there is still one food above all the rest that is even worse for us eat and even though it has been proven time and time again to be incredibly dangerous all of us have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Would any County Board member like to guess what that one food is? The one food that causes humans - men and women alike - the most grief and suffering after eating it? The County Board member from district 3 raised his hand and said 'Wedding Cake.'

Western State Law Enforcement Mystery

2010-11-22T19:56:00.000-08:00

Two sheriff’s deputies, out in a western state, were patrolling an extreme rural part of the county when they spotted an elderly American Native gentleman lying on his stomach alongside the gravel road with his ear pressed close to the ground.

The younger deputy looked at his senior partner and said "You see that? I bet he's listening to the ground. I’ll bet he can hear things for miles in all directions."

The two deputies park their vehicle and begin to slowly walk towards the man. As they got near the elderly American Native looked up at the two deputies and whispered faintly: "Ford Explorer, 12 miles away, traveling north. Man, woman, two children, dog. Towing a big red camping trailer."

"Incredible!" says the younger deputy "Not only can this man tell us how far away the vehicle is, he knows what make of vehicle it is, who the occupants inside the vehicle are, which direction the vehicle is traveling and that it is towing a big red camper trailer. My God this is truly amazing!"

The American Native looked up again at the two deputies and said in a louder voice, "No, No! It ran me over about 15 minutes ago."

Why Some Parents Make Their Children Go to School

2010-10-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

The alarm clock had just gone off - it was 6:15AM and Mrs Smith climbed out of bed. Downstairs to the kitchen she went. Once her coffee began to brew she pulled out the pans and got out the bacon & the eggs. "Bobby" she yelled "its time to get up".

As she stood by the stove frying the bacon & eggs she again yelled: "Bobby dear, its time to get up".

Now as she placed the bacon, eggs and toast on the table, she noticed Bobby was still not downstairs. She walked to the bottom of the stairs and yelled one final time "Bobby get up now and come down here for breakfast or you'll be late for school"

Bobby yelled back - "I'm not going to school".

What do you mean you not going to school, she replied.

I'm not Bobby said

Why Bobby?

Cause the kids always make fun of me - the teachers laugh at me and the staff constantly teases me.

Bobby that's not true now get down here his mother yelled.

NO! I am not coming down Bobby said.

Bobby, I am not going to argue with you, get down here and get ready for School his mother said.

"Why do I have to go to school" Bobby asked.

Because you're the Principal!

Heavens Pearly Gates

2010-10-20T07:34:00.000-07:00

A School District Administrator suddenly appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter had him stand quiet while he read through “The Great Book”. When finished reviewing the “The Great Book”, St. Peter asked “is there anything you have done in your life to merit admission into heaven?"

After thinking long and hard, the School Administrator replied "Well, one night while leaving the high school I noticed a group of young men, four or five of them, harassing a woman in a parking lot. I yelled at them to leave her alone”. Since they didn’t move I ran over and approached the biggest kid in the group and shouted “Take your friends and get out of here now”. Neither he, nor the others, moved so I grabbed him by his collar and punched him in the face. As he fell to the ground I yelled to the others, “Now back off and leave immediately”.

“Wow” said St. Peter, “That was truly an act of a good Samaritan; however I did not see that action entered in The Great Book. When exactly did this event take place?" "About four minutes ago the School Administrator replied."

Library Hours

2010-10-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

It was nearing 11PM and the Mayor and his wife were just settling into bed when the phone rang. The Mayor’s wife answered the phone and a man asked “Is the Mayor Home” Yes! she replied and handed the phone to her husband who said Hello.

Say what time does the library open?" the man on the phone. What? What time does the library open?" "Nine A.M." came the Mayor’s reply. "Not until nine A.M.?" the man responded in a disappointed voice.

"Hey what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until nine A.M.?" the man stated again. "No, not till nine A.M.!" the Mayor said. Well I can’t wait until 9AM the man commented.

"Why do you need to get in the library before nine A.M.?" Get in! Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out." Your damn librarian locked me in when she closed your library

The School Superintendent's Passport

2010-10-10T07:44:00.000-07:00

The children of a retired School Superintendent presented their parents with an all expense paid vacation to Europe for their 50th wedding anniversary. When the Superintendent and his wife arrived at the airport in Paris they were greeted by a French customs official who shouted
“passports”. The wife immediately handed over her passport however his the fatigue from the flight prevented the retired superintendent from remembering where he had put his passport during the flight. After a few minutes he was able to find his passport.

It was obvious the customs official was perturbed. He sarcastically asked "You have been to France before, monsieur?" The Superintendent nodded, "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready when you arrive."

The Superintendent sighed and said
"The last time I was in France, I didn't have to show my passport." "Impossible … Americans must always show their passports upon arriving in France!" replied the customs official. The Superintendent quietly said, ''Sir, the last time I visited France was 1944, D-Day. I arrived on Omaha Beach to help liberate France. Unfortunately I could not find a single Frenchmen to show my passport to."

Local Official Weight Loss

2010-10-07T09:15:00.000-07:00

Many newly elected local officials are reported to experience significant weight loss during their first six months in public office. Doctors say this condition is temporary and attributed solely to the physical activities they often engage in upon initially entering their office.

Activities newly elected local government officials most often participate in are:

Tooting their horn
Jumping to conclusions
Running around in circles
Hopping on several band wagons
Making mountains out of mole hills
Constantly opening up cans of worms
Frequently putting their foot in their mouth
Adding unnecessary fuel to smoldering embers

The Village President's Vacation

2010-10-04T22:38:00.000-07:00

For the past three years, since elected as a Village President, John went to a quiet little resort up north for his annual vacation. Everyone at the resort was friendly, especially the resort owner’s daughter. In fact, last year the two of them engaged in a marvelous affair during his vacation.

Looking forward to this year’s vacation the Village President drove happily drove to the resort and walked immediately up the stairs to his room. When he arrived on the second floor he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw his lover sitting on a chair in the hallway nursing an infant child!

"Helen, why didn't you write and tell me you were pregnant?" he asked. "I would have rushed straight up here so we could have gotten married, and the baby could have had my name!" "Well John," she said, "when I found out I was pregnant I immediately told my folks and we sat up all night talkin', We decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than to let our neighbors and long time resort guests know his father was a local public official."

The Mayor and the Elephant

2010-09-29T17:12:00.000-07:00

A young City Council member was invited to participate in a UN sponsored local government exchange program and volunteered to go to Africa for 30 days to observe and study the functions of local village government. On the evening prior his return home, he took a walk through the bush and came across a young bull elephant. The elephant was standing quietly with one leg raised and seemed to be in distress. The young City Council member timidly walked over to the young elephant and slowly got down on one knee to inspect its foot. Immediately he noticed a large piece of wood embedded deep in the sole.

The City Council person took out his pocket knife and as gently as he could, he extracted the large sliver then put the elephant’s leg back down. The elephant gingerly leaned on it several times then turned and started to walk away. Suddenly it stopped, looked back at the young City Council member, raised it leg, trumpeted loudly then slowly walked into the jungle.

Years passed and that young City Council person was now the Mayor. One day while at the city zoo with his grandchildren a large bull slowly approached the bars as they walked by the elephant enclosure. The elephant’s eyes followed the Mayor’s every move. Grandpa, his granddaughter cried out – that elephant is looking at you. The Mayor stopped and gazed at the elephant. They both stood silent looking directly at each other. Finally the elephant lifted its leg, wagged its foot then trumpeted loudly. Recalling his encounter years earlier in Africa the Mayor wondered could this be the same elephant he met in the bush.

Summoning up his courage, he told his family to stay here as he stepped over the outer fence and walked up to the bars. The elephant slowly snaked its trunk through the bars and gently touched the Mayor. As the Mayor moved closer the elephant wrapped it lovingly around the Mayor as though he were caressing him. Then without warning the elephant squeezed the Mayor’s torso tightly, raised him high in the air then repeatedly slammed him to the ground killing him. Obviously it wasn’t the same elephant.

Differences in Local Dairy Farmers

2010-09-23T14:27:00.000-07:00

AMERICAN FARMER
You have two cows. You create a corporation and sell one of your cows but lease it back to your corporation then do an IPO on the 2nd cow. You tell your foreman to raise the milk production of each cow and are surprised when one dies. You immediately send out a press release stating your dairy farm will downsize to reduce expenses and the price of your stock goes up.

CANADIAN FARMER
You have two cows, one is of French descent, the other of English descent. Your English cow won't share any hay with the French cow and the French cow wants to control all the English cow's milk.

JAPANESE FARMER
You have two cows. After analyzing their actions you redesign them so they are 40% smaller than most cows however they yield 35% more milk per milking. All your cows are good students, they study hard and excel in both math and science.

GERMAN FARMER
You have two cows. You want purity in your herd so you start to gentically engineer your cows. Your goal is to have blond haired, blue eyed cows who can drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk and run extremely fast on the autobahn.

FRENCH FARMER
You have two cows. You demand the government give you one more and go on strike. While on strike you drink lots of wine. Life is good.

ITALIAN FARMER
You have two cows but don't know where they are. You go in the fields to look for them and meet a beautiful woman. You invite her to lunch and the two of you enjoy the afternoon. Life is good.

RUSSIAN FARMER
You government representative has given you two cows and a case of vodka. Later that day you go out to your field to count your cows and learn you now have five cows. Excited you have three extra cows you decide to drink another bottle of vodka. Later in the evening you re-count your cows and learn you now have 14. Life is good.

IRAQI FARMER
You have two cows; however they have gone into hiding somewhere in the caves in the nearby mountains. Occasionally your cows release audio and video tapes of their mooing so you know they are still alive. Life good.

A FARMER FROM A FORMERLY EASTERN BLOC SOVIET NATION
You have two bulls. Several of your farm hands have been seriously maimed and a two have been killed trying to milk your bulls.

TALIBAN FARMER
You possess all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. Neither you or your farm hands milk them because you are not allowed to touch the private parts or any animal. You apply for and receive a $40 million grant from the US Government to find alternatives to milk production. Your grant is approved however when the money arrives you use it to buy weapons for local tribal leaders.

Alcohol and a Mayoral Candidate

2010-09-21T07:41:00.000-07:00

A candidate running for Mayor was asked his thoughts on alcohol. If you mean the demon drink that poisons our minds, pollutes our bodies destroys marriages and ruins careers then I assure you I am against it. However if you are referring to that delicious elixir of Holiday cheer, that shield against a cold winter chill, that taxable potion that generates needed funds to maintain our schools and build new senior citizen centers then I'm 100% for it. That is my position and I promise the good people of this fair City that I will not compromise. The Candidate was elected Mayor.

Excused From Jury Duty

2010-09-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

A jury was needed for a trial. After going through a jury pool a jury was impaneled – 12 jurors and two alternates. On the day of the trail all 14 jurors were escorted into the courtroom and seated in the jury box. As soon as Judge walked in juror # 8 raised his hand and asked the Judge if he could be excused. Bewildered the Judge asked why? Juror # 8 responded “poor jury selection”.

The judge looked sternly at the Clerk of the Court and motioned for her to approach the bench. Well asked the Judge? That’s impossible your honor! We use a sophisticated software system that indiscriminately selects two hundred random names from our county resident data base. Those 200 names are then fed into another independent software program that analyzes critical data such as age, sex, arrest records, date of residency etc. to randomly identify 40 potential names for a jury pool.

Those 40 names are printed off and placed in a steel drum in my office. Two nonpartisan witnesses are summoned to watch as the drum is spun and I pull out 14 names. The 14 names I pull out of the drum are all mailed a juror selection notice along with specific instructions as to when and where to report for jury duty. As they report to my office on the day of the trial they are assigned a number. The first 12 are our jurors and the last two are our alternates. I assure you Your Honor, all 14 of these people were selected using only the highest acceptable standards.

The Judge turned and now looked at Juror # 8 and said son, the only way I can release a juror is if I am provided with a compelling reason as to why that person (or persons) cannot render a fair and impartial decision. Do you have such a reason for me? Yes sir I believe I do said juror # 8. Well what is it asked the Judge. Juror # 2 is my ex-wife Your Honor and I guarantee we will not be able to agree on anything." The Judge excused both jurors .

The High School Bathroom Mirror Problem

2010-09-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

The new school year had begun and just like always a number of the 7th grade girls at the middle school were beginning to wear lipstick. Most would leave home without any lipstick; however they would quickly apply it once they arrived at school. The routine was to go into the bathroom, apply the lipstick, then when they were done many they press their lips against the mirror. Those little lip prints all over the mirrors were once again upsetting the custodial staff.

Tired of hearing the custodians complain, the new principal decided it was time do something so she had all the 7th girls report to the bathroom on the second floor at 2PM. There she, and the custodial supervisor were waiting. When all the young ladies had arrived the principal explained that lip prints on the mirrors were causing a problem for the custodians who have to clean them each night. Many of the girls now giggled.

The Principal asked the girls to watch how hard it was for a custodian clean lipstick off a mirror. She took out a tube of lipstick and made several marks with it on the mirror then asked the custodial supervisor to demonstrate how hard it is to remove it. The supervisor grabbed her squeegee, dipped it into the toilet bowl and pulled it across the mirror several times. She dunked her squeegee into the bowl a second time and this time rubbed it vigorously across the mirror. With a fair amount of effort she was soon able to have the mirror clean.
Amazingly, not a single lip print has appeared on any bathroom mirrors for the rest of the school year.

The Oldest Profession

2010-09-13T20:07:00.000-07:00

It was a hot August Saturday afternoon; most of the staff and many of the elected officials from city hall were at a city park enjoying their annual summer picnic. The Medical Examiner, the City Engineer and the Mayor were sitting at a picnic table and each was enjoying a refreshing beverage. While they sat and sipped their beverages they became engaged in a lively discussion as to which one of their professions was really the oldest profession.

The Medical Examiner spoke first and said, "Gentleman, let us not forget that on the sixth day God took a single rib from Adam and made Eve; therefore it is clear that God was the first surgeon and thus you’ll have to admit that medicine is the oldest profession."

The Civil Engineer quickly interrupted and said "Not so fast Doc. Remember before that day God had already created heaven and earth from chaos and confusion; therefore you’ll have to concede that God was really the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is obviously the oldest profession" After tipping his can up in the air and savoring the last drop the Mayor slowly wiped his lips and quitely said "But who gentlemen do you think created all of the chaos and confusion that God had to deal with?"

Township Heros

2010-08-09T07:35:00.000-07:00

A large manufacturing plant was ablaze and the raging fire was more than the City’s Fire Department could handle. A call for mutual aid was made and within minutes a nearby township had it's one and only truck on the way; however when the bystanders saw the old dilapidated truck driving up they all started to laugh. Their laughter soon stopped when the old truck sped right through the checkpoint and drove directly into the blaze.

Totally surrounded by fire, the small group of township fire fighters jumped off their truck and began spraying water in every direction. Within minutes they single handedly put out the blaze and saved the plant. The President of the manufacturing plant was so impressed with the township fire fighters he took out his personal checkbook and presented them with a check for $1000 to show his appreciation.

A news crew filming at the scene captured this act of generousity on film and the reporter ran over to the township fire fighters. He asked them what they were going to do with the $1,000 they just received. “Well, since our township board keeps cutting our maintenance budget to reduce the tax levy we’re going to use this money to buy new brakes for our rundown fire truck”.

Twelve County Supervisors

2010-08-09T07:30:00.000-07:00

A man from a small midwestern county was arrested for his fifth OWI while out on bail and driving with a revoked license. The DA believed this was a slam dunk case; however finding twelve acceptable jurors became a seemingly impossible task. Everyone on the jury pool had to be excused because they were either a relative, business partner, personal friend, hunting buddy, fishing pal or drinking companion of the accused.

Frustrated by this situation the Judge instructed the bailiff to go downstairs to the County Board room where a County Board meeting was in progress. He demanded the bailiff bring back 12 County Supervisors who would sit on the jury. Both the DA and the defense lawyer were astounded that the judge took such decisive action however both were glad the trial could now proceed. When the bailiff returned with 2 County Board Members the judge informed them that they were being sequestered as jurors and they were expected to be unbiased in rendering a fair verdict. The trial finally began.

A preponderance of evidence was presented against the accused yet the trail lasted just under 30 minutes. It was clear to everyone in the courtroom that the defendant was definitely guilty of his fifth OWI. After the Judge sent the Jury (the empanelled County Board Members) to jury-room to deliberate he began to clear off his bench as everyone anticipated a quick verdict.

After five hours passed the Judge was out of patience and asked the bailiff to go down to the Jury room to find out how things were going. When the bailiff returned, the Judge asked, "Well are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Your Honor, they’re not even half way through the nominating speeches for the position of Jury foreman!"